Lost

I'm still trying to figure out where I am going.

I feel like I just hit my life with a wrecking ball. I'm wondering if this change I made is really what I want. If this is really the direction I wanted to go in.

I look around me and I see the rubble of my relationship at my feet and then I close my eyes and pretend its not there; Plowing through my life with my usual step. Only now I feel a bit numb inside.

I lost myself somewhere. It was my biggest fear since I was a kid. I've lost myself and I didn't know how to get it back. Though the best way I know how is to have myself to myself and pick up the pieces of my identity along the way.

He says he didn't see it coming. But everyone else is being supportive. Everyone else says they've been waiting for this to happen. Everyone else says 'you've got to do what you've got to do'.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm flying blind. I wish someone could just help me get my feet back on solid ground.

Gone are the butterflies

I've been trying this growing up thing.
I'm not really succeeding.
Every time I look in his direction, my knees get a little weak.
"God, he's hot", I mutter to myself. And then thoroughly scold myself for getting distracted again.
"Your only going to get your heart broken," I scold.

I don't even understand where this attraction comes from.
The night I went to see him. I asked him mid kiss...
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you like me?"
He sighed as if disappointed with me and stated a variety of reasons.


I wasn't fishing for compliments. I don't even like compliments...
They make me uncomfortable in the moment. (More on that at a later date)
I didn't get it. I don't get my attraction to him. Or his to me.

I still don't get it.
I don't even know if he still likes me. Ever since I told him that I told M that I kissed him, he's left me be. Maybe to give me space. Maybe because he's not my dirty little secret anymore. I don't know. It frustrates me to no end this not knowing. Maybe it would be easier to get over this feeling, to grow up, if I knew that he'd lost interest.

As it is, I apparently can barely go a week without contacting him in some way shape or form. Fortunately or unfortunately with mine and his current work schedule, we work with each other constantly. We maintain professionalism. Him probably better than I - as much as we ever did anyway. Innuendos abound at the restaurant. I think it's how we stay sane.

I have conversations with him without him there in my head. Trying to work through this. Trying to justify everything I feel. Trying to just get my head on straight and move on. But for whatever reason, I feel like I'm being sucked in.

But at least the butterflies are gone.

I've never been like this. I don't pine.
Ever.

Until him, I guess.

Jerk.
Can't even appreciate it.

Trouble...

I promised myself I would write today about this thing that has been on my mind for the last few weeks since I had the house to myself for an hour or so this morning since M started his new job today and the roommates are scattered to the winds...
But alas, here I am thirty minutes before I have to go to work with nothing accomplished except the sink clean, the toilet plugged (don't get me started), and eating a ham and spaghetti sauce sandwich (not as good as it seems at the get go - hey don't judge, I was attempting to be adventurous.)
The main idea was that I was going to grow up. For no good reason I seem to have my heart set on getting my heart broken. I have this huge thing for Trouble. I just need to get over it. I don't think friends are going to work since we are apparently magnets that can't stay away from each other unless the atmosphere of professionalism is between us. It's trouble.
What can I say? I know trouble when I see it....
And yet...
I can't seem to keep my heart from lunging for it.
Why do girls always find that one guy who is just absolute trouble?

New Job: Week 2

It's getting better. Boss Lady acknowledges my presence a bit more. English Lass and I have become friends. i'm still not ok with the roomate situation at the moment however. I haven't had much time away from her. i need some time alone.

The tears that have been building over the last two weeks finally broke the dam today. I didn't get to ride and that triggered it. It seems a bit childish but it was just everything that was bothering me coming to a head. Luckily the barn was empty and I could just bury my head in the horse's side and sob while Boss Lady and English Lass were showing horses to prosepective buyers. I need a friend outside of work around here but with these hours its not like I have time to get away from the barn or camper to socialize. Even if I had time, I probably wouldn't have the energy.

On the brightside the horses have monday off. Which means I have a day off. Kind of. I still have to feed and such but at least I can relax a bit more.

It is getting better.

I have a our legged friend who follows me around and sleep in my bed with me.

I bought him a ball. He's addicted to the thing.

Moved

I'm all moved in my cozy little one room apartment. It's super tiny but its a space all my own. Tacky covers and all. Now if I could just get internet... I will soon. Hopefully...
Anyway, this is a super short post on my workmates computer since she has internet. and a slightly larger apartment with a real stove. Not that I'm jealous or anything. And I'm not actually. Except for the internet.

Resolved

So I'm spending the rest of my holidays with friends and the boy.

It's a new year soon and hopefully a new party in a new place and job.

In just over a week, I will be pulling out my roots and re potting myself in Georgia.

Because of such I'm breaking the tradition of not making resolutions.

In this new year, I want to...

Eat healthier.

I'm not a wanna be health nut. I still plan on eating ice cream every time I feel like it. I am still of the opinion that I can justify anything. Ice cream does have calcium after all. But I also realise that eating nothing all day except six oranges and half a bag of chips is not all that helpful.

Smile more.

I'm told I have a beautiful smile. Although I'm still doubtful that there is little about it that is all that special except that I tend to pull it out more than most. This past year has been kind of rough for multiple reasons and my smile hasn't been out as often as it use to. There's always a bright side. I believe in the power of a smile and a kind word. I can change the world with just that.

Keep in touch.

I have this horrible habit of letting good friends fall by the wayside. If they don't keep track of me, I don't find the time to keep track of them. The one promise I break the most is the one where I promise to keep in touch. Lost friendships because of lack of effort hurt the most. I'm not going to give up on people anymore.

Love more.

'Nuff Said.

A Big Girl Now

So I've been way behind on keeping this thing up. I'm going to try to be better but you know me... I always promise then end up giving up and starting all anew when I feel the ridiculous urge to write.

I'm a grown up now. I've officially graduated college. I even got that pretty little peice of paper in the mail yesterday to prove it. It's got my name on it and everything. I've been picked up by my collar and thrown out of a comfortable daily schedule of life into the real world when I have to figure out what to actually do with the rest of my life. College degree notwithstanding.

I've even landed a job. In Georgia. I leave in less than a month.

I get my own appartment and everything.

*booty shake*

I'm wearing the big girl panties now.