Catching up, Catching fire

Its been so long.  Life went on with out my documentation of it.  Without me needing to put my feelings out on paper.  Able to express most everything I needed to.  Everything else was just a passing fancy.  Mostly.

I can't believe its been three years since I've posted.  Lets see if I can't catch up.

I'm back with M.  Its better.  Still a battle sometimes, but show me a relationship that isn't, at least once in a while, a battle.  Communication is better.  Sex is more prevalent. I get my space.

I do less hiding.  I do more living.

We bought a bed.  A big bed.

It feels a lot like commitment without the whole ring and married thing.

The married thing.  I'm not sure about all that.  Somedays, I wish it would just happen.  That he would ask, and I'd say 'yes' and we'd live happily ever after...

But then I think, really think, I don't know that I can do that.  I don't know - even now - that this is right.  I do know that its easy.  And comfortable.  And lovely.

But not really, a lot of spice.  I like spice.  Not on my food but in my life.  But with spice, comes drama.

And I hate drama.

Like really...

HATE drama.

Thus my conundrum.

Without spice, comfortable sounds like boring.  Easy sounds lazy.  Lovely sounds more like an insult. Love becomes a four letter word.

Gah.  When did I get so jaded? Hahaha

Lost

I'm still trying to figure out where I am going.

I feel like I just hit my life with a wrecking ball. I'm wondering if this change I made is really what I want. If this is really the direction I wanted to go in.

I look around me and I see the rubble of my relationship at my feet and then I close my eyes and pretend its not there; Plowing through my life with my usual step. Only now I feel a bit numb inside.

I lost myself somewhere. It was my biggest fear since I was a kid. I've lost myself and I didn't know how to get it back. Though the best way I know how is to have myself to myself and pick up the pieces of my identity along the way.

He says he didn't see it coming. But everyone else is being supportive. Everyone else says they've been waiting for this to happen. Everyone else says 'you've got to do what you've got to do'.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm flying blind. I wish someone could just help me get my feet back on solid ground.

Complicated

Sweet Infatuation by ahemjez

I get a big goofy grin anytime I think about our time together. He makes me smile and he's not even around. My breath catches when he touches me. I can't make my mouth say anything even resembling intelligence. My heart starts to pound when he watches me for too long. I can feel it in my ears. I get a pang of jealousy when I see him flirt with someone else. I never get jealous.

Worst of all...

He's not the boy.

Life just got terribly complicated.

Setbacks to writing

I'm definitely sensing a small problem with my blogging more. Firstly, I'm freaking cold. I could write in the living room where its warmer but then I always feel like someone's looking over my shoulder. So alas, I'm suffering with frozen fingers and draped with layers of clothes. Maybe I should try gloves...
Another is my life isn't all that interesting currently. Just a lot of work mostly.
A peer into my day would show

• Time with my dog.
• Time with the TV/computer.
• Time at work.
• Occasional drama with M.

Though the drama is my own doing. My craziness that makes me female. I hate it.
I wish I could go back to being a good kid with a good head on my shoulders. Life was simpler.
Anyway... I still have a story or two up my sleeve. I just have to get them out of my head and arranged satisfactorily on paper. I think that writing even simple stuff like this will help get me get back in the groove.
It's not like when I was in school and was writing something every day for class. Because I'm not being made to write, I've kind of gotten out of the habit. And so I'm attempting to remedy that.
And here I am...
...rambling. lol

Dreams are funny

Dreams are Dreams by ~olushia-loosiczka

I've been having so delightfully intriguing dreams the last couple days. They are strange but not unsettling. Not the kind where when you wake up you are off your game for the rest of the day.

Instead, the kind that almost uplifts you and makes you smile.

This morning's dream was so vivid and long. My parents backyard was massive suddenly and they had various empty flower box things everywhere. My best friend and I decided to do a little bit of gardening so we went outside discovering.

A few were full with various vegetables that were a bit scraggly. And one particular had what I thought were those live forever plants that my mom's side of the family adores. But they turned out to be hermit crab type animals with plants as tops instead of shells that grabbed your finger and scared the living daylights out of me. We moved those into a different box and planted wildflowers where they were.

Nothing really grew in the dream yet but we had high hopes for a beautiful garden after some rain and time. We discovered an old hand pump that had more of a foot lever in a shallow pit next to our garden. I fell through the thin plywood cover on the lever and started flooding the shallow pit that my best friend was standing in. With a tiny bit of panic during and giggles after, she jumped out somewhat more damp after. We covered the pressure lever back up so we wouldn't unintentionally trigger a flood somewhere in the yard.

After finishing our part in the new garden we discovered an underground house. It was huge and newly finished. Inside there was a bunch of game rooms, with a bowling ally and basketball court amongst the others. It super cool. My parents came down to play with us and enjoy the new hideout.

I don't remember everything else that happened. The last scene in the dream ended with me looking at the garden with fondness, even the hermit crab buggers, and hoping for progress and lots of color. I knew some of the seeds wouldn't take root because in some of the boxes we hadn't removed the gravel that laid above the soft dirt, just mixed the seeds in. But those that were strong enough would put root down anyway. I knew this and felt peace anyway.

I woke up to my dog jingling her collar feeling peaceful and rested and happy to greet the day. I almost hope I actually had that garden.

What qualifies as depression?

Image by Yuliya Libkina via Flickr

Do you have to think about killing yourself to be depressed? I've looked at a lot of self questionnaires in the last few months since I really haven't been feeling myself. I don't think about death. Or if I do it's rare and even then it's about what people would think about me when I died. Nothing in there about killing myself.
I cry more than I used to. I lack the drive to get anything done. My appetite changes on a daily basis... but then it always has. I'm cursed(blessed with a fast metabolism. It happens.
Just look at this blog. I've neglected it for months at a time this time. Not because I have been busy as I may have professed but because I felt I had nothing to write about. Nothing has pierced this fog I feel like I've been in.
You may say 'See a doctor'. But I'm broke with no health insurance. So that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm trying to get my back fixed first... and my teeth. And pay off the credit card from my root canal from almost a year ago when I got fired.
A friend suggested SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because when winter goes away I seem to be better. That probably is the case, actually. I'll find out this summer, I guess. Hopefully everything will be back to normal.
The boy hates to see me sad.
I hate to see me sad.

Trading bridges for those million parachutes

I had big plans for my day off today.

Then I saw something shiny and my productive day went downhill from there.
But at least, it was a good day off.

As I've mentioned, I've been feeling very homesick. Things haven't been going as smoothly as I would like at work. I seem to always be doing something wrong and getting in trouble, being made to cry. But you all have heard me vent enough, here, lately so I won't continue now.

In any case, a song came on my ipod while I was driving to town.
A Million Parchutes by Sixpence None the Richer. She seems to be in the very place I want very much to be in. And I seem to be exactly where she wants to be.

Like a million parachutes
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission

[Chorus]
I miss the warmth
And I miss the sun
I miss the ocean
I miss everyone
And I miss the bridges
That span across the bay
Tonight, it seems like ages ago

Like a million parachutes
the snow still falls
The dogs are asleep now
There's no one to call
I'll put on some records
And wait for the light
Under those million parachutes
Now a blanket of white.

I wonder if when I go back home, I will miss this place.
Will I miss the warmth?
Will I miss the sun?
Will I miss everyone?

It is beautiful where I am. The sun is shining, the weather's warm.
The ocean is so close and the sight leaves me speechless and peaceful with each visit.

But I miss everyone. I miss having friends to fall back on. I miss having a shoulder to cry on.
It does seem like ages ago I had that luxury.

I want to be better

I want to grow up.
I want to be the more mature person. The bigger person.
I do.
I really, really do.

But I'm not. I'm only 24. I've still got a lot of learning to do.

Today at lunch, I was talking to the last coworker I have who still tries to make me smile, Mo. We were talking about another job I had been moonlighting at. Bartending.
My boss at the bar is kind of a nitpick. All the bottles in the cooler have to be lined up just right, everything has to be kept spotless and just so... Basically, he likes things a certain way and he has good reasons for what he asks people to do. I get that. I can do that. It's easy. Do it his way and everything's cool.

Did I just say that? Like out loud?

Am I really that dense?
How is that boss any different really than Stuck-in-his-ways Cowboy (I've just decided to call him)? He just wants things done his way.

Sure, they seem pointless.
A lot of them are time wasters, maybe.
But in all reality, work doesn't take that long anyway. At least when there aren't guests around.
And he is my boss.

No, he shouldn't has cussed me up and down the Mississippi River.
No, he shouldn't have called me names. Perhaps I have been a tiny bit childish.

But then, I should be better with authority.
I don't know where my problem with authority comes from. Even my parents when I was young made me look up the word 'condescending' in the dictionary so I would know how I was talking to them.

If I knew what my problem was, I could maybe fix it. But I don't, so I'm stuck.
Maybe it's the fact that I pride myself on being independent and work hard to stay that way. I don't know.
Anyone out there in blog world know what I'm talking about here?


I hate realizing I've been wrong this whole damn time.
When is it my turn to say 'I told you so.'?

What happened to the person I wanted to be?

I've always felt that I could make myself be who I want to be simply by force of will. Simply by wanting it.

I want to be confident so I act confident and tell that little voice in my head to politely shut-the-hell-up. And it works.

Kind of.

I come across as more outgoing, more confident. My friends tell me they wish they could be like that. What they don't know is that it really is all just an act. It's just fake it til you make, baby.

I don't feel more confident. I'm still a self conscious little ball of scared timidity just like everyone else. Is it this way for everyone? Are people who seem confident just acting?

So this has been my life up to now. I've been deciding how I want people to see me and acting that out as I best see fit. When I was a kid, I used to always wonder what people would say about me when I was dead. Would anyone cry? Would anyone even come to my funeral? And if they did, would they because they wanted to or because they thought they had to? Apparently, I was a morbid child...

Reguardless... all this nonesense I seem to be spouting leads me to nothing. I do seem to be rambling.

Sorry. Let me start again.

The point is that while driving the utterly straight highway I was thinking that somehow I've changed without ever realizing it. And I'm still not the person I want to be. If anything, I feel like I've gone backwards. I passed a person on the highway and just stared at him as I drove passed. When I got back oaver in the right lane, I saw him wave at me in my rearview mirror. A couple of years ago, as I passed, I would smile really big and wave to see if I could brighten their day. And I did it to everyone. It totally made my day to have a trucker honk their horn and flash their lights at me after I waved. (Ok... so I like the attention... it's not like I flashed them or anything...seriously, I didn't.) But now, I've become one of those people who is so selfabsorbed in my own life, my own problems, that it doesn't even occur to me to try to smile at a stranger anymore.

When did I become that person?

One of my resolutions was to smile more. I must have seen it coming to make that a resolution. But somehow, it still slipped past me. How did I get so grumpy? I can't even pull myself up to act it anymore. I'll think about trying to smile at a passing driver but they pass before I ever work up the energy to pull up the corners of my mouth.

What happened to the person I wanted to be? Why is she not here yet?

and worse yet...

Why did I give up on trying to keep being her?

Resolved

So I'm spending the rest of my holidays with friends and the boy.

It's a new year soon and hopefully a new party in a new place and job.

In just over a week, I will be pulling out my roots and re potting myself in Georgia.

Because of such I'm breaking the tradition of not making resolutions.

In this new year, I want to...

Eat healthier.

I'm not a wanna be health nut. I still plan on eating ice cream every time I feel like it. I am still of the opinion that I can justify anything. Ice cream does have calcium after all. But I also realise that eating nothing all day except six oranges and half a bag of chips is not all that helpful.

Smile more.

I'm told I have a beautiful smile. Although I'm still doubtful that there is little about it that is all that special except that I tend to pull it out more than most. This past year has been kind of rough for multiple reasons and my smile hasn't been out as often as it use to. There's always a bright side. I believe in the power of a smile and a kind word. I can change the world with just that.

Keep in touch.

I have this horrible habit of letting good friends fall by the wayside. If they don't keep track of me, I don't find the time to keep track of them. The one promise I break the most is the one where I promise to keep in touch. Lost friendships because of lack of effort hurt the most. I'm not going to give up on people anymore.

Love more.

'Nuff Said.

Mistake?

It was just a kiss.

That's what I told him. It didn't mean anything.

But when does a kiss really mean nothing?

Never.

This kiss was about a missed opportunity. A crush that never quite made it through.

It was a promise that maybe someday.

It was a lie that I never wanted anything more.

The first was a gift.

The second...

well that one was a wish.

Being Female

Girls are spectacular creatures. I should know, I am one.

I've tried denying it for a long time. And I still do from time to time. I've always resisted all those qualities in women that drive me up the wall.

But...

I don't know. I rather feel like embracing it all. It seems like that is the only way I can be satisfied with myself. Why am I fighting what I am? I can manage those things I view as faults.

It's ok to cry, sometimes.