Catching up, Catching fire

Its been so long.  Life went on with out my documentation of it.  Without me needing to put my feelings out on paper.  Able to express most everything I needed to.  Everything else was just a passing fancy.  Mostly.

I can't believe its been three years since I've posted.  Lets see if I can't catch up.

I'm back with M.  Its better.  Still a battle sometimes, but show me a relationship that isn't, at least once in a while, a battle.  Communication is better.  Sex is more prevalent. I get my space.

I do less hiding.  I do more living.

We bought a bed.  A big bed.

It feels a lot like commitment without the whole ring and married thing.

The married thing.  I'm not sure about all that.  Somedays, I wish it would just happen.  That he would ask, and I'd say 'yes' and we'd live happily ever after...

But then I think, really think, I don't know that I can do that.  I don't know - even now - that this is right.  I do know that its easy.  And comfortable.  And lovely.

But not really, a lot of spice.  I like spice.  Not on my food but in my life.  But with spice, comes drama.

And I hate drama.

Like really...

HATE drama.

Thus my conundrum.

Without spice, comfortable sounds like boring.  Easy sounds lazy.  Lovely sounds more like an insult. Love becomes a four letter word.

Gah.  When did I get so jaded? Hahaha

Empty house

Living with roomates is great. Really, its nice to come home to have some one to talk to. Left overs that you didn't have to cook, and someone to watch the pup.
But sometimes I wish they would all just go away so I can have the house to myself. For the whole day.
Every morning I wake up and peer out the window to see whose cars are still here because sometimes they sleep until five or six in the evening. It's weird. And so the only way I know if they're gone is if their trucks are gone. I beginning to think one never works more than once or twice a week for like two hours at a time. One works all the time managing to have one day off during the week - which also happens to be my only day off, of course. The last one is just recently unemployed but visits enough friends and stuff to be gone at least some of the time unlike the first who is always doing some form of home improvement.
And there always seems to be drama, somehow. Sigh...
So I tend to just hide in my room a lot of the time, emerging usually only when people are asleep or gone. I feel exceptionally like a agoraphobe.

Space out

So much for my writing at least once a month resolution. I missed a month. Oh well, I've been super busy.
I'm finally settled in at my new place. I got a new comforter and sheets to celebrate my new space. It's amazing what having your own space does for your sanity. Even if I've been so busy I really haven't been here more than to sleep and shower.
I guess there are worse problems to have. I don't do well with boredom.
I feel lighter now. But that might be because I had my first day off yesterday in four weeks. You really appreciate not having anything you HAVE to do for once after a couple of weeks of obligation.

I don't know if I'm being fair to everyone in my life right now. But I'm trying to.
I'm being chased by like three guys now. I hear the way to do it is to just not get caught. lol
I go hang out with M once a week which seems to make him happy. And me. I miss him but I'm still not ready to go back. I'm not sure I ever will.
Gentleman from work is super sweet. Apparently he's had his eye on me for a while. I was completely clueless. I thought he came for beers - not to see me. Not sure how to deal with that. But he does brighten my day every time I see him.
Dancer is completely self absorbed - or at least it seemed that way when I let him take me out on Friday to the county fair. I met him out dancing. He is amazing to dance with - I kinda just want to keep him around to dance with me. He's a football coach and plays the part with all this talk of winning me a stuffed animal at the fair. (He never even tried, though) Sounds like all talk, to me. Maybe I'll give him another dance.. err.. chance. lol

Moving out and up?

I've finally moved out.

Now what?

Sexy

I'm feeling exceptionally sexy today.

So much so that I've taken to walking around the house completely nude for the morning hours. I've been sunning myself in the backyard since all the roommates has dissipated to either work or play activities yonder.

I just wish there was someone I could flirt with now without complicated consequences.

Instinct

I've taken my mind out of the equation. I'm running on instinct.

I doubt its a good thing. But it is keeping me sane.

I'm moving out in week or so. Life is flying by me at a record pace. I'm just trying to keep up with it.

So many lessons. So many hours of work. I can barely keep up.

Barely succeeding.

Instinct.

Lost

I'm still trying to figure out where I am going.

I feel like I just hit my life with a wrecking ball. I'm wondering if this change I made is really what I want. If this is really the direction I wanted to go in.

I look around me and I see the rubble of my relationship at my feet and then I close my eyes and pretend its not there; Plowing through my life with my usual step. Only now I feel a bit numb inside.

I lost myself somewhere. It was my biggest fear since I was a kid. I've lost myself and I didn't know how to get it back. Though the best way I know how is to have myself to myself and pick up the pieces of my identity along the way.

He says he didn't see it coming. But everyone else is being supportive. Everyone else says they've been waiting for this to happen. Everyone else says 'you've got to do what you've got to do'.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm flying blind. I wish someone could just help me get my feet back on solid ground.