What's a girl got to do to get some action?

It wasn't what I had hoped.
It was a back rub.
Just a back rub.
But nothing I had been craving.
He had been putting it off so long I had thought there would be more to it.
I guess that's what they mean when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Fantasies and dreams take flight while waiting anxiously for the prize to come.
It was nice. I guess beggars can't be choosers.
But I had hoped it would lead to something a little more.
I mean, come on, isn't that what guys are supposed to think back rubs are for?
But no, of course not. Not this time, not the next time either probably.
What's a girl got to do to be seduced?

Tomorrow.

Image by margolove via Flickr

I've been thinking, dreaming, craving it for weeks now.
He promised me a massage.
His hands kneading the muscles loose from the cramped little knots that have been building for months. Fingers carassing my skin sending goosebumps out to my fingertips. His lips following, kissing up my neck to my hairline making me shiver.
Sigh.

Because it was Monday.

Image by paparutzi via Flickr

He bought me flowers.
For absolutely no reason.
Because it was Monday, he said.

Silly boy.
He bought me roses.
Twelves blood red roses and babies breath tucked away in its plastic wrapper.
He had been stuck at work and I had felt bad that he was going to be so tired when he did get home. And he stopped on the way home to get me flowers.
Sweet boy.

broken...

If I was honest with myself about how I felt about that place. I had fallen in love with the people and the land again. I felt a place where I could always belong again. I thought maybe, just maybe, I had found my Terabithia again. At least a close second.
And then that place turned its back on me. Threw me out to the wolves and broke my heart, shattered my confidence, and maybe even my dreams. It hurts to think about it now. I can't even look at pictures without feeling the ache in my chest where I thought I had found that feeling again.
I don't like it but I needed that place. I thought it could be a constant. That maybe, just maybe, I could settle there for a while. More than just a summer at a time. No more dreaming of the next time. I could be respected and treasured for who I was. I could be trusted to get the work done and be content.
Now all that has soured into feeling of grief, sorrow, and anger just wallowing in the base of my being. I'm afraid to try that hard again. I'm afraid to be rejected that hard right when I thought things were just turning around.
My dreams crushed for a second time. Why do I give people this power over me? Why do I lie myself on the block for them, torture myself for them? It's just a job. Isn't it?
I don't know that my dreams will ever be a job for me. It's just too bad that the job won't let me have my dreams anymore.
That place wrung me dry.

Being the hero

I know, I know... I haven't written in ages. forgive me.

I was talking to a coworker about books. I always get a little weird about the kind of books I read. I read fantasy. But there are tons of people that judge me just because of the book I read so I usually don't say much. I just shrug with tiny smile and gloss over the book with a generalistic name (witch book, werewolf book, whatever).

And as always, I always think of more to say after the conversation is over...

I love books with female heroines.
(I guess that's kind of a double negative-ish thingy since a heroine is already always female... (kind of like square is always a rectangle but a rectangle isn't always a square) )
...protagonist, then.
(ooo now I feel all smart and stuff pulling out a big five dollar word. anywho...)
It such an ego boost for me. Especially lately with my confidence so bruised in reality. I like the escape when I get to be the one saving the day no matter how awkwardly. (actually the more awkward the better, makes it seem believable that I could actually be the character). No one's perfect, heroines shouldn't be either. That's why all the great heros always had a fatal flaw (HELLO... acheilles heel, anyone?) . It makes for good drama.
And everyone knows a story without drama is... well... not a story. It's boring.

There's just something completely empowering in seriously kicking someone's ass and being able to strap on a set of sexy four inch heels all in one day and making the guy's mouth water just a little.

I like being the superhero instead of the damsel in distress.

Go for broke: Ramen

With my involuntary career change I'm going to have to make some cut backs. Things really haven't changed much from college. I'm still broke. Only this time, I have bills. Truck payment, school loans, etc.

And while there are something I don't plan to ever scrimp on, like toilet paper or ice cream (priorities people!), somethings can't be helped. Like food.

Luckily there are some super cheap meals in boxes (or bags, in my case, out there) like Ramen.

No Cash? No Problem. Caution!

Yum.

Chicken Ramen is the way to go. It's tasty and cheap. I've seen it as low as 2 cents (that's right, don't adjust your television sets, I said two pennies!) a package at walmart. (Ok, so that may have been five years ago, but still... times haven't changed THAT much.) and I know people who have lived nearly exclusively on it (with a bottle of vitamins).

And if you get tired of chicken, there's always pork or beef too! I think they even have varieties with freeze dried veggies in them now.

Even when I have cash to spare, I think I'll still eat ramen. It's that good.

Mac and cheese is pretty good too. Especially with tuna and peas all mixed up. But at nearly a dollar a box now it's hard to beat the top ramen noodle.

Just looking back.

I love going through and reading old blog entries. Especially since I feel my writing used to actually be good back then. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost my touch. Or maybe I'm just lacking some inspiration. But regardless...
Some fun moments from the past.
Being fabulous

I used to be pretty good at Stealing the boys too. Haven't been accused of that lately. But that may be because I was in the bumfuck of nowhere with no boys to 'steal'.

I guess I just need to remember how to pull myself back out of this dark dank hole I've found myself in by my bootstraps.