Loneliness

I wish I had a friend to call.
I'm not one to hate being alone. I love my alone time but sometimes (like tonight) I want a friend who I can call without feeling like I'm a bother. Someone not connected to the boy. Someone who is willing to put for the effort in a friendship. Someone who sees friendship as a two way street.

You have to be a friend to make a friend.


I thought I found one but instead I found a broken heart.
I'm almost ready to give up. This one was my last saving grace.

'You have to be a friend to make one', I told him when he asked why I had come.

'I need a friend,' I said when he asked me why I hang out with him.


I don't think he understood that he was exactly what I needed. Or maybe he did and he just doesn't care.



There are other people.
But with everyone else, talking feels awkward and forced. I don't think I know how to cross the bridge from acquaintance to friend anymore.

I'm trying to grow up.


Growing up is hard.

Sleepless thoughts

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just wouldn't shut off. I keep going back and forth over stuff that really doesn't concern me. Instead I distracted myself with M. But now I have to go to work and work an exceptionally long shift on just over four hours of sleep. Someone save me.

I need to get over this hump and get back to being me.

Wishing it was simpler

So many changes...

They are all so little but it's just that extra little bit of stress that seems to cave me in.

I've been absolutely drained for the last three or fours days now and no matter when I go to bed I can't seem to catch up on any rest.

I start teaching riding lessons this next week. I'm super happy to be back in a place where I can work with horses again. The work is so obvious. So plain. There's no drama with horses. They just are. Horses don't lie. It makes life simpler.

Simple is welcome right now since I had to go and make life complicated.

I'm still trying to get my head on straight about all that. It's dragging me down pretty hard core at the moment. I'll try to be less vague in another post... I just can't seem to put what's in my heart or head down on paper yet.

And now I've chosen to be a trainer at work. It's hard. I mean, it's not that hard but it's uncomfortable for sure. I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself in restaurant; let alone someone else too - and doing everything (and I mean everything) up to standards (even the stupid ones).

So here I am just wishing it was all simpler.

What qualifies as depression?

Image by Yuliya Libkina via Flickr

Do you have to think about killing yourself to be depressed? I've looked at a lot of self questionnaires in the last few months since I really haven't been feeling myself. I don't think about death. Or if I do it's rare and even then it's about what people would think about me when I died. Nothing in there about killing myself.
I cry more than I used to. I lack the drive to get anything done. My appetite changes on a daily basis... but then it always has. I'm cursed(blessed with a fast metabolism. It happens.
Just look at this blog. I've neglected it for months at a time this time. Not because I have been busy as I may have professed but because I felt I had nothing to write about. Nothing has pierced this fog I feel like I've been in.
You may say 'See a doctor'. But I'm broke with no health insurance. So that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm trying to get my back fixed first... and my teeth. And pay off the credit card from my root canal from almost a year ago when I got fired.
A friend suggested SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because when winter goes away I seem to be better. That probably is the case, actually. I'll find out this summer, I guess. Hopefully everything will be back to normal.
The boy hates to see me sad.
I hate to see me sad.

broken...

If I was honest with myself about how I felt about that place. I had fallen in love with the people and the land again. I felt a place where I could always belong again. I thought maybe, just maybe, I had found my Terabithia again. At least a close second.
And then that place turned its back on me. Threw me out to the wolves and broke my heart, shattered my confidence, and maybe even my dreams. It hurts to think about it now. I can't even look at pictures without feeling the ache in my chest where I thought I had found that feeling again.
I don't like it but I needed that place. I thought it could be a constant. That maybe, just maybe, I could settle there for a while. More than just a summer at a time. No more dreaming of the next time. I could be respected and treasured for who I was. I could be trusted to get the work done and be content.
Now all that has soured into feeling of grief, sorrow, and anger just wallowing in the base of my being. I'm afraid to try that hard again. I'm afraid to be rejected that hard right when I thought things were just turning around.
My dreams crushed for a second time. Why do I give people this power over me? Why do I lie myself on the block for them, torture myself for them? It's just a job. Isn't it?
I don't know that my dreams will ever be a job for me. It's just too bad that the job won't let me have my dreams anymore.
That place wrung me dry.

Behind these hazel eyes.

I can't tell him anything.
I can't tell anyone.
I'm broken.
I can't tell him because I can't tell myself. I don't know what to say.
Something inside me is broken. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when it happened.
But the life behind these hazel eyes of mine is dimmed. The spark is gone.
The smile which used to dance continually over these lips now sleeps the day away.
He knows something is wrong.
I want to tell him.
I want to cry on his shoulder and I don't want to feel bad for doing it. I want to wrapped in those warm arms until this goes away.
But instead, when he asks my lips fake a smile and say 'nothing is wrong'
'I'm fine'...
'don't worry'
While inside somewhere I'm screaming, crying to please do worry, force me to tell you, drag the words from my chest where they stay knotted. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. Make me feel better.
This burden is too hard for me to bear alone but I don't know how to share it.

Burned...

So... I have a new job.
and I'm totally unexcited about it. It's not that I've gotten used to not working in the last two weeks. I just feel like I got burned so bad this last time. I'm wondering if it's worth the effort to give my all for a job again.
I've always been a bit of a work-a-holic. I've always loved my job. If I stopped loving it, I swore I would quit. And I did.
But I worked really hard at this one. Tried to make things better. And got continually put down and hurt for it. Any extra initiative I took was displayed as idiocy and I was yelled at and cut down. So much of me is tied to my job. My work ethic. If I'm told I'm not doing a good enough job, I take it that I am not good enough.
I hurt. This is worse than a bad breakup.
Maybe it's just safer to not love my job. I guess I know why people try not to fall in love with anything. It always hurts.

Wilted

I feel wilted.

Yesterday, I woke up ready to hold my head high and tell my asshole of a boss that he could not ever treat me the way he treated me again.
And I almost got myself fired.

I woke up early. I turned my Ipod on to the kick ass play list I made the night before. I straightened my hair. I put on makeup. I put on just enough jewelry for luck. I made sure my outfit was perfect. I did everthing except wear my man-eater heels.
I can't work in those. Not in the barn.
I worked my ass off all morning before the meeting. I tried to do everything exactly as I had been told. Show that I knew what to do(now), and I could do it right.

All for nothing.

No one backed me up.
No one told even told me that he was in the wrong.

It was all my fault he blew up at me, they told me.
I should have been following directions, they said.
He's still new. He's still learning how to communicate, they told me.

All my fault.
I would have been following directions, had I known what they were.
How come he gets a free ride for verbally abusing me
and I get threatened with getting fired?
Fine, I told them.
I will do what I am told exactly how I'm told.
I will be polite.

But, I turned to him.
I will not respect you unless you earn it back.
I left my last job for being verbally abused
and I will not tolerate it from you.
I leveled my eyes at him, burning on the inside.
You should have been reprimanded at the very least for treating me like shit.
I will not ever give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.

asshole.

(I did not actually call him an asshole, even though I was screaming every pofanity I could think of in my head. I would not stoop to his level.)

And then I was almost immediately fired on the spot.
All my extra things I had been doing to help people out were taken away from me. I was given a list of duties and I am not allowed to deviate from them. No matter how idiotic they are.

and some of them are... they really are.

Fine.

I woke up this morning angrier than I have been in a long time.
I can't even change things.
I was made into a liar and no one will listen to me.

And I didn't even get an appology.
asshole.

I thought I had friends.
I, apparently, was mistaken on all accounts.

...

Well, I was.
Now, I'm one step away from getting fired.

What happened to the person I wanted to be?

I've always felt that I could make myself be who I want to be simply by force of will. Simply by wanting it.

I want to be confident so I act confident and tell that little voice in my head to politely shut-the-hell-up. And it works.

Kind of.

I come across as more outgoing, more confident. My friends tell me they wish they could be like that. What they don't know is that it really is all just an act. It's just fake it til you make, baby.

I don't feel more confident. I'm still a self conscious little ball of scared timidity just like everyone else. Is it this way for everyone? Are people who seem confident just acting?

So this has been my life up to now. I've been deciding how I want people to see me and acting that out as I best see fit. When I was a kid, I used to always wonder what people would say about me when I was dead. Would anyone cry? Would anyone even come to my funeral? And if they did, would they because they wanted to or because they thought they had to? Apparently, I was a morbid child...

Reguardless... all this nonesense I seem to be spouting leads me to nothing. I do seem to be rambling.

Sorry. Let me start again.

The point is that while driving the utterly straight highway I was thinking that somehow I've changed without ever realizing it. And I'm still not the person I want to be. If anything, I feel like I've gone backwards. I passed a person on the highway and just stared at him as I drove passed. When I got back oaver in the right lane, I saw him wave at me in my rearview mirror. A couple of years ago, as I passed, I would smile really big and wave to see if I could brighten their day. And I did it to everyone. It totally made my day to have a trucker honk their horn and flash their lights at me after I waved. (Ok... so I like the attention... it's not like I flashed them or anything...seriously, I didn't.) But now, I've become one of those people who is so selfabsorbed in my own life, my own problems, that it doesn't even occur to me to try to smile at a stranger anymore.

When did I become that person?

One of my resolutions was to smile more. I must have seen it coming to make that a resolution. But somehow, it still slipped past me. How did I get so grumpy? I can't even pull myself up to act it anymore. I'll think about trying to smile at a passing driver but they pass before I ever work up the energy to pull up the corners of my mouth.

What happened to the person I wanted to be? Why is she not here yet?

and worse yet...

Why did I give up on trying to keep being her?

Venting: Week 1 of New Job

I'm not enjoying Florida so much. I'm just not feeling welcome really. It's not that Boss Lady and English Lass aren't nice. They are. I just feel like a neglected dog that gets the occasional hello and pats on the shoulder when they notice I'm there.
Don't mind me. I'm just working my ass off for you. That's all.
They both love to talk. A lot. and it really doesn't matter if anyone is actually listening. But I do listen. And when I say something, it usually gets shot down for like ten minutes when a simple 'no' would do.
I know it's because I'm new and I'm under a lot of stress but I really just want to go home. I want a hug.
I've been fighting tears all day for no good reason. I cant wait until I get paid. Maybe then I'll feel some validation and satifaction. I think I would even be content to be back in Georgia. I miss my own space. This sharing a camper deal isn't nice. Especially since the couch/futon bed I'm in is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever been on. And now I'm expected to fold it up every morning... sigh...
English Lass can't even get to the barn on time ANYTIME. It's so frustrating. So I do most of the work just because I want to be done before five. These ten hour days are going to kill me. I would rather get the work done early all at once and then taking a break the rest of the evening.
...

Heavy

I'm so exhausted from working ten hour days nonstop for the last four days.

I can't wait until my body gets used to this life.

I've reached the point of exhaustion where everything threatens to make me cry. All my limbs feels about ten pounds heavier than they should be. And yet, I can't relax enough to fall asleep when I do get a break. And we're leaving for a show tomorrow.

God save me.

Troubles

So I'm single these days. Well for all intentional purposes for me. We have revised the break up to be just a break. I don't know what to do. I can't make just a clean break of it.

I still love him.

It's just not him I see myself spending the rest of my life with.

I wish I did because this would be a lot easier. I want something better. I want a diamond not a ruby - though both are precious. One is better for me.

I think.

I hope.

I just don't want to hurt anyone else.

I know I'm sounding very scatterbrained and vague. It's because I don't really know what is going on, what I want and what I don't want. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of everything.

Tonight, K put his hand on my back softly as he was passing. It seemed to stay there longer than it should have. I took comfort from it and wished for more. Not really from him of course. He's my boss and a cheating SOB to boot. I just miss that soft touch of someone caring.

I want a kiss. a fleeting simple soft kiss.

I want a hug. a long warm comforting hug.

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of the bar.

I'm tired of the drunk boys at the bar that just like to watch me shake my ass.

I'm tired of the drunk boys who want my number and then never use it.

I'm tired of people quitting.

I'm tired of people not following through with their promises.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm just tired.

I want to curl up in someone's arms and fall asleep before they do. I want someone to let me relax for just a minute. I want a hot bath and a back rub. I want someone to care enough to let me need them instead of the other way around for once. I need to cry in someone's presence and be comforted without them succumbing to tears as well.

Looking for Something More

He's near perfect.

But somehow its not enough.

He loves me.

I just wish my love could match his.

Because then I wouldn't break his heart.

I look at flowers in the store and wonder why he never brought me any.

It's probably the only thing he didn't do.

I reread the old texts he send me. Romantic in nature, I should be swooning. And indeed I do. But somehow its not enough. It's been going on two years and I feel like I'm wasting, and settling.

I've been thinking on it for months. It just took one conversation with a friend to tell me, I've been lying to myself. And, ultimately, to him.

It's all left me looking for...

something more.

It's just not right. For me.

I'm going to have to let him go.

It's going to break my heart to break his.

Trying for another home away from home

I'm away with people I don't know typing away on a keyboard unfamiliar with its stiff keys and uncomfortable sound. It's so different. I miss my terabithia desparately. My only consilation is that it's not gone forever. Or at least so they tell me. My greatest fear is that it is and no one will know the love I found for that place as I do.

As much as I try, this place doesn't hold its arms out waiting for me to once again surround myself by the wind in the trees, the hoofbeats in a dusty corral in the afternoon heat, and the cries of girls I've watched grow from daisy to caddette.

I mourn at its almost loss that I fear will disappear before my eyes.

The Uglies

I just can't pull myself out of this slump. I feel awful and nothing is working to lift these frown lines that seem permanently etched onto my face.

I think I know what is the problem. I haven't had any time to myself for the last four days. There's always been someone in my room. I haven't been able to hide and bare the uglies. I have this block when someone else is in the room, I can't write, I can't think. I guess I'm just too much of a hostess. I let my guests run the show and I just accomadate them. I haven't had the time to release my emotions, and all this backed up baggage is really weighing me down.

And now that I have the time and space to let it loose, I can't. I have the sneaking fear that if I start unpacking that someone is going to walk in and I'll have to make a big rush to shove it all under the rug. And I might miss something, like a tear running down my cheek and then I'll never get rid of them.

*sigh*

I need a break from people. I need a three hour trail ride. I need some fresh air, wind blowing my hair. I need sunshine and a bubbling brook.

Most of all, I think I need to cry.

But then , why won't the tears some?