Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Don't Want to be that girl


"So... are you and M gunna get married?"

When he asked that, I just had to smile to myself. Shivers went down my spine and I closed my eyes to think about how I would answer. I don't like explaining my feelings to the boy, let alone this one. I know his thougthts on the matter but mine aren't nearly that clear. It was such a random question and completely out of left field.
"Perhaps."

Of course, I was relieved of explaining my answer since he then perceded to criticism my word choice. He wanted something simple yes, no, maybe so. I thought much to hard about it. But 'maybe' just seems far too inconsequential. We talk - rather, he talks like its inevitable. Me, I just go along with it. I don't know how else to respond. So I chose not to respond at all.
It's not something I've really thought that much about. I've always been much too independant to even consider it all that much.
I don't think it's a fear of commitment, but I don't know how else to label it. I just never felt like a girl to settle down. It sounds nice but I don't know if its for me.
The worst of all is that I don't have anyone to confer with on this thing. I'm afraid that speaking it along with confirm my doubts. That, maybe, I don't really love him, but I'm desparate not to hurt him. He's had enough girl troubles. I don't want to be that girl to break his heart again.

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