First Kiss?

I was in my senior year of high school when I got my first kiss. Though, I'm not entirely sure you could even call it a kiss.
My first (and only) boyfriend. (that's right, this is the boy) Though we didn't define it as such. Come to think of it, we avoided all labels like that. We were 'going out' as the fashion was then. (gosh, I say that like I'm old or something.)
(I mean I certainly feel old with everyone I know getting married and having babies and such, but that's an entirely different post. And seriously, Fresh Prince on Nick at Night?? really?)
I'm not even sure if it was our first date or just one day he dropped me off at my house. But he had driven me home from somewhere and walked halfway to the door of my house. It was still daylight (that's really all I remember. I'm gettin' old, remember?).
He stopped me from going any further to give me a hug. It was a good long hug. I love hugs like that. As he pulled away, I heard a smooch and felt a brush on my cheek close to my lips but not quite close enough.
I was stunned.
Did I just get kissed? my head spun a little bit. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to say something?
He just kept walking back to his car. I was so confused as he got inside. I managed to walk dumbfounded to the front door where it sunk in that I had actually been given my first kiss.
I kind of smiled because I was still in shock over the whole thing. I never mentioned it because I was never quite sure if it was intentional. Or if it even was an actual kiss.
There were many more after this. Many much better kisses. Much more kiss like. I'm not sure why, but this time sticks with me so I consider it my first kiss.
We dated the reminder of my senior year. He had graduated two years before me but still went to church with me (that's how we got together) but we somehow just puttered out after that.
Two years later, it began again. With a kiss. A whole different kind of kiss. (but that's another story.)

Wrapped Up

I woke up this morning wrapped up in M's arms. I absolutely love that feeling.

Best.

Christmas.

Ever.

Nevermind several thousand awkward moments meeting his family for the first time. Yipes!

Hope you all got to spend Christmas with your loved ones.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Losing Control

I want him.

And I don't just want him sexually. Well there's definately that. But I just want him near me, holding my hand, stroking my shoulder/knee/arm, watching tv, reading, chatting to friends. There's a certain magnetic feeling between us. I desparately don't want to give him up even for a moment. I don't even know if I can put it into words anymore. It's all scrambled in my brain.

I try to maintain a certain decorum and be the queen of coolness. But when it comes to him, there is nothing cool about me. I want to be close to him but when I do get close, its like my body takes on a life of its own. It stops listening to what I try to say. Its a loss of control.

It's terrifying, frustrating, worrisome,

and completely and utterly addicting.

Up by my Bootstraps

I've had a terrible time keeping myself together lately. Little things set me off on tirades that last ten minutes or more. I need some time. Still.

I took a day away and drove four hours to go see the boy just to drive four hours back the same night to get back in time for turnout. I went to my old church and took my best friend out to eat but the reason I went down there was to see him. Just him.

The more time goes by the harder it is for me to ignore the feeling I get when he's not around me. I can't drive thoughts of him from my mind. It's surreal that I no longer have that control over my mind (and body) that every bit of me craves him when he's not here with me. I just want the shelter of his arms. The way that all my worries melt away when I look in his eyes. When I watch him smile, worries aren't the only thing that melts.

I know. I'm easy.

and... I'm gushing.

He has started calling me every night. It's odd.

Used to be, I did the calling. Used to be, I initiated most of the conversations.

Not anymore.

So strange.

But even my day away hasn't gotten my thoughts in order enough for me to function as well as I should. I've been sunk in this horrible mood almost all week.

Finally today, I was able to decide that I had had enough and drug myself out of the dark crevice in my mind I'd been hiding in for whatever reason. I'm trying to get back to my rubber band mode where even if things go wrong I can still smile and go on with life.

Pulling myself up by my bootstraps.

I will do it.

I can do it.

Ready....

Set...

Go.