Lost

I'm still trying to figure out where I am going.

I feel like I just hit my life with a wrecking ball. I'm wondering if this change I made is really what I want. If this is really the direction I wanted to go in.

I look around me and I see the rubble of my relationship at my feet and then I close my eyes and pretend its not there; Plowing through my life with my usual step. Only now I feel a bit numb inside.

I lost myself somewhere. It was my biggest fear since I was a kid. I've lost myself and I didn't know how to get it back. Though the best way I know how is to have myself to myself and pick up the pieces of my identity along the way.

He says he didn't see it coming. But everyone else is being supportive. Everyone else says they've been waiting for this to happen. Everyone else says 'you've got to do what you've got to do'.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm flying blind. I wish someone could just help me get my feet back on solid ground.

Incidentally Falling

I don't know if you just made my life harder or easier.

Do you really think I'm just going to jump your bones anytime I want to hang out with you?

No. I am going to jump yours because for a super nerd, you're pretty hot with a great rack and I am sure I could do things to you that would make your head spin.

When I start thinking about the whole thing my heart starts to pound and my breath becomes shallow. I feel those little flutters start in my stomach.

There is no way I'm falling in love.

I don't know this guy.

He's just someone I work with.

This is just emotions running away with me.

I'm after that rush of being with someone new.

I can't go diving straight into a relationship after leaving one.

This isn't happening.

I definitely can't date someone I work with.

I'm just fantasizing he has a real interest in me.

I'm just a girl jumping to conclusions...

"It is very often nothing but our own vanity that deceives us. Women fancy admiration means more than it does."

- Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice

I'm just putting emotions in the situation that both don't belong and are probably just a consequence of my imagination.

Sleepless thoughts

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just wouldn't shut off. I keep going back and forth over stuff that really doesn't concern me. Instead I distracted myself with M. But now I have to go to work and work an exceptionally long shift on just over four hours of sleep. Someone save me.

I need to get over this hump and get back to being me.

Wishing it was simpler

So many changes...

They are all so little but it's just that extra little bit of stress that seems to cave me in.

I've been absolutely drained for the last three or fours days now and no matter when I go to bed I can't seem to catch up on any rest.

I start teaching riding lessons this next week. I'm super happy to be back in a place where I can work with horses again. The work is so obvious. So plain. There's no drama with horses. They just are. Horses don't lie. It makes life simpler.

Simple is welcome right now since I had to go and make life complicated.

I'm still trying to get my head on straight about all that. It's dragging me down pretty hard core at the moment. I'll try to be less vague in another post... I just can't seem to put what's in my heart or head down on paper yet.

And now I've chosen to be a trainer at work. It's hard. I mean, it's not that hard but it's uncomfortable for sure. I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself in restaurant; let alone someone else too - and doing everything (and I mean everything) up to standards (even the stupid ones).

So here I am just wishing it was all simpler.

Wilted

I feel wilted.

Yesterday, I woke up ready to hold my head high and tell my asshole of a boss that he could not ever treat me the way he treated me again.
And I almost got myself fired.

I woke up early. I turned my Ipod on to the kick ass play list I made the night before. I straightened my hair. I put on makeup. I put on just enough jewelry for luck. I made sure my outfit was perfect. I did everthing except wear my man-eater heels.
I can't work in those. Not in the barn.
I worked my ass off all morning before the meeting. I tried to do everything exactly as I had been told. Show that I knew what to do(now), and I could do it right.

All for nothing.

No one backed me up.
No one told even told me that he was in the wrong.

It was all my fault he blew up at me, they told me.
I should have been following directions, they said.
He's still new. He's still learning how to communicate, they told me.

All my fault.
I would have been following directions, had I known what they were.
How come he gets a free ride for verbally abusing me
and I get threatened with getting fired?
Fine, I told them.
I will do what I am told exactly how I'm told.
I will be polite.

But, I turned to him.
I will not respect you unless you earn it back.
I left my last job for being verbally abused
and I will not tolerate it from you.
I leveled my eyes at him, burning on the inside.
You should have been reprimanded at the very least for treating me like shit.
I will not ever give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.

asshole.

(I did not actually call him an asshole, even though I was screaming every pofanity I could think of in my head. I would not stoop to his level.)

And then I was almost immediately fired on the spot.
All my extra things I had been doing to help people out were taken away from me. I was given a list of duties and I am not allowed to deviate from them. No matter how idiotic they are.

and some of them are... they really are.

Fine.

I woke up this morning angrier than I have been in a long time.
I can't even change things.
I was made into a liar and no one will listen to me.

And I didn't even get an appology.
asshole.

I thought I had friends.
I, apparently, was mistaken on all accounts.

...

Well, I was.
Now, I'm one step away from getting fired.

Feet to the Fire

There's a meeting at work in a couple of days.
I'm dreading it.
There's been drama and this meeting is supposed to clear up everything.
It makes me nervous.
You know the feeling you get when someone important says 'Hey, we need to talk'. It's almost never good. This feels like that.
It's going to be one of those meetings where everyone gets to have their chance to talk without interruption. Good right? yeah... I hope so. I always have bad feelings about these meetings. Bad memories maybe? They always seem to cause more problems than they help. At least that's been the case in my memory.
This feels especially complicated since this meeting is with my boss and the managers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to end up in tears. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in front of the person who made me want to cry. I don't like giving them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Bastards.
I like this job. But things haven't been anywhere near smooth in the barn since the old barn manager left and my boss moved up. Especially since he hasn't been doing anything boss like. And this is what this meeting is supposed to address. But it terrifies me. I think part of it is that I know (or at least, think) that most of the tension is my fault. If only I could be just an employee who only does what's asked and then go home.
But I'm not wired like that. I'm wired to be an overachiever. When I work, I work whole-heartedly. I've always said I wouldn't have a job I didn't like. And when I do have a job that I like, I always want to make it better.
I like working. It gives me purpose, I guess.
I've been told I'm a natural leader. I don't know about that. But I do know that I suck at following. I never mean to undercut anyone (unless their being a dumb-ass and as such deserve it). I just have lots of ideas to help things run smoother and I want the approval of those around me. (seriously though, doesn't everybody?)
I don't really have to be right. But I do have to be given good enough reason that I'm wrong. Don't tell me 'no' and not give me a good reason for it.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I can't handle a boss telling me 'no' just because they said so. It's stupid.
I know it's their purogative, being boss and all. But it's dumb.
Why can't I know the reason behind your decision?

This passion I have, I don't even know what it is or where it comes from. But it does get me in a lot of trouble. And that is why I'm slightly terrified of this meeting.
I just wish I could handle it. But I don't know how.
I'm sure all my worrying is over nothing and this meeting is going to be fine. Everything will work out fine.

But I certainly feel like my feet are being put into the fire.

Venting: Week 1 of New Job

I'm not enjoying Florida so much. I'm just not feeling welcome really. It's not that Boss Lady and English Lass aren't nice. They are. I just feel like a neglected dog that gets the occasional hello and pats on the shoulder when they notice I'm there.
Don't mind me. I'm just working my ass off for you. That's all.
They both love to talk. A lot. and it really doesn't matter if anyone is actually listening. But I do listen. And when I say something, it usually gets shot down for like ten minutes when a simple 'no' would do.
I know it's because I'm new and I'm under a lot of stress but I really just want to go home. I want a hug.
I've been fighting tears all day for no good reason. I cant wait until I get paid. Maybe then I'll feel some validation and satifaction. I think I would even be content to be back in Georgia. I miss my own space. This sharing a camper deal isn't nice. Especially since the couch/futon bed I'm in is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever been on. And now I'm expected to fold it up every morning... sigh...
English Lass can't even get to the barn on time ANYTIME. It's so frustrating. So I do most of the work just because I want to be done before five. These ten hour days are going to kill me. I would rather get the work done early all at once and then taking a break the rest of the evening.
...

Heavy

I'm so exhausted from working ten hour days nonstop for the last four days.

I can't wait until my body gets used to this life.

I've reached the point of exhaustion where everything threatens to make me cry. All my limbs feels about ten pounds heavier than they should be. And yet, I can't relax enough to fall asleep when I do get a break. And we're leaving for a show tomorrow.

God save me.

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of the bar.

I'm tired of the drunk boys at the bar that just like to watch me shake my ass.

I'm tired of the drunk boys who want my number and then never use it.

I'm tired of people quitting.

I'm tired of people not following through with their promises.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm just tired.

I want to curl up in someone's arms and fall asleep before they do. I want someone to let me relax for just a minute. I want a hot bath and a back rub. I want someone to care enough to let me need them instead of the other way around for once. I need to cry in someone's presence and be comforted without them succumbing to tears as well.