Catching up, Catching fire

Its been so long.  Life went on with out my documentation of it.  Without me needing to put my feelings out on paper.  Able to express most everything I needed to.  Everything else was just a passing fancy.  Mostly.

I can't believe its been three years since I've posted.  Lets see if I can't catch up.

I'm back with M.  Its better.  Still a battle sometimes, but show me a relationship that isn't, at least once in a while, a battle.  Communication is better.  Sex is more prevalent. I get my space.

I do less hiding.  I do more living.

We bought a bed.  A big bed.

It feels a lot like commitment without the whole ring and married thing.

The married thing.  I'm not sure about all that.  Somedays, I wish it would just happen.  That he would ask, and I'd say 'yes' and we'd live happily ever after...

But then I think, really think, I don't know that I can do that.  I don't know - even now - that this is right.  I do know that its easy.  And comfortable.  And lovely.

But not really, a lot of spice.  I like spice.  Not on my food but in my life.  But with spice, comes drama.

And I hate drama.

Like really...

HATE drama.

Thus my conundrum.

Without spice, comfortable sounds like boring.  Easy sounds lazy.  Lovely sounds more like an insult. Love becomes a four letter word.

Gah.  When did I get so jaded? Hahaha

Lost

I'm still trying to figure out where I am going.

I feel like I just hit my life with a wrecking ball. I'm wondering if this change I made is really what I want. If this is really the direction I wanted to go in.

I look around me and I see the rubble of my relationship at my feet and then I close my eyes and pretend its not there; Plowing through my life with my usual step. Only now I feel a bit numb inside.

I lost myself somewhere. It was my biggest fear since I was a kid. I've lost myself and I didn't know how to get it back. Though the best way I know how is to have myself to myself and pick up the pieces of my identity along the way.

He says he didn't see it coming. But everyone else is being supportive. Everyone else says they've been waiting for this to happen. Everyone else says 'you've got to do what you've got to do'.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm flying blind. I wish someone could just help me get my feet back on solid ground.

Incidentally Falling

I don't know if you just made my life harder or easier.

Do you really think I'm just going to jump your bones anytime I want to hang out with you?

No. I am going to jump yours because for a super nerd, you're pretty hot with a great rack and I am sure I could do things to you that would make your head spin.

When I start thinking about the whole thing my heart starts to pound and my breath becomes shallow. I feel those little flutters start in my stomach.

There is no way I'm falling in love.

I don't know this guy.

He's just someone I work with.

This is just emotions running away with me.

I'm after that rush of being with someone new.

I can't go diving straight into a relationship after leaving one.

This isn't happening.

I definitely can't date someone I work with.

I'm just fantasizing he has a real interest in me.

I'm just a girl jumping to conclusions...

"It is very often nothing but our own vanity that deceives us. Women fancy admiration means more than it does."

- Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice

I'm just putting emotions in the situation that both don't belong and are probably just a consequence of my imagination.

Complicated

Sweet Infatuation by ahemjez

I get a big goofy grin anytime I think about our time together. He makes me smile and he's not even around. My breath catches when he touches me. I can't make my mouth say anything even resembling intelligence. My heart starts to pound when he watches me for too long. I can feel it in my ears. I get a pang of jealousy when I see him flirt with someone else. I never get jealous.

Worst of all...

He's not the boy.

Life just got terribly complicated.

First Kiss?

I was in my senior year of high school when I got my first kiss. Though, I'm not entirely sure you could even call it a kiss.
My first (and only) boyfriend. (that's right, this is the boy) Though we didn't define it as such. Come to think of it, we avoided all labels like that. We were 'going out' as the fashion was then. (gosh, I say that like I'm old or something.)
(I mean I certainly feel old with everyone I know getting married and having babies and such, but that's an entirely different post. And seriously, Fresh Prince on Nick at Night?? really?)
I'm not even sure if it was our first date or just one day he dropped me off at my house. But he had driven me home from somewhere and walked halfway to the door of my house. It was still daylight (that's really all I remember. I'm gettin' old, remember?).
He stopped me from going any further to give me a hug. It was a good long hug. I love hugs like that. As he pulled away, I heard a smooch and felt a brush on my cheek close to my lips but not quite close enough.
I was stunned.
Did I just get kissed? my head spun a little bit. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to say something?
He just kept walking back to his car. I was so confused as he got inside. I managed to walk dumbfounded to the front door where it sunk in that I had actually been given my first kiss.
I kind of smiled because I was still in shock over the whole thing. I never mentioned it because I was never quite sure if it was intentional. Or if it even was an actual kiss.
There were many more after this. Many much better kisses. Much more kiss like. I'm not sure why, but this time sticks with me so I consider it my first kiss.
We dated the reminder of my senior year. He had graduated two years before me but still went to church with me (that's how we got together) but we somehow just puttered out after that.
Two years later, it began again. With a kiss. A whole different kind of kiss. (but that's another story.)

Wrapped Up

I woke up this morning wrapped up in M's arms. I absolutely love that feeling.

Best.

Christmas.

Ever.

Nevermind several thousand awkward moments meeting his family for the first time. Yipes!

Hope you all got to spend Christmas with your loved ones.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Mistake?

It was just a kiss.

That's what I told him. It didn't mean anything.

But when does a kiss really mean nothing?

Never.

This kiss was about a missed opportunity. A crush that never quite made it through.

It was a promise that maybe someday.

It was a lie that I never wanted anything more.

The first was a gift.

The second...

well that one was a wish.

Problem that every girl thinks they want

What do you do when you have several boys that say they are in love with you?

When you have two very different men saying they will follow you where ever you go... to the ends of the earth if they must.



What do you do when your heart aches to hurt one of them but by standing by doing nothing you know that somehow you are doing just that?



My heart hurts, my head is worried. What a problem to have! Having boys follow you around pining. I don't want to be pined after. Shouldn't I be the one pining? I am the girl. I guess it goes both ways.



My best friend wants to be that girl that a boy dreams of. that all he thinks about. that his heart aches for.



I guess I want that too. I just want it to be mutual. I wish I could love them both. But at this point, today I'm not sure I can love either of them. Not like they deserve. I'm just a girl. I'm not all that special. I mean, I'm unique. I'm powerful. I love. But... Surely I'm not what these men are looking for. I am not perfect. Far from it. But then... we all are.

I should talk it over with someone. I feel bad enough about the situation. How do I ask for advice when the problem I see I have just sounds conceited? That I'm full of myself.



*sigh* Perhaps I'm just not ready to be in love...

Looking for Something More

He's near perfect.

But somehow its not enough.

He loves me.

I just wish my love could match his.

Because then I wouldn't break his heart.

I look at flowers in the store and wonder why he never brought me any.

It's probably the only thing he didn't do.

I reread the old texts he send me. Romantic in nature, I should be swooning. And indeed I do. But somehow its not enough. It's been going on two years and I feel like I'm wasting, and settling.

I've been thinking on it for months. It just took one conversation with a friend to tell me, I've been lying to myself. And, ultimately, to him.

It's all left me looking for...

something more.

It's just not right. For me.

I'm going to have to let him go.

It's going to break my heart to break his.

Diamond Fool

How do you tell someone that you love them and yet not love them at the same time?

My heart hurts that I even write this because I wish it wasn't true.

He says I am the one.

But I am not so confident.

He asks me.

I say yes, but don't know why.

I wish I knew what love felt like. I thought I knew, but it wasn't this, not exactly. I guess it's different. I am too young. Too inexperienced to know what I hold is precious.

And worst of all, I yearn for something different and I don't know why. I feel trapped. I haven't had time to see it all yet. I haven't had my heart broken... I don't even know if it can be broken. I feel so calloused to things sometimes. I do know that I have the power to break his and I desparately don't want to.

But I need some freedom. Freedom to do what? I don't know.

Flirt.

Let my hair down.

Be a fool.

He lets me be who I need to be. He trusts me. He depends on me.

How much more do I need?

He loves me.

Maybe too much.

Is that possible? To be loved too much?

I keep ignoring myself when I think about this. I wish there was someone to tell me if I was just being crazy or not. It takes a lot out of me just to admit this much.

Why can't I be happy with a ruby instead of a diamond? I never cared much for diamonds anyway.

I know what I have is precious. I know that I shouldn't want to give it up. I know it will kill him if I do and I don't want that.

God, I don't want that.

I do love him.

I just don't know about the rest.

Infallacies of Love

He asked me to marry him.

half drunk, on the dance floor;

he asked me to marry him,

He said this wasn't it. He was going to do it right.

He said he knew he was drunk but if he asked me tomorrow, what would my answer be?

I told him, "We'll see"

He never asked.

But today, I want to say "yes".