Hurt

I just broke up with the person who works so hard to make me happy.

I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it anymore.
It hurt too much to not be able to love you as much as you loved me.

Incidentally Falling

I don't know if you just made my life harder or easier.

Do you really think I'm just going to jump your bones anytime I want to hang out with you?

No. I am going to jump yours because for a super nerd, you're pretty hot with a great rack and I am sure I could do things to you that would make your head spin.

When I start thinking about the whole thing my heart starts to pound and my breath becomes shallow. I feel those little flutters start in my stomach.

There is no way I'm falling in love.

I don't know this guy.

He's just someone I work with.

This is just emotions running away with me.

I'm after that rush of being with someone new.

I can't go diving straight into a relationship after leaving one.

This isn't happening.

I definitely can't date someone I work with.

I'm just fantasizing he has a real interest in me.

I'm just a girl jumping to conclusions...

"It is very often nothing but our own vanity that deceives us. Women fancy admiration means more than it does."

- Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice

I'm just putting emotions in the situation that both don't belong and are probably just a consequence of my imagination.

Grr...

Men are annoying.

That is all.

Seriously?

Does every guy want to see me naked?


I'm a little shocked at the guys coming out of the woodwork suggesting I do nude photos. Old friends from college, guys I work with.
The balls on some of these guys astonishes me.


Holy Crap. I don't know what just happened.

Bastard.

It's my fault. I let it go on for too long.
It was fun for a little while.
Now I'm just mad.

I thought he might actually want to come hang out with me. As a friend, no strings attached. I could be good. He could've just said no. I would've left him alone. I should've left him alone.

lol Could shoulda woulda

Instead it was a text conversation played out over several hours, his flirting and me trying to provoke him out of his hiding place.
With absolutely nothing, in the end.

I don't know who he thinks I am. But I'm not some teenage sex fiend that can't control myself.
Yes I kissed him.
Yes I like him.
But I don't need that.
I need a friend.


Bastard.

Gone are the butterflies

I've been trying this growing up thing.
I'm not really succeeding.
Every time I look in his direction, my knees get a little weak.
"God, he's hot", I mutter to myself. And then thoroughly scold myself for getting distracted again.
"Your only going to get your heart broken," I scold.

I don't even understand where this attraction comes from.
The night I went to see him. I asked him mid kiss...
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you like me?"
He sighed as if disappointed with me and stated a variety of reasons.


I wasn't fishing for compliments. I don't even like compliments...
They make me uncomfortable in the moment. (More on that at a later date)
I didn't get it. I don't get my attraction to him. Or his to me.

I still don't get it.
I don't even know if he still likes me. Ever since I told him that I told M that I kissed him, he's left me be. Maybe to give me space. Maybe because he's not my dirty little secret anymore. I don't know. It frustrates me to no end this not knowing. Maybe it would be easier to get over this feeling, to grow up, if I knew that he'd lost interest.

As it is, I apparently can barely go a week without contacting him in some way shape or form. Fortunately or unfortunately with mine and his current work schedule, we work with each other constantly. We maintain professionalism. Him probably better than I - as much as we ever did anyway. Innuendos abound at the restaurant. I think it's how we stay sane.

I have conversations with him without him there in my head. Trying to work through this. Trying to justify everything I feel. Trying to just get my head on straight and move on. But for whatever reason, I feel like I'm being sucked in.

But at least the butterflies are gone.

I've never been like this. I don't pine.
Ever.

Until him, I guess.

Jerk.
Can't even appreciate it.

Get a life.

I got off work at a decent hour last night. (Reasons notwithstanding) I started to feel a little frisky and wanted to have a little fun and chill out with some friends. Sent out a text once I got home received no answer. Fed the pup. Made some calls.

No ones home.

Everyone's sick.

Some have plans.

No one's available or nearby to hang out with me.

It sucks... I tried to get a little life in my life and no one's around.

Sigh.

Maybe next time.