Gone are the butterflies

I've been trying this growing up thing.
I'm not really succeeding.
Every time I look in his direction, my knees get a little weak.
"God, he's hot", I mutter to myself. And then thoroughly scold myself for getting distracted again.
"Your only going to get your heart broken," I scold.

I don't even understand where this attraction comes from.
The night I went to see him. I asked him mid kiss...
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you like me?"
He sighed as if disappointed with me and stated a variety of reasons.


I wasn't fishing for compliments. I don't even like compliments...
They make me uncomfortable in the moment. (More on that at a later date)
I didn't get it. I don't get my attraction to him. Or his to me.

I still don't get it.
I don't even know if he still likes me. Ever since I told him that I told M that I kissed him, he's left me be. Maybe to give me space. Maybe because he's not my dirty little secret anymore. I don't know. It frustrates me to no end this not knowing. Maybe it would be easier to get over this feeling, to grow up, if I knew that he'd lost interest.

As it is, I apparently can barely go a week without contacting him in some way shape or form. Fortunately or unfortunately with mine and his current work schedule, we work with each other constantly. We maintain professionalism. Him probably better than I - as much as we ever did anyway. Innuendos abound at the restaurant. I think it's how we stay sane.

I have conversations with him without him there in my head. Trying to work through this. Trying to justify everything I feel. Trying to just get my head on straight and move on. But for whatever reason, I feel like I'm being sucked in.

But at least the butterflies are gone.

I've never been like this. I don't pine.
Ever.

Until him, I guess.

Jerk.
Can't even appreciate it.

Get a life.

I got off work at a decent hour last night. (Reasons notwithstanding) I started to feel a little frisky and wanted to have a little fun and chill out with some friends. Sent out a text once I got home received no answer. Fed the pup. Made some calls.

No ones home.

Everyone's sick.

Some have plans.

No one's available or nearby to hang out with me.

It sucks... I tried to get a little life in my life and no one's around.

Sigh.

Maybe next time.

Loneliness

I wish I had a friend to call.
I'm not one to hate being alone. I love my alone time but sometimes (like tonight) I want a friend who I can call without feeling like I'm a bother. Someone not connected to the boy. Someone who is willing to put for the effort in a friendship. Someone who sees friendship as a two way street.

You have to be a friend to make a friend.


I thought I found one but instead I found a broken heart.
I'm almost ready to give up. This one was my last saving grace.

'You have to be a friend to make one', I told him when he asked why I had come.

'I need a friend,' I said when he asked me why I hang out with him.


I don't think he understood that he was exactly what I needed. Or maybe he did and he just doesn't care.



There are other people.
But with everyone else, talking feels awkward and forced. I don't think I know how to cross the bridge from acquaintance to friend anymore.

I'm trying to grow up.


Growing up is hard.

Trouble...

I promised myself I would write today about this thing that has been on my mind for the last few weeks since I had the house to myself for an hour or so this morning since M started his new job today and the roommates are scattered to the winds...
But alas, here I am thirty minutes before I have to go to work with nothing accomplished except the sink clean, the toilet plugged (don't get me started), and eating a ham and spaghetti sauce sandwich (not as good as it seems at the get go - hey don't judge, I was attempting to be adventurous.)
The main idea was that I was going to grow up. For no good reason I seem to have my heart set on getting my heart broken. I have this huge thing for Trouble. I just need to get over it. I don't think friends are going to work since we are apparently magnets that can't stay away from each other unless the atmosphere of professionalism is between us. It's trouble.
What can I say? I know trouble when I see it....
And yet...
I can't seem to keep my heart from lunging for it.
Why do girls always find that one guy who is just absolute trouble?

Shame shame

Not giving up yet. Just been trying to get my head around somethings before I write them down. And been failing miserably. Instead of actually thinking about them, I really just push them out my mind and make my hands busy.

So shame, shame on me.

Ah well, such is life, right?