The Uglies

I just can't pull myself out of this slump. I feel awful and nothing is working to lift these frown lines that seem permanently etched onto my face.

I think I know what is the problem. I haven't had any time to myself for the last four days. There's always been someone in my room. I haven't been able to hide and bare the uglies. I have this block when someone else is in the room, I can't write, I can't think. I guess I'm just too much of a hostess. I let my guests run the show and I just accomadate them. I haven't had the time to release my emotions, and all this backed up baggage is really weighing me down.

And now that I have the time and space to let it loose, I can't. I have the sneaking fear that if I start unpacking that someone is going to walk in and I'll have to make a big rush to shove it all under the rug. And I might miss something, like a tear running down my cheek and then I'll never get rid of them.

*sigh*

I need a break from people. I need a three hour trail ride. I need some fresh air, wind blowing my hair. I need sunshine and a bubbling brook.

Most of all, I think I need to cry.

But then , why won't the tears some?

Winter Wonderland

I know, I know. I promised to write but suddenly our room has become the new cool place to party and I'm hardly finding enough time to sleep without interuption let alone write. But luckily class has been cancelled today and all our visitors are still asleep on the floor. At about 2 last night, after trying to fall asleep to the not-so-subtle background noise of screams of frustration, and cocky boasting, all brought on by mario kart which is situated within ten feet of where my head was snuggled on my bed, I finally complained and kicked them out of the room. Oh the joys of communal living.

Oh and then, I got a very cheery call from someone from Ambassadors at 8am this morning telling me that though classes had been cancelled and there was still ice everywhere I still had to give a tour of the campus and oh-by-the-way it been moved up four hours. Damn. I was not pleased. But I got up anyway and climbed over our guests to get to my closet for some clothes and went to breakfast.

I live a wonderful life.

Blissfully Boring

So no big revelations or heavy issues weighing down my heart this day. I've moved back to school and haven't looked back. I'm really comfortable here. There are things to keep me busy and breaks just long enough that I can actually relax and not feel like a total bum. Classes don't start until tomorrow but today was busy enough with the start of the Job Hunt; getting and filling out applications that I hate, then returning said applications to important people and flash an innocent smile that hopefully convinces them that I'm a good choice to hire.

I'm a hard worker. It doesn't even matter whether I like what I'm doing or not. I'm a work-a-holic so as long as I'm working, I'm in bliss. So hopefully someone will take pity on me and let me work myself to death.

I just want a job. I want a boss that I can respect. I want responsibilities. I want to be able to pay my bills with money I made. It's all part of that independance thing.

Roomate's Boy pestered me all night last night so I had to set him straight with a deck of cards. He's been pouting all day. Calling for a rematch that I'm going to win. Luck, my foot.

I'll be writing more over the next few months less class or natural disaster interfere...Or the campus network crashes for the umpteenth time (ah life of communal living!).
Nothing eloquent or special here today.
Just living and loving life.
My life.

Losing Control

I want him.

And I don't just want him sexually. Well there's definately that. But I just want him near me, holding my hand, stroking my shoulder/knee/arm, watching tv, reading, chatting to friends. There's a certain magnetic feeling between us. I desparately don't want to give him up even for a moment. I don't even know if I can put it into words anymore. It's all scrambled in my brain.

I try to maintain a certain decorum and be the queen of coolness. But when it comes to him, there is nothing cool about me. I want to be close to him but when I do get close, its like my body takes on a life of its own. It stops listening to what I try to say. Its a loss of control.

It's terrifying, frustrating, worrisome,

and completely and utterly addicting.

Fabulous

I bought this spectacular little black dress this morning. Spent money when I shouldn't have especially this close to Christmas. Waited in suspense all day long just to it home to prance around since the two minutes appraisal in the dressing room at Penneys.

I really can't afford this...

But it is fabulous.

I really can't be spending this money...

Its black, I would wear it more than once. Every girl should have a little black dress. It's a fashion thing.

It's a little snug...

It's sexy.

It shows my knees. I hate my knees...

Oh get off it, you love it. It is on sale...

...

This dress is so mine

I don't indulge in being female very often. I actually try to supress the impulse any time it tries to rear its ugly pink, fashion-consious head.

But this really is a fabulous dress. I'm so going to knock them dead.

One Missed Call

Striped Shirt called me.

*giggles*

Nothing is going to come of this. But it just goes to show that you don't want to mess with me.

Oh and then, I had missed a call from one of the girls at the barn, I attempted to call her back.

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

"You have reached..."

Gah... voicemail... ok well maybe she'll get it in time.

"the voicemail box of... "

Man's voice says the name. Ok so maybe its her Dad's cell or something that she uses.

Then I register what name was said:

"Striped Shirt"

Crap!!! Disconnect! Disconnect!

whoops...

He called me back and I about died from laughing while attempting to explain to him the situation without sounding like some nervouslittlemiddleschoolerwhouseslameexcusestocallandthenhangupbeforeanyoneanswers kinda girl.

Cause that's pretty much how I feel like I sounded.

The Art of Guy Stealing

I love to dance.

Anyway to anything and with anyone

(...just about...)

definately not with the creepy guy who keep groaning everytime he sees me shake my ass.

That's so not cool.

not hot.

not sexy.

not anything.

When I go out, which is not usually all that often, I go to dance, not to drink.

Drinking just gets me into a groove a little faster. And more confidence to really let loose.

But I definately don't have to drink to have fun.

I feel one of the best things about going to a bar is that you can do just about what ever you want on the dance floor and if someone thinks you look like an idiot they'll probably just chalk it up to the fact that you are more than likely drunk. That's just my philosophy.

I managed to get myself into some mischief last night when we went out. A couple guys from out of town were looking for a good time. They were pretty well drunk by the time we even got to the bar. The girls and I were getting drinks at the bar and just hanging out. As the better songs came on, my boogie came out just a little bit more. I kept getting nudged toward the dance floor, but I wasn't quite ready. Y, my suitemate, had her boy there with us. The new guys were sitting next to her. Somehow they get to talking about wanting to dance She asked them who they wanted to dance with and and They had pointed to me and said "that one" so Y calls me over.

"You (pointing to me) and You(pointing to striped shirt) go dance."

Me: "Well, alright.."

And the song ends as soon as we hit the dance floor. Striped Shirt bows out and we head back to the bar. It's about here where I should introduce the creepy guy with glasses standing behind me who was staring rather obviously at my ass and groaned audibly anytime I dance in the near vicinity. Such a buzz kill. And I was even buzzed. I hadn't had a drink yet.

K bought me a rum and coke and we discussed said creepy guy. I'm trying to save my money. I blew a lot at some random trips to walmart the past couple of days but I digress...

a local boy, Moose, came up and asked me to dance.

Now, here's my philosophy on that. I'll dance with just about anybody who asks me because it takes a pretty big set of cajones to ask any random girl to dance. Except the creepy old guy, nuf said. We don't want to encourage that one.

Throughout the night I danced a lot. A lot with friends, several by myself, a couple with random guys who said they couldn't dance. (I have this thing with people who believe they can't dance, I don't care if they actually can or can't keep a rhythm, the point is to just have some fun.) And several with Striped Shirt. I made him salsa dance with me because I didn't know of anyone else who would since Roomate wasn't out with us. Apparently, one of my girls had her eye on Striped shirt and I was causeing some trouble with her pulling out the moves.

At this point, I feel I should say that I don't care who who goes after and usually I'll stay out of the way, but I was there to have a good time and Striped Shirt was too. We just wanted to dance and have fun. Besides, I have my own boy who I love. I don't need anyone else.

Too bad SS wasn't interested in her.

Now, I had no idea she was even trying to go after him until her and a KDub ambushed us on the dance floor. I let C take him and KDub gave me a look with her hands on her hips said, "Don't you have a boyfriend?!?"

"Yes I do." And I walked off the dance floor.

She can have him. I didn't care.

He was cute and nice and not trying to pick me up (well at least not obviously until the end of the night.) so I was ok with dancing with him more than once. As the night wore on, C kept cornering the poor boy. I had to come to his rescue a few times but he was polite and didn't just ignore her.

He came over to talk to me at the end of the night asked me about my boyfriend, ah... so they told him... not that I was trying to keep it a secret, I just don't feel the need to tell everyone I dance with my entire life story.

"Our heat doesn't work in our room we're staying in, so I keep trying to get my buddy to sleep with me. Hey get over here and keep me warm and he tells me 'hell no'." I laughed and told him I could think of another solution to keep him warm at night. He kinda coked his head and looked at me.

"C"

He threw back his head and laughed. He shook his head. "Well, what if I said I'd rather have you keep me warm."

So much for not trying to pick me up.

This time it was my turn to shake my head. "Nope, I'm taken. Sorry. I'm very happily taken."

But the end of the night, I was sick of the drama that I had apparently caused by stealing this boy. Cause, you know, that's exactly what I was trying to do by turning him down.

I borrowed a pen from a friend and wrote my number down on a scrap of a receipt that was left in my wallet from some bygone era where I used to try to keep track of where my money had gotten off to. Just a simple, call if you're ever in town again.

I handed it to him.

Just to piss her off.

Maybe I was in the wrong in the first place, but man, if you know me, you know I'm not going to cheat. I'm not going to take some boy from anyone else. I may save them from you but that's as far as it goes. And it goes both ways... I'll save you from them if its needed.