Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Being the hero

I know, I know... I haven't written in ages. forgive me.

I was talking to a coworker about books. I always get a little weird about the kind of books I read. I read fantasy. But there are tons of people that judge me just because of the book I read so I usually don't say much. I just shrug with tiny smile and gloss over the book with a generalistic name (witch book, werewolf book, whatever).

And as always, I always think of more to say after the conversation is over...

I love books with female heroines.
(I guess that's kind of a double negative-ish thingy since a heroine is already always female... (kind of like square is always a rectangle but a rectangle isn't always a square) )
...protagonist, then.
(ooo now I feel all smart and stuff pulling out a big five dollar word. anywho...)
It such an ego boost for me. Especially lately with my confidence so bruised in reality. I like the escape when I get to be the one saving the day no matter how awkwardly. (actually the more awkward the better, makes it seem believable that I could actually be the character). No one's perfect, heroines shouldn't be either. That's why all the great heros always had a fatal flaw (HELLO... acheilles heel, anyone?) . It makes for good drama.
And everyone knows a story without drama is... well... not a story. It's boring.

There's just something completely empowering in seriously kicking someone's ass and being able to strap on a set of sexy four inch heels all in one day and making the guy's mouth water just a little.

I like being the superhero instead of the damsel in distress.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Go for broke: Ramen

With my involuntary career change I'm going to have to make some cut backs. Things really haven't changed much from college. I'm still broke. Only this time, I have bills. Truck payment, school loans, etc.

And while there are something I don't plan to ever scrimp on, like toilet paper or ice cream (priorities people!), somethings can't be helped. Like food.

Luckily there are some super cheap meals in boxes (or bags, in my case, out there) like Ramen.

No Cash? No Problem. Caution!


Chicken Ramen is the way to go. It's tasty and cheap. I've seen it as low as 2 cents (that's right, don't adjust your television sets, I said two pennies!) a package at walmart. (Ok, so that may have been five years ago, but still... times haven't changed THAT much.) and I know people who have lived nearly exclusively on it (with a bottle of vitamins).

And if you get tired of chicken, there's always pork or beef too! I think they even have varieties with freeze dried veggies in them now.

Even when I have cash to spare, I think I'll still eat ramen. It's that good.

Mac and cheese is pretty good too. Especially with tuna and peas all mixed up. But at nearly a dollar a box now it's hard to beat the top ramen noodle.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Just looking back.

I love going through and reading old blog entries. Especially since I feel my writing used to actually be good back then. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost my touch. Or maybe I'm just lacking some inspiration. But regardless...
Some fun moments from the past.
Being fabulous

I used to be pretty good at Stealing the boys too. Haven't been accused of that lately. But that may be because I was in the bumfuck of nowhere with no boys to 'steal'.

I guess I just need to remember how to pull myself back out of this dark dank hole I've found myself in by my bootstraps.

My confidence might actually return from its grave

I passed the test with flying colors and received rave reviews from just about every manager I've worked with already. My confidence is slowly climbing out of the thirty foot hole it buried itself in after being beaten down and fired. I even got a high five from Mr. Easy Smile.
Gah. I suck at monikers. Maybe I'll just stick with letters. Like M.
Maybe I'll just leave the cool anonymous monikers to the likes of Vix at OEN.
Oh well.
At least, I'm apparently rocking at certification tests.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Easy Smile

There was a boy. He reminds a lot of M.
I say that like I know him. It could be that he reminds me of him because he's built about the same and his smile seems to shine easier than most.

He stopped as I was taking the quiz carefully looking out over the dining room.
'Need any help with those questions?'
He sent me a sly smile as he readjusted his tab book.
I had reviewed pretty hard core before I had even started on the clock, even getting a chance to look at the answer key so I was fine.
'No, I think I've got it. but thanks... but I come around tomorrow then I could use your help.'
He looked at me then, his smile growing larger.
'Final certification, tomorrow?'
'Aw, it's not too hard, you'll do fine.' Smiling again, he wished me luck and went on his way to the kitchen.

I had to smile. He was too sweet.
Something about him seems to stick with me. Maybe its the resemblance to M but I learned his name first, even before my trainer's name who I met first. Maybe it's just that I love the romance behind almost strangers... remember this?

Behind these hazel eyes.

I can't tell him anything.
I can't tell anyone.
I'm broken.
I can't tell him because I can't tell myself. I don't know what to say.
Something inside me is broken. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when it happened.
But the life behind these hazel eyes of mine is dimmed. The spark is gone.
The smile which used to dance continually over these lips now sleeps the day away.
He knows something is wrong.
I want to tell him.
I want to cry on his shoulder and I don't want to feel bad for doing it. I want to wrapped in those warm arms until this goes away.
But instead, when he asks my lips fake a smile and say 'nothing is wrong'
'I'm fine'...
'don't worry'
While inside somewhere I'm screaming, crying to please do worry, force me to tell you, drag the words from my chest where they stay knotted. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. Make me feel better.
This burden is too hard for me to bear alone but I don't know how to share it.