Saturday, February 28, 2009


I keep stumbling on these horse blogs lately and I find myself becoming rather jealous. They all are having struggles with their horses that they are trying to overcome.
Here I am. I work with sixteen horses every day. I get paid to do it. And yet, I don't have the same feeling with those horses.
Maybe it's because they aren't mine. Even my favorite horse out of the bunch that I ride all the time isn't mine. When I say they aren't mine, I mean I am not their sore source for learning, for loving.It's just not the same. I'm not in charge of anything.
Not a damn thing.
Sorry, I'm in a really crappy mood. I was trying to write something worthwhile but it's not coming right now. I hope the rain we're supposed to get comes quickly and hard. It would suit my mood.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I want to be better

I want to grow up.
I want to be the more mature person. The bigger person.
I do.
I really, really do.

But I'm not. I'm only 24. I've still got a lot of learning to do.

Today at lunch, I was talking to the last coworker I have who still tries to make me smile, Mo. We were talking about another job I had been moonlighting at. Bartending.
My boss at the bar is kind of a nitpick. All the bottles in the cooler have to be lined up just right, everything has to be kept spotless and just so... Basically, he likes things a certain way and he has good reasons for what he asks people to do. I get that. I can do that. It's easy. Do it his way and everything's cool.

Did I just say that? Like out loud?

Am I really that dense?
How is that boss any different really than Stuck-in-his-ways Cowboy (I've just decided to call him)? He just wants things done his way.

Sure, they seem pointless.
A lot of them are time wasters, maybe.
But in all reality, work doesn't take that long anyway. At least when there aren't guests around.
And he is my boss.

No, he shouldn't has cussed me up and down the Mississippi River.
No, he shouldn't have called me names. Perhaps I have been a tiny bit childish.

But then, I should be better with authority.
I don't know where my problem with authority comes from. Even my parents when I was young made me look up the word 'condescending' in the dictionary so I would know how I was talking to them.

If I knew what my problem was, I could maybe fix it. But I don't, so I'm stuck.
Maybe it's the fact that I pride myself on being independent and work hard to stay that way. I don't know.
Anyone out there in blog world know what I'm talking about here?

I hate realizing I've been wrong this whole damn time.
When is it my turn to say 'I told you so.'?

Sunday, February 22, 2009


There are creatures living under the closed off eaves of my house. Those creatures tend to squeak and shuffle around this time of night. I'm not sure if they're mice or bats but they certainly are annoying when I want to sleep.
The frogs are no help either.
You see, my house is almost sandwiched between the barn and the pond. Closer to the barn - in fact my back porch (that I never use) looks out into the horse paddock but I'm really close to the pond. The frogs live around this lake and they really like to sing their hearts out.
Too bad they don't dance... they could totally make me millions... millions I say! And smoking cigars in front of a giant theatre in a full tux and a cape (I've always wanted a cape...)

So back to what I was saying... These frogs don't dance. And they don't actually sing either. They just croak.
And my walls are paper thin - they barely keep the wind out. If the Big Bad Wolf came around, my cabin wouldn't stand a chance. Just sayin'
And the only way to get them to quiet down is to let off a loud noise.
Like a shotgun blast.
And then its blessedly quiet for a little while.
Until one frog, one frog gets brave enough to croak once. And then again.
Then a couple more join him.
Then a few more.
The the whole pond full of frogs is off again.

So those creatures crawling around and squeaking right above my head are really only just half of the symphony that goes on nightly at the ranch. Too bad most nights, it doesn't put me to sleep.
If only they could really sing. Maybe there's a green box hidden in the pond somewhere...

Hindsight always leaves me reaching for ice cream and alcohol.

So I just belatedly realized that I have been a college graduate for over a year already. Yipes!
It's crazy how fast time goes by sometimes.
It's a little depressing about how this time of years seems to be really bad for me in terms of work.
Last year, I started a job in January. Started to feel overworked and stressed in February. Got yelled at most of March and April. And left in May.
Now, here I am in February '09, getting in trouble and getting yelled at.
Am I really on a train to nowhere?
That's a scary thought.
How did I get so discontent?
It's been a year. Wow. I'm still in shock. It's not even that I feel like I'm getting old - I'm only 24. Though the mid-twenties is something I never though I'd reach. I feel like I should recap the year. I know this is something everyone normal does around new years, but I actually have the time NOW.
And it's my blog and I'll do what I want. So there.
Just Kidding. You don't have to read this. You can go ahead and click next blog if you want and find someone less crazy than me.
Go on.
Go on...
Still with me?
Are you sure?

I found a job as a groom for a grand prix rider. I moved all the way to Atlanta, Georgia. I got my very own apartment and everything. Though, I barely got to unpack since a week later I had to repack and learn to live in a camper with my English coworker (Otherwise known as English Lass) in Florida.

I hadn't had a day off since I started working. I was getting tired. I found out that my English coworker was actually my English boss. Whoops. Got in trouble for that. (If someone had told me earlier, maybe I could have held my tongue a bit better) Oh well..

Still super tired. Still haven't had a day off. I began wondering if that was illegal to work someone 14-16 hours a day without any time off. Yes, I said, no time off. Not even lunch. Living in such close quarters with my boss was getting pretty hard but the end was in sight. The big boss lady (Not to be confused with English Lass) started making fun of me for my college and my background. But by the end of the month I finally had a day off.

We went home to Georgia. I finally got to explore the town. I got to take care of those awesome expensive show horses all on my own. I worked hard and tried to keep the barn looking clean and awesome. I got a haircut. But I kept getting in trouble for little stuff that I wasn't doing quite right.

English Lass and Boss Lady came home after two weeks of being gone. I was sick at the time and so English Lass let me stay in my house while they brought the horses in. Then Boss Lady let loose. The stalls weren't clean enough. I heard her say every single curse word connected with my name imaginable. She called me down and screamed at me. Literally. That night, I packed my bags. The next morning, I cleaned the stalls that 'weren't clean enough'. And I packed my car and drove home.

So... my dates are a bit off as I found out as I was looking through some other older blog entries but you get the point. I did head home in May. The I drove across the nation to Northern California and started this job a week later.

May, June, July, August, September, October, November:
The honeymoon period. This job was wonderful. I had friends ready made. Everyone was so very nice. There were a few spats in there somewhere. And now here I am, just a little while later and almost ready to be fired. Is it me?
I've decided that yes, it probably is.

Sorry, this post isn't what I thought it was going to be. Maybe it'll work better next time. I'm going to go scarf down a bowl of ice cream and drink what's left of my wine.

Theme Song.


I feel wilted.

Yesterday, I woke up ready to hold my head high and tell my asshole of a boss that he could not ever treat me the way he treated me again.
And I almost got myself fired.

I woke up early. I turned my Ipod on to the kick ass play list I made the night before. I straightened my hair. I put on makeup. I put on just enough jewelry for luck. I made sure my outfit was perfect. I did everthing except wear my man-eater heels.
I can't work in those. Not in the barn.
I worked my ass off all morning before the meeting. I tried to do everything exactly as I had been told. Show that I knew what to do(now), and I could do it right.

All for nothing.

No one backed me up.
No one told even told me that he was in the wrong.

It was all my fault he blew up at me, they told me.
I should have been following directions, they said.
He's still new. He's still learning how to communicate, they told me.

All my fault.
I would have been following directions, had I known what they were.
How come he gets a free ride for verbally abusing me
and I get threatened with getting fired?
Fine, I told them.
I will do what I am told exactly how I'm told.
I will be polite.

But, I turned to him.
I will not respect you unless you earn it back.
I left my last job for being verbally abused
and I will not tolerate it from you.
I leveled my eyes at him, burning on the inside.
You should have been reprimanded at the very least for treating me like shit.
I will not ever give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.


(I did not actually call him an asshole, even though I was screaming every pofanity I could think of in my head. I would not stoop to his level.)

And then I was almost immediately fired on the spot.
All my extra things I had been doing to help people out were taken away from me. I was given a list of duties and I am not allowed to deviate from them. No matter how idiotic they are.

and some of them are... they really are.


I woke up this morning angrier than I have been in a long time.
I can't even change things.
I was made into a liar and no one will listen to me.

And I didn't even get an appology.

I thought I had friends.
I, apparently, was mistaken on all accounts.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


Well, I was.
Now, I'm one step away from getting fired.
I am going to kick some serious ass.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I'm in trouble at work
I screwed up. But not this time. I wasn't giving any attitude. I was just trying to do my job. I was trying to do what I was told. But I still somehow got it wrong.
My ideas are stupid. He doesn't want to hear them anymore. He doesn't want to hear any more of my fucking ideas.
I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't want to draw attention to the hurt I felt.
I was crying. I couldn't help it.
And that just pissed him off even more.
He called me a baby. A fucking baby. He cussed me up and down.
Didn't I want to learn? He was trying to teach me something and I wasn't even listening.

I did want to learn. I was listening. I just couldn't look at him and maintain any semblance of composure.

He cussed me again and told me he couldn't fucking stand to look at me. 'Go to the house.'

Why was he cussing at me? I was trying to do what he told me. He just didn't tell me exactly how he wanted me to do it. And I got in trouble for not doing it exactly the way he wanted it done.

I know I'm not making much sense. But somehow I'm feeling like my world is toppling around me. Is it me? I'm starting to think it is. Am I that hard to work with? What about me makes bosses scream and cuss at me? Will I ever find a job again that I can be appreciated and not torn down?
He threatened to fire me.
What should I do?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

What happened?

I did something stupid at work. It was a small thing but it could have been a very big thing. The girl I was putting on her horse yesterday didn't have a helmet. I didn't even notice. I mean, eventually, her sister said something, and I got her down and had them get their helmets.
I feel really really dumb. Like I feel like I should get fired. I feel like I've done so many things wrong lately that I don't even want to show my face. I want to hide my head under a pillow and let the world forget about me for a little while.
I want to quit. Because that would be easier.
I'm not sure when that even became an option for me. Quitting was never an option for me. Ever.
Until recently. What's up with me? When did my confidence leave me?
Why did it leave me?
I want to be the strong girl I used to be. I want to be the girl that could face the music when she screwed up. I want to be the girl that could look people in the eye.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Feet to the Fire

There's a meeting at work in a couple of days.
I'm dreading it.
There's been drama and this meeting is supposed to clear up everything.
It makes me nervous.
You know the feeling you get when someone important says 'Hey, we need to talk'. It's almost never good. This feels like that.
It's going to be one of those meetings where everyone gets to have their chance to talk without interruption. Good right? yeah... I hope so. I always have bad feelings about these meetings. Bad memories maybe? They always seem to cause more problems than they help. At least that's been the case in my memory.
This feels especially complicated since this meeting is with my boss and the managers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to end up in tears. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in front of the person who made me want to cry. I don't like giving them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Bastards.
I like this job. But things haven't been anywhere near smooth in the barn since the old barn manager left and my boss moved up. Especially since he hasn't been doing anything boss like. And this is what this meeting is supposed to address. But it terrifies me. I think part of it is that I know (or at least, think) that most of the tension is my fault. If only I could be just an employee who only does what's asked and then go home.
But I'm not wired like that. I'm wired to be an overachiever. When I work, I work whole-heartedly. I've always said I wouldn't have a job I didn't like. And when I do have a job that I like, I always want to make it better.
I like working. It gives me purpose, I guess.
I've been told I'm a natural leader. I don't know about that. But I do know that I suck at following. I never mean to undercut anyone (unless their being a dumb-ass and as such deserve it). I just have lots of ideas to help things run smoother and I want the approval of those around me. (seriously though, doesn't everybody?)
I don't really have to be right. But I do have to be given good enough reason that I'm wrong. Don't tell me 'no' and not give me a good reason for it.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I can't handle a boss telling me 'no' just because they said so. It's stupid.
I know it's their purogative, being boss and all. But it's dumb.
Why can't I know the reason behind your decision?

This passion I have, I don't even know what it is or where it comes from. But it does get me in a lot of trouble. And that is why I'm slightly terrified of this meeting.
I just wish I could handle it. But I don't know how.
I'm sure all my worrying is over nothing and this meeting is going to be fine. Everything will work out fine.

But I certainly feel like my feet are being put into the fire.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


So I've always been horrible about coming up with monikers or whatever you call them but I've decided on a couple after watching Smokey and the Bandit.
Yup, that's right. I said it. Smokey and the Bandit.
What is that? The epitome of hilbilly/redneck stunts? Hell yes. Do I actually know people like that in real life? Hell yes!
Drum roll please...
Bandit is a show off and crazy just like his namesake. Come on, going into the college pond in a laundry basket..sledding?!?! Drives like him too. And chases after the girls too...
Snowman is really pretty intuitive but just as crazy as his friend. This boy has made me face more things about myself than I ever wanted to.

I need to come up with some more. Especially for the number one man in this blog. 'M' does not do justice to everything he does to me. And then there's the friends that will appear from time to time if I ever actually can get myself to write even semi regularly. Stay with me folks, I need all the support I can get.