Catching up, Catching fire

Its been so long.  Life went on with out my documentation of it.  Without me needing to put my feelings out on paper.  Able to express most everything I needed to.  Everything else was just a passing fancy.  Mostly.

I can't believe its been three years since I've posted.  Lets see if I can't catch up.

I'm back with M.  Its better.  Still a battle sometimes, but show me a relationship that isn't, at least once in a while, a battle.  Communication is better.  Sex is more prevalent. I get my space.

I do less hiding.  I do more living.

We bought a bed.  A big bed.

It feels a lot like commitment without the whole ring and married thing.

The married thing.  I'm not sure about all that.  Somedays, I wish it would just happen.  That he would ask, and I'd say 'yes' and we'd live happily ever after...

But then I think, really think, I don't know that I can do that.  I don't know - even now - that this is right.  I do know that its easy.  And comfortable.  And lovely.

But not really, a lot of spice.  I like spice.  Not on my food but in my life.  But with spice, comes drama.

And I hate drama.

Like really...

HATE drama.

Thus my conundrum.

Without spice, comfortable sounds like boring.  Easy sounds lazy.  Lovely sounds more like an insult. Love becomes a four letter word.

Gah.  When did I get so jaded? Hahaha

Empty house

Living with roomates is great. Really, its nice to come home to have some one to talk to. Left overs that you didn't have to cook, and someone to watch the pup.
But sometimes I wish they would all just go away so I can have the house to myself. For the whole day.
Every morning I wake up and peer out the window to see whose cars are still here because sometimes they sleep until five or six in the evening. It's weird. And so the only way I know if they're gone is if their trucks are gone. I beginning to think one never works more than once or twice a week for like two hours at a time. One works all the time managing to have one day off during the week - which also happens to be my only day off, of course. The last one is just recently unemployed but visits enough friends and stuff to be gone at least some of the time unlike the first who is always doing some form of home improvement.
And there always seems to be drama, somehow. Sigh...
So I tend to just hide in my room a lot of the time, emerging usually only when people are asleep or gone. I feel exceptionally like a agoraphobe.

Space out

So much for my writing at least once a month resolution. I missed a month. Oh well, I've been super busy.
I'm finally settled in at my new place. I got a new comforter and sheets to celebrate my new space. It's amazing what having your own space does for your sanity. Even if I've been so busy I really haven't been here more than to sleep and shower.
I guess there are worse problems to have. I don't do well with boredom.
I feel lighter now. But that might be because I had my first day off yesterday in four weeks. You really appreciate not having anything you HAVE to do for once after a couple of weeks of obligation.

I don't know if I'm being fair to everyone in my life right now. But I'm trying to.
I'm being chased by like three guys now. I hear the way to do it is to just not get caught. lol
I go hang out with M once a week which seems to make him happy. And me. I miss him but I'm still not ready to go back. I'm not sure I ever will.
Gentleman from work is super sweet. Apparently he's had his eye on me for a while. I was completely clueless. I thought he came for beers - not to see me. Not sure how to deal with that. But he does brighten my day every time I see him.
Dancer is completely self absorbed - or at least it seemed that way when I let him take me out on Friday to the county fair. I met him out dancing. He is amazing to dance with - I kinda just want to keep him around to dance with me. He's a football coach and plays the part with all this talk of winning me a stuffed animal at the fair. (He never even tried, though) Sounds like all talk, to me. Maybe I'll give him another dance.. err.. chance. lol

Lost

I'm still trying to figure out where I am going.

I feel like I just hit my life with a wrecking ball. I'm wondering if this change I made is really what I want. If this is really the direction I wanted to go in.

I look around me and I see the rubble of my relationship at my feet and then I close my eyes and pretend its not there; Plowing through my life with my usual step. Only now I feel a bit numb inside.

I lost myself somewhere. It was my biggest fear since I was a kid. I've lost myself and I didn't know how to get it back. Though the best way I know how is to have myself to myself and pick up the pieces of my identity along the way.

He says he didn't see it coming. But everyone else is being supportive. Everyone else says they've been waiting for this to happen. Everyone else says 'you've got to do what you've got to do'.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm flying blind. I wish someone could just help me get my feet back on solid ground.

Self censorship

I talk to myself on a regular basis. Things always sound better in my head than they do coming out of my mouth. Since apparently there is something broken in that connection I have to talk to myself to make sure I don't sound like a complete idiot.
When I leave a conversation, I have to repeat what I've said to myself in sort of an afterthought censorship. Sometimes I even have entire conversations with someone without them even being there.
It's terrible.
I'm pretty crazy.

Setbacks to writing

I'm definitely sensing a small problem with my blogging more. Firstly, I'm freaking cold. I could write in the living room where its warmer but then I always feel like someone's looking over my shoulder. So alas, I'm suffering with frozen fingers and draped with layers of clothes. Maybe I should try gloves...
Another is my life isn't all that interesting currently. Just a lot of work mostly.
A peer into my day would show

• Time with my dog.
• Time with the TV/computer.
• Time at work.
• Occasional drama with M.

Though the drama is my own doing. My craziness that makes me female. I hate it.
I wish I could go back to being a good kid with a good head on my shoulders. Life was simpler.
Anyway... I still have a story or two up my sleeve. I just have to get them out of my head and arranged satisfactorily on paper. I think that writing even simple stuff like this will help get me get back in the groove.
It's not like when I was in school and was writing something every day for class. Because I'm not being made to write, I've kind of gotten out of the habit. And so I'm attempting to remedy that.
And here I am...
...rambling. lol

Dreams are funny

Dreams are Dreams by ~olushia-loosiczka

I've been having so delightfully intriguing dreams the last couple days. They are strange but not unsettling. Not the kind where when you wake up you are off your game for the rest of the day.

Instead, the kind that almost uplifts you and makes you smile.

This morning's dream was so vivid and long. My parents backyard was massive suddenly and they had various empty flower box things everywhere. My best friend and I decided to do a little bit of gardening so we went outside discovering.

A few were full with various vegetables that were a bit scraggly. And one particular had what I thought were those live forever plants that my mom's side of the family adores. But they turned out to be hermit crab type animals with plants as tops instead of shells that grabbed your finger and scared the living daylights out of me. We moved those into a different box and planted wildflowers where they were.

Nothing really grew in the dream yet but we had high hopes for a beautiful garden after some rain and time. We discovered an old hand pump that had more of a foot lever in a shallow pit next to our garden. I fell through the thin plywood cover on the lever and started flooding the shallow pit that my best friend was standing in. With a tiny bit of panic during and giggles after, she jumped out somewhat more damp after. We covered the pressure lever back up so we wouldn't unintentionally trigger a flood somewhere in the yard.

After finishing our part in the new garden we discovered an underground house. It was huge and newly finished. Inside there was a bunch of game rooms, with a bowling ally and basketball court amongst the others. It super cool. My parents came down to play with us and enjoy the new hideout.

I don't remember everything else that happened. The last scene in the dream ended with me looking at the garden with fondness, even the hermit crab buggers, and hoping for progress and lots of color. I knew some of the seeds wouldn't take root because in some of the boxes we hadn't removed the gravel that laid above the soft dirt, just mixed the seeds in. But those that were strong enough would put root down anyway. I knew this and felt peace anyway.

I woke up to my dog jingling her collar feeling peaceful and rested and happy to greet the day. I almost hope I actually had that garden.

Sometimes life does funny things

New Life by *meppol

Like throwing a wrench at your head.

I miss writing. I haven't done it in so long. It's hard to write while living with someone. Especially when you want to write about said person.

I'm going to try to get back into the habit again this year. It's a tentative resolution because I'm terrible at resolutions. So I feel if I make it tentative, it will work out better.

Other resolutions I want to try to keep:

Pay down a significant part of my credit debt. I don't have that much but enough that it's going to take me a little while. That root canal and losing my job two years ago really did me in (that was three grand by itself). This is definitely where my tax refund is going to go this year as well as every little scrap of extra cash that comes my way. I think I'm going to set a tentative goal at paying off three grand by the end of the year. It seems reasonable. Especially if I get this new riding instruction job that I'm drooling over. (Shh... don't want to jinx it.)

Get myself and the boy in better shape. Mostly the boy. I'm not the kind of person that manipulates my boy because I'm vain or selfish but then I kind of am. I'm really just tired of him talking about wanting to lose weight and then never doing anything about it. So about a month ago, I did it. I pulled out all the stops, waterworks and tantrums, every trick in the book. Not proud of it but it worked. When he gets a job we're doing P90. I have to do it too. And cook all the food. Gah.

I want to try to be a better employee. I'm really pretty terrible. I mean I'm a super hard worker. It's just that my attitude starts off all roses and butterflies and then goes to dumpster diving and grunge after a while. I just get to where I sit on top of my high horse and know what I am doing. A little hard to describe. At best, I would call it a sort of perfectionist's complacency. Anyway, I'm going to try not to talk back so much at work and keep my nose to the grindstone and let the little things slide off my back instead of taking everything to heart and getting pissy about it. This is going to be so much easier since the one manager I was the worst with was fired over my vacation.

A friend of mine has started a daily blog of the war on her acne. I love the idea and I wish her the best. I'm trying to decide if I could do the same thing with one of my goals this year. We'll have to see.

Hmmm... the puppy is whining. I need to take her somewhere and finish my to do list for the day before I go to work at four.

Remind me to tell you about my newest drama later with the three kisses.

What qualifies as depression?

Image by Yuliya Libkina via Flickr

Do you have to think about killing yourself to be depressed? I've looked at a lot of self questionnaires in the last few months since I really haven't been feeling myself. I don't think about death. Or if I do it's rare and even then it's about what people would think about me when I died. Nothing in there about killing myself.
I cry more than I used to. I lack the drive to get anything done. My appetite changes on a daily basis... but then it always has. I'm cursed(blessed with a fast metabolism. It happens.
Just look at this blog. I've neglected it for months at a time this time. Not because I have been busy as I may have professed but because I felt I had nothing to write about. Nothing has pierced this fog I feel like I've been in.
You may say 'See a doctor'. But I'm broke with no health insurance. So that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm trying to get my back fixed first... and my teeth. And pay off the credit card from my root canal from almost a year ago when I got fired.
A friend suggested SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because when winter goes away I seem to be better. That probably is the case, actually. I'll find out this summer, I guess. Hopefully everything will be back to normal.
The boy hates to see me sad.
I hate to see me sad.

Easy Smile

There was a boy. He reminds a lot of M.
I say that like I know him. It could be that he reminds me of him because he's built about the same and his smile seems to shine easier than most.

He stopped as I was taking the quiz carefully looking out over the dining room.
'Need any help with those questions?'
He sent me a sly smile as he readjusted his tab book.
I had reviewed pretty hard core before I had even started on the clock, even getting a chance to look at the answer key so I was fine.
'No, I think I've got it. but thanks... but I come around tomorrow then I could use your help.'
He looked at me then, his smile growing larger.
'Final certification, tomorrow?'
'Yup'
'Aw, it's not too hard, you'll do fine.' Smiling again, he wished me luck and went on his way to the kitchen.

I had to smile. He was too sweet.
Something about him seems to stick with me. Maybe its the resemblance to M but I learned his name first, even before my trainer's name who I met first. Maybe it's just that I love the romance behind almost strangers... remember this?

Life, at the moment

So I thought it would be nice if I updated you all on my life lately. I've joined a blogblock-stopper site that's hopefully going to help me keep writing. This of course, only helps if I can get online but I'm working on it. You'll see the posts with the light bulb at the bottom of it, those are my Plinky posts. They're all responses to prompts on the website which are usually in a question form. It's pretty cool.

Work seems to be leveling out. Working at a dude ranch is terribly fun when there are guests and kids running all the time. The only trouble happens it seems is when all the guests are gone and we are all left to bicker amongst ourselves. I swear there will never be a barn in exsistence in which there is no drama. Unless of course there is only one person there. Then, I suppose the only drama that would be there is the trouble between you and your horse.
Horse people are wonderful people but man, we can really be pigheaded most of the time...

Anyway, I did get my puppy. FINALLY! She's wonderful. She's beautiful and adorable.
And so well behaved. No one believes she's really only 4 months old. She doesn't leave my side most of the time, and when she does she usually doesn't leave my sight unless she's curled up asleep in the barn.
I've got her right now on a seven day trial to make sure she gets along with the ranch life, alright but already I think I might have a mutiny on my hands if I tried to give her back. Everyone loves her. The other dogs are a little indifferent but even Cannon has played with her when he thinks no one's watching. I'll post some pictures when I'm not at the ranch with bandwidth to worry about.
As it is, I'm writing this on my lunch hour. I should get back to the barn and finish up work for today. There's no guests so I just have to clean up and turn the horses out to pasture and feed everyone. Exciting. Exciting. :)

New Job: Week 2

It's getting better. Boss Lady acknowledges my presence a bit more. English Lass and I have become friends. i'm still not ok with the roomate situation at the moment however. I haven't had much time away from her. i need some time alone.

The tears that have been building over the last two weeks finally broke the dam today. I didn't get to ride and that triggered it. It seems a bit childish but it was just everything that was bothering me coming to a head. Luckily the barn was empty and I could just bury my head in the horse's side and sob while Boss Lady and English Lass were showing horses to prosepective buyers. I need a friend outside of work around here but with these hours its not like I have time to get away from the barn or camper to socialize. Even if I had time, I probably wouldn't have the energy.

On the brightside the horses have monday off. Which means I have a day off. Kind of. I still have to feed and such but at least I can relax a bit more.

It is getting better.

I have a our legged friend who follows me around and sleep in my bed with me.

I bought him a ball. He's addicted to the thing.

A Big Girl Now

So I've been way behind on keeping this thing up. I'm going to try to be better but you know me... I always promise then end up giving up and starting all anew when I feel the ridiculous urge to write.

I'm a grown up now. I've officially graduated college. I even got that pretty little peice of paper in the mail yesterday to prove it. It's got my name on it and everything. I've been picked up by my collar and thrown out of a comfortable daily schedule of life into the real world when I have to figure out what to actually do with the rest of my life. College degree notwithstanding.

I've even landed a job. In Georgia. I leave in less than a month.

I get my own appartment and everything.

*booty shake*

I'm wearing the big girl panties now.

Problem that every girl thinks they want

What do you do when you have several boys that say they are in love with you?

When you have two very different men saying they will follow you where ever you go... to the ends of the earth if they must.



What do you do when your heart aches to hurt one of them but by standing by doing nothing you know that somehow you are doing just that?



My heart hurts, my head is worried. What a problem to have! Having boys follow you around pining. I don't want to be pined after. Shouldn't I be the one pining? I am the girl. I guess it goes both ways.



My best friend wants to be that girl that a boy dreams of. that all he thinks about. that his heart aches for.



I guess I want that too. I just want it to be mutual. I wish I could love them both. But at this point, today I'm not sure I can love either of them. Not like they deserve. I'm just a girl. I'm not all that special. I mean, I'm unique. I'm powerful. I love. But... Surely I'm not what these men are looking for. I am not perfect. Far from it. But then... we all are.

I should talk it over with someone. I feel bad enough about the situation. How do I ask for advice when the problem I see I have just sounds conceited? That I'm full of myself.



*sigh* Perhaps I'm just not ready to be in love...

Being Female

Girls are spectacular creatures. I should know, I am one.

I've tried denying it for a long time. And I still do from time to time. I've always resisted all those qualities in women that drive me up the wall.

But...

I don't know. I rather feel like embracing it all. It seems like that is the only way I can be satisfied with myself. Why am I fighting what I am? I can manage those things I view as faults.

It's ok to cry, sometimes.

I love the sound the rain makes as it falls. Its is even so much better when you are out in it, feeling it hit your skin, hear it drop from dangling tree leaves, and tasting it on your lips. I makes me feel clean - its like crying but without the red eyes and runny nose - so refreshing and comforting. It fills my soul with peace.

The only thing to make it better would be either having my camp staff with me.
Or M...

Oh Lord, how I miss him so far away.

Silence

It's funny that yesterday, after all the excitement of friends laughter and a rowdy night, I was suddenly hit with a rush of being alone. The quiet wasn't soothing and I longed for someone to be there. I tried to console myself with a few phone calls but that didn't quite get it for I really had little to say. I was hoping for the person on the other end of the line to say that one thing I needed to hear, though I didn't quite know what it was. And now, this evening, quiet seems to be exactly what I need. Time to myself with just the sound of the wind blowing in my window, fluttering my curtains.

I have accomplished just about everything I need to for the rest of this semester. I should be at least a little satisfied with myself but, oddly, I am not. I feel a bit like a vacant hole that wishes to remain vacant. I feel that the silence is the most comforting things right now.

My terabithian dream didn't happen this summer. They closed my special place this year, quite possibly never to open again, though I refuse to believe it. Thus, I have a new adventure this summer that will hopefully grant me the same feeling my Terabithia has done for the past eleven years.

Lucky,,,

I went to see him after the baby shower.
I suppose, I should tell you I went to a baby shower in the first place. Stories tend to work better if started from the beginning. It was my first baby shower and to be perfectly honest, I went to see camp and to see MarriedMan not for the baby shower. I brought my present and said my good wishes, played some games and found all the excuses possible to leave the building for long stretches of time.
Baby showers, I've discovered, really aren't my thing.
Babies aren't really my thing. Now maybe this will change in time, I'm still twenty-something but I'm not a big baby fan. I love kids just not babies. I'll adopt, thankyouverymuch. I felt bad on ditching out on the shower as much as possible but the atmosphere was crushing me. I needed the wide open air of camp.

Ah, camp. I've missed it so. I can't even describe what it feels like. I feel like my heart beats anew when I come close to that place. I feel my spirit lifted and wonder replacing any aching sorrow that has buried itself in my heart like spring over coming winter in those very woods. Every fiber of my being is tied to that place.

Besides my mind was all a-tumble over Married Man. Married Man is exactly what he is. Married. And I am very... very... taken myself. And yet, if there was going to be a fling, it would more than likely be with him - not that either of us would ever stoop to that. (Don't tell M! hehehe) Come on now, don't look at me like that, I am not a homewrecker.

He took me around camp on the four-wheeler. Showing me what parts of camp had been wrecked by the loggers coming through the woods I hold so dear, mourning with me over the loss he knew I felt. Pointed out all the things he had saved and fixed, and the things he was still going to do.
My mind was full of discontent thoughts about him, me, my life, M, and what I really wanted. I was hurting for I felt my insides were turning inside out. But the long drive back with my best friend helped me untangle the mess a bit and going home to M was the cure for the rest.

I really am a very lucky girl.

Winter Wonderland

I know, I know. I promised to write but suddenly our room has become the new cool place to party and I'm hardly finding enough time to sleep without interuption let alone write. But luckily class has been cancelled today and all our visitors are still asleep on the floor. At about 2 last night, after trying to fall asleep to the not-so-subtle background noise of screams of frustration, and cocky boasting, all brought on by mario kart which is situated within ten feet of where my head was snuggled on my bed, I finally complained and kicked them out of the room. Oh the joys of communal living.

Oh and then, I got a very cheery call from someone from Ambassadors at 8am this morning telling me that though classes had been cancelled and there was still ice everywhere I still had to give a tour of the campus and oh-by-the-way it been moved up four hours. Damn. I was not pleased. But I got up anyway and climbed over our guests to get to my closet for some clothes and went to breakfast.

I live a wonderful life.

Blissfully Boring

So no big revelations or heavy issues weighing down my heart this day. I've moved back to school and haven't looked back. I'm really comfortable here. There are things to keep me busy and breaks just long enough that I can actually relax and not feel like a total bum. Classes don't start until tomorrow but today was busy enough with the start of the Job Hunt; getting and filling out applications that I hate, then returning said applications to important people and flash an innocent smile that hopefully convinces them that I'm a good choice to hire.

I'm a hard worker. It doesn't even matter whether I like what I'm doing or not. I'm a work-a-holic so as long as I'm working, I'm in bliss. So hopefully someone will take pity on me and let me work myself to death.

I just want a job. I want a boss that I can respect. I want responsibilities. I want to be able to pay my bills with money I made. It's all part of that independance thing.

Roomate's Boy pestered me all night last night so I had to set him straight with a deck of cards. He's been pouting all day. Calling for a rematch that I'm going to win. Luck, my foot.

I'll be writing more over the next few months less class or natural disaster interfere...Or the campus network crashes for the umpteenth time (ah life of communal living!).
Nothing eloquent or special here today.
Just living and loving life.
My life.