Sleepless thoughts

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just wouldn't shut off. I keep going back and forth over stuff that really doesn't concern me. Instead I distracted myself with M. But now I have to go to work and work an exceptionally long shift on just over four hours of sleep. Someone save me.

I need to get over this hump and get back to being me.

Wishing it was simpler

So many changes...

They are all so little but it's just that extra little bit of stress that seems to cave me in.

I've been absolutely drained for the last three or fours days now and no matter when I go to bed I can't seem to catch up on any rest.

I start teaching riding lessons this next week. I'm super happy to be back in a place where I can work with horses again. The work is so obvious. So plain. There's no drama with horses. They just are. Horses don't lie. It makes life simpler.

Simple is welcome right now since I had to go and make life complicated.

I'm still trying to get my head on straight about all that. It's dragging me down pretty hard core at the moment. I'll try to be less vague in another post... I just can't seem to put what's in my heart or head down on paper yet.

And now I've chosen to be a trainer at work. It's hard. I mean, it's not that hard but it's uncomfortable for sure. I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself in restaurant; let alone someone else too - and doing everything (and I mean everything) up to standards (even the stupid ones).

So here I am just wishing it was all simpler.

Complicated

Sweet Infatuation by ahemjez

I get a big goofy grin anytime I think about our time together. He makes me smile and he's not even around. My breath catches when he touches me. I can't make my mouth say anything even resembling intelligence. My heart starts to pound when he watches me for too long. I can feel it in my ears. I get a pang of jealousy when I see him flirt with someone else. I never get jealous.

Worst of all...

He's not the boy.

Life just got terribly complicated.

Self censorship

I talk to myself on a regular basis. Things always sound better in my head than they do coming out of my mouth. Since apparently there is something broken in that connection I have to talk to myself to make sure I don't sound like a complete idiot.
When I leave a conversation, I have to repeat what I've said to myself in sort of an afterthought censorship. Sometimes I even have entire conversations with someone without them even being there.
It's terrible.
I'm pretty crazy.

Stomach, meet butterflies

He kissed me again.


'I just got rid of the butterflies after the last time,' I told him. 'Two weeks! Two weeks, it took me!'

'Really?'

'Yes'

'Lets go for three weeks this time.'

And then he fucking kissed me again!

Setbacks to writing

I'm definitely sensing a small problem with my blogging more. Firstly, I'm freaking cold. I could write in the living room where its warmer but then I always feel like someone's looking over my shoulder. So alas, I'm suffering with frozen fingers and draped with layers of clothes. Maybe I should try gloves...
Another is my life isn't all that interesting currently. Just a lot of work mostly.
A peer into my day would show

• Time with my dog.
• Time with the TV/computer.
• Time at work.
• Occasional drama with M.

Though the drama is my own doing. My craziness that makes me female. I hate it.
I wish I could go back to being a good kid with a good head on my shoulders. Life was simpler.
Anyway... I still have a story or two up my sleeve. I just have to get them out of my head and arranged satisfactorily on paper. I think that writing even simple stuff like this will help get me get back in the groove.
It's not like when I was in school and was writing something every day for class. Because I'm not being made to write, I've kind of gotten out of the habit. And so I'm attempting to remedy that.
And here I am...
...rambling. lol

Dreams are funny

Dreams are Dreams by ~olushia-loosiczka

I've been having so delightfully intriguing dreams the last couple days. They are strange but not unsettling. Not the kind where when you wake up you are off your game for the rest of the day.

Instead, the kind that almost uplifts you and makes you smile.

This morning's dream was so vivid and long. My parents backyard was massive suddenly and they had various empty flower box things everywhere. My best friend and I decided to do a little bit of gardening so we went outside discovering.

A few were full with various vegetables that were a bit scraggly. And one particular had what I thought were those live forever plants that my mom's side of the family adores. But they turned out to be hermit crab type animals with plants as tops instead of shells that grabbed your finger and scared the living daylights out of me. We moved those into a different box and planted wildflowers where they were.

Nothing really grew in the dream yet but we had high hopes for a beautiful garden after some rain and time. We discovered an old hand pump that had more of a foot lever in a shallow pit next to our garden. I fell through the thin plywood cover on the lever and started flooding the shallow pit that my best friend was standing in. With a tiny bit of panic during and giggles after, she jumped out somewhat more damp after. We covered the pressure lever back up so we wouldn't unintentionally trigger a flood somewhere in the yard.

After finishing our part in the new garden we discovered an underground house. It was huge and newly finished. Inside there was a bunch of game rooms, with a bowling ally and basketball court amongst the others. It super cool. My parents came down to play with us and enjoy the new hideout.

I don't remember everything else that happened. The last scene in the dream ended with me looking at the garden with fondness, even the hermit crab buggers, and hoping for progress and lots of color. I knew some of the seeds wouldn't take root because in some of the boxes we hadn't removed the gravel that laid above the soft dirt, just mixed the seeds in. But those that were strong enough would put root down anyway. I knew this and felt peace anyway.

I woke up to my dog jingling her collar feeling peaceful and rested and happy to greet the day. I almost hope I actually had that garden.

Sometimes life does funny things

New Life by *meppol

Like throwing a wrench at your head.

I miss writing. I haven't done it in so long. It's hard to write while living with someone. Especially when you want to write about said person.

I'm going to try to get back into the habit again this year. It's a tentative resolution because I'm terrible at resolutions. So I feel if I make it tentative, it will work out better.

Other resolutions I want to try to keep:

Pay down a significant part of my credit debt. I don't have that much but enough that it's going to take me a little while. That root canal and losing my job two years ago really did me in (that was three grand by itself). This is definitely where my tax refund is going to go this year as well as every little scrap of extra cash that comes my way. I think I'm going to set a tentative goal at paying off three grand by the end of the year. It seems reasonable. Especially if I get this new riding instruction job that I'm drooling over. (Shh... don't want to jinx it.)

Get myself and the boy in better shape. Mostly the boy. I'm not the kind of person that manipulates my boy because I'm vain or selfish but then I kind of am. I'm really just tired of him talking about wanting to lose weight and then never doing anything about it. So about a month ago, I did it. I pulled out all the stops, waterworks and tantrums, every trick in the book. Not proud of it but it worked. When he gets a job we're doing P90. I have to do it too. And cook all the food. Gah.

I want to try to be a better employee. I'm really pretty terrible. I mean I'm a super hard worker. It's just that my attitude starts off all roses and butterflies and then goes to dumpster diving and grunge after a while. I just get to where I sit on top of my high horse and know what I am doing. A little hard to describe. At best, I would call it a sort of perfectionist's complacency. Anyway, I'm going to try not to talk back so much at work and keep my nose to the grindstone and let the little things slide off my back instead of taking everything to heart and getting pissy about it. This is going to be so much easier since the one manager I was the worst with was fired over my vacation.

A friend of mine has started a daily blog of the war on her acne. I love the idea and I wish her the best. I'm trying to decide if I could do the same thing with one of my goals this year. We'll have to see.

Hmmm... the puppy is whining. I need to take her somewhere and finish my to do list for the day before I go to work at four.

Remind me to tell you about my newest drama later with the three kisses.