I'm in trouble at work
again.
I screwed up. But not this time. I wasn't giving any attitude. I was just trying to do my job. I was trying to do what I was told. But I still somehow got it wrong.
My ideas are stupid. He doesn't want to hear them anymore. He doesn't want to hear any more of my fucking ideas.
I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't want to draw attention to the hurt I felt.
I was crying. I couldn't help it.
And that just pissed him off even more.
He called me a baby. A fucking baby. He cussed me up and down.
Didn't I want to learn? He was trying to teach me something and I wasn't even listening.

I did want to learn. I was listening. I just couldn't look at him and maintain any semblance of composure.

He cussed me again and told me he couldn't fucking stand to look at me. 'Go to the house.'

Why was he cussing at me? I was trying to do what he told me. He just didn't tell me exactly how he wanted me to do it. And I got in trouble for not doing it exactly the way he wanted it done.

I know I'm not making much sense. But somehow I'm feeling like my world is toppling around me. Is it me? I'm starting to think it is. Am I that hard to work with? What about me makes bosses scream and cuss at me? Will I ever find a job again that I can be appreciated and not torn down?
He threatened to fire me.
What should I do?

What happened?

I did something stupid at work. It was a small thing but it could have been a very big thing. The girl I was putting on her horse yesterday didn't have a helmet. I didn't even notice. I mean, eventually, her sister said something, and I got her down and had them get their helmets.
I feel really really dumb. Like I feel like I should get fired. I feel like I've done so many things wrong lately that I don't even want to show my face. I want to hide my head under a pillow and let the world forget about me for a little while.
I want to quit. Because that would be easier.
I'm not sure when that even became an option for me. Quitting was never an option for me. Ever.
Until recently. What's up with me? When did my confidence leave me?
Why did it leave me?
I want to be the strong girl I used to be. I want to be the girl that could face the music when she screwed up. I want to be the girl that could look people in the eye.

Feet to the Fire

There's a meeting at work in a couple of days.
I'm dreading it.
There's been drama and this meeting is supposed to clear up everything.
It makes me nervous.
You know the feeling you get when someone important says 'Hey, we need to talk'. It's almost never good. This feels like that.
It's going to be one of those meetings where everyone gets to have their chance to talk without interruption. Good right? yeah... I hope so. I always have bad feelings about these meetings. Bad memories maybe? They always seem to cause more problems than they help. At least that's been the case in my memory.
This feels especially complicated since this meeting is with my boss and the managers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to end up in tears. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in front of the person who made me want to cry. I don't like giving them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Bastards.
I like this job. But things haven't been anywhere near smooth in the barn since the old barn manager left and my boss moved up. Especially since he hasn't been doing anything boss like. And this is what this meeting is supposed to address. But it terrifies me. I think part of it is that I know (or at least, think) that most of the tension is my fault. If only I could be just an employee who only does what's asked and then go home.
But I'm not wired like that. I'm wired to be an overachiever. When I work, I work whole-heartedly. I've always said I wouldn't have a job I didn't like. And when I do have a job that I like, I always want to make it better.
I like working. It gives me purpose, I guess.
I've been told I'm a natural leader. I don't know about that. But I do know that I suck at following. I never mean to undercut anyone (unless their being a dumb-ass and as such deserve it). I just have lots of ideas to help things run smoother and I want the approval of those around me. (seriously though, doesn't everybody?)
I don't really have to be right. But I do have to be given good enough reason that I'm wrong. Don't tell me 'no' and not give me a good reason for it.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I can't handle a boss telling me 'no' just because they said so. It's stupid.
I know it's their purogative, being boss and all. But it's dumb.
Why can't I know the reason behind your decision?

This passion I have, I don't even know what it is or where it comes from. But it does get me in a lot of trouble. And that is why I'm slightly terrified of this meeting.
I just wish I could handle it. But I don't know how.
I'm sure all my worrying is over nothing and this meeting is going to be fine. Everything will work out fine.

But I certainly feel like my feet are being put into the fire.

Monikers?

So I've always been horrible about coming up with monikers or whatever you call them but I've decided on a couple after watching Smokey and the Bandit.
Yup, that's right. I said it. Smokey and the Bandit.
What is that? The epitome of hilbilly/redneck stunts? Hell yes. Do I actually know people like that in real life? Hell yes!
So...
Drum roll please...
Bandit is a show off and crazy just like his namesake. Come on, going into the college pond in a laundry basket..sledding?!?! Drives like him too. And chases after the girls too...
Snowman is really pretty intuitive but just as crazy as his friend. This boy has made me face more things about myself than I ever wanted to.

I need to come up with some more. Especially for the number one man in this blog. 'M' does not do justice to everything he does to me. And then there's the friends that will appear from time to time if I ever actually can get myself to write even semi regularly. Stay with me folks, I need all the support I can get.

Maybe...

"Fear thinks that I need to do something in order to make someone like me."

-The Quest for T

Maybe I need to just be. Maybe I need to just be me. I can't make people like me. I probably can't even help them to like me, because then it won't be me. It'll be someone I've made myself become for them. And what's the good in that. How is someone going to know me, if I don't let myself be known.
God help me maybe I can.

Where's my friend?

I'm so far away from everyone out here. Everyone who knows me, isn't here. I need someone I don't have to explain myself to but will listen when I need to explain myself anyway. I never thought it would be so hard.
I feel so socially inept. It's not that I have a hard time making friends. I'm likable (apparently). And yet, I feel nothing but awkward around people. I over-analyze. I'm super paranoid about annoying someone, about doing something that will make someone not like me. And I don't know why. It's so bad that I start to freeze up. I don't know what to do. And so, though I've made a connection - I can't keep it. It's like I'm cock-blocking myself (you know, if I had one.. or if I was talking about sex).
I made a friend. A good friend. It's a work friendship but he's cool. But now, I come back and I can't even talk to him. He's always with the new manager.
...and I'm jealous.
They have all these jokes. I'm not in on anything. I feel like a third wheel. I feel...
Replaced.
I know I'm overreacting. I know it's nothing. But he's my friend... my only friend out here within three hours. No one else hangs out with me. No one else tries to make me laugh. No one else lets me complain selfishly about my 'boss'.
Gah! Listen to me... I'm whining. What has happened to me? Why can't I be self sufficient? And if that is impossible, why can't I depend on anyone?
I just need a friend.
Where's my friend?

What happened to the person I wanted to be?

I've always felt that I could make myself be who I want to be simply by force of will. Simply by wanting it.

I want to be confident so I act confident and tell that little voice in my head to politely shut-the-hell-up. And it works.

Kind of.

I come across as more outgoing, more confident. My friends tell me they wish they could be like that. What they don't know is that it really is all just an act. It's just fake it til you make, baby.

I don't feel more confident. I'm still a self conscious little ball of scared timidity just like everyone else. Is it this way for everyone? Are people who seem confident just acting?

So this has been my life up to now. I've been deciding how I want people to see me and acting that out as I best see fit. When I was a kid, I used to always wonder what people would say about me when I was dead. Would anyone cry? Would anyone even come to my funeral? And if they did, would they because they wanted to or because they thought they had to? Apparently, I was a morbid child...

Reguardless... all this nonesense I seem to be spouting leads me to nothing. I do seem to be rambling.

Sorry. Let me start again.

The point is that while driving the utterly straight highway I was thinking that somehow I've changed without ever realizing it. And I'm still not the person I want to be. If anything, I feel like I've gone backwards. I passed a person on the highway and just stared at him as I drove passed. When I got back oaver in the right lane, I saw him wave at me in my rearview mirror. A couple of years ago, as I passed, I would smile really big and wave to see if I could brighten their day. And I did it to everyone. It totally made my day to have a trucker honk their horn and flash their lights at me after I waved. (Ok... so I like the attention... it's not like I flashed them or anything...seriously, I didn't.) But now, I've become one of those people who is so selfabsorbed in my own life, my own problems, that it doesn't even occur to me to try to smile at a stranger anymore.

When did I become that person?

One of my resolutions was to smile more. I must have seen it coming to make that a resolution. But somehow, it still slipped past me. How did I get so grumpy? I can't even pull myself up to act it anymore. I'll think about trying to smile at a passing driver but they pass before I ever work up the energy to pull up the corners of my mouth.

What happened to the person I wanted to be? Why is she not here yet?

and worse yet...

Why did I give up on trying to keep being her?