My confidence might actually return from its grave

I passed the test with flying colors and received rave reviews from just about every manager I've worked with already. My confidence is slowly climbing out of the thirty foot hole it buried itself in after being beaten down and fired. I even got a high five from Mr. Easy Smile.
Gah. I suck at monikers. Maybe I'll just stick with letters. Like M.
Maybe I'll just leave the cool anonymous monikers to the likes of Vix at OEN.
Oh well.
At least, I'm apparently rocking at certification tests.

Easy Smile

There was a boy. He reminds a lot of M.
I say that like I know him. It could be that he reminds me of him because he's built about the same and his smile seems to shine easier than most.

He stopped as I was taking the quiz carefully looking out over the dining room.
'Need any help with those questions?'
He sent me a sly smile as he readjusted his tab book.
I had reviewed pretty hard core before I had even started on the clock, even getting a chance to look at the answer key so I was fine.
'No, I think I've got it. but thanks... but I come around tomorrow then I could use your help.'
He looked at me then, his smile growing larger.
'Final certification, tomorrow?'
'Yup'
'Aw, it's not too hard, you'll do fine.' Smiling again, he wished me luck and went on his way to the kitchen.

I had to smile. He was too sweet.
Something about him seems to stick with me. Maybe its the resemblance to M but I learned his name first, even before my trainer's name who I met first. Maybe it's just that I love the romance behind almost strangers... remember this?

Burned...

So... I have a new job.
and I'm totally unexcited about it. It's not that I've gotten used to not working in the last two weeks. I just feel like I got burned so bad this last time. I'm wondering if it's worth the effort to give my all for a job again.
I've always been a bit of a work-a-holic. I've always loved my job. If I stopped loving it, I swore I would quit. And I did.
But I worked really hard at this one. Tried to make things better. And got continually put down and hurt for it. Any extra initiative I took was displayed as idiocy and I was yelled at and cut down. So much of me is tied to my job. My work ethic. If I'm told I'm not doing a good enough job, I take it that I am not good enough.
I hurt. This is worse than a bad breakup.
Maybe it's just safer to not love my job. I guess I know why people try not to fall in love with anything. It always hurts.

Frickin' Horse

On Friday, I was putting a little girl up on one of our (previously) best kid horses at work. His name is Max. He's a cremello quarter horse and the quietest gelding in the world. When he had to have surgery last summer, Old Boss had to keep telling the vet techs that he hadn't been sedated yet. After this particular surgery to relieve the tension in a hind leg tendons, Max was laid up for quite a while. He was lunged 5-6 days a week at walk then trot as per the vets instructions until he was finally allowed to be used for pony rides and then back out on the trails.
Since then, he has developed some very naughty habits. He no longer goes out with the herd because we are afraid he will reinjure himself so he stays in one of our larger paddocks. For a while he was by himself, but now he has a friend - another quarter horse who was laid up for a cough for a long time...
He decided in the time he was by himself that he was quite the horse and should be the big boss. So when he went out on the trails he found it very entertaining to trot up to the horse in front of him and biting him in the butt. This is very scary for some children (obviously) so we started making sure he was at least a little tired before putting kids on him. We would guide on him in the morning and then the child could ride him. So he was getting better. We even put some schooling rides on him to get him out of this habit.
So on Friday, I put this little girl on him. She was fearless and had lessons once a week. She could handle any mischief he tried. He tried to trot she would pull him back to a walk and chastise him thoroughly. Gotta love kids like that. I walked around the front of him like I usually do to change her off side stirrup. As I walked past his face, with no warning whatsoever - no pinned ears or grumpy face or anything - he bit me. He grabbed my arm up by the shoulder and bit me. Hard. and then let go looking like nothing unusual had happened.
Bastard.
I was stunned. I stood there for a second as I realized that he had, in fact, just bitten me and what I could do about it with a child on his back. I settled on a smack on the neck but it didn't faze him. But really there was nothing else I could do without risking the girl.
This horse is wonderfully calm. I wish I could know what was going through his brain that prompted him to just bite me like that. Whatever it was, it was not cool.
Luckily he did not break the skin... I was wearing several layers since it was pretty chilly out. But he did leave a pretty good bruise. Which given the way I sleep with my arms up against my chest, I tend to punch and wake myself up in the middle of the night when I roll over. Ouch.
Frickin' horse.

Life, at the moment

So I thought it would be nice if I updated you all on my life lately. I've joined a blogblock-stopper site that's hopefully going to help me keep writing. This of course, only helps if I can get online but I'm working on it. You'll see the posts with the light bulb at the bottom of it, those are my Plinky posts. They're all responses to prompts on the website which are usually in a question form. It's pretty cool.

Work seems to be leveling out. Working at a dude ranch is terribly fun when there are guests and kids running all the time. The only trouble happens it seems is when all the guests are gone and we are all left to bicker amongst ourselves. I swear there will never be a barn in exsistence in which there is no drama. Unless of course there is only one person there. Then, I suppose the only drama that would be there is the trouble between you and your horse.
Horse people are wonderful people but man, we can really be pigheaded most of the time...

Anyway, I did get my puppy. FINALLY! She's wonderful. She's beautiful and adorable.
And so well behaved. No one believes she's really only 4 months old. She doesn't leave my side most of the time, and when she does she usually doesn't leave my sight unless she's curled up asleep in the barn.
I've got her right now on a seven day trial to make sure she gets along with the ranch life, alright but already I think I might have a mutiny on my hands if I tried to give her back. Everyone loves her. The other dogs are a little indifferent but even Cannon has played with her when he thinks no one's watching. I'll post some pictures when I'm not at the ranch with bandwidth to worry about.
As it is, I'm writing this on my lunch hour. I should get back to the barn and finish up work for today. There's no guests so I just have to clean up and turn the horses out to pasture and feed everyone. Exciting. Exciting. :)

I want to be better

I want to grow up.
I want to be the more mature person. The bigger person.
I do.
I really, really do.

But I'm not. I'm only 24. I've still got a lot of learning to do.

Today at lunch, I was talking to the last coworker I have who still tries to make me smile, Mo. We were talking about another job I had been moonlighting at. Bartending.
My boss at the bar is kind of a nitpick. All the bottles in the cooler have to be lined up just right, everything has to be kept spotless and just so... Basically, he likes things a certain way and he has good reasons for what he asks people to do. I get that. I can do that. It's easy. Do it his way and everything's cool.

Did I just say that? Like out loud?

Am I really that dense?
How is that boss any different really than Stuck-in-his-ways Cowboy (I've just decided to call him)? He just wants things done his way.

Sure, they seem pointless.
A lot of them are time wasters, maybe.
But in all reality, work doesn't take that long anyway. At least when there aren't guests around.
And he is my boss.

No, he shouldn't has cussed me up and down the Mississippi River.
No, he shouldn't have called me names. Perhaps I have been a tiny bit childish.

But then, I should be better with authority.
I don't know where my problem with authority comes from. Even my parents when I was young made me look up the word 'condescending' in the dictionary so I would know how I was talking to them.

If I knew what my problem was, I could maybe fix it. But I don't, so I'm stuck.
Maybe it's the fact that I pride myself on being independent and work hard to stay that way. I don't know.
Anyone out there in blog world know what I'm talking about here?


I hate realizing I've been wrong this whole damn time.
When is it my turn to say 'I told you so.'?

Wilted

I feel wilted.

Yesterday, I woke up ready to hold my head high and tell my asshole of a boss that he could not ever treat me the way he treated me again.
And I almost got myself fired.

I woke up early. I turned my Ipod on to the kick ass play list I made the night before. I straightened my hair. I put on makeup. I put on just enough jewelry for luck. I made sure my outfit was perfect. I did everthing except wear my man-eater heels.
I can't work in those. Not in the barn.
I worked my ass off all morning before the meeting. I tried to do everything exactly as I had been told. Show that I knew what to do(now), and I could do it right.

All for nothing.

No one backed me up.
No one told even told me that he was in the wrong.

It was all my fault he blew up at me, they told me.
I should have been following directions, they said.
He's still new. He's still learning how to communicate, they told me.

All my fault.
I would have been following directions, had I known what they were.
How come he gets a free ride for verbally abusing me
and I get threatened with getting fired?
Fine, I told them.
I will do what I am told exactly how I'm told.
I will be polite.

But, I turned to him.
I will not respect you unless you earn it back.
I left my last job for being verbally abused
and I will not tolerate it from you.
I leveled my eyes at him, burning on the inside.
You should have been reprimanded at the very least for treating me like shit.
I will not ever give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.

asshole.

(I did not actually call him an asshole, even though I was screaming every pofanity I could think of in my head. I would not stoop to his level.)

And then I was almost immediately fired on the spot.
All my extra things I had been doing to help people out were taken away from me. I was given a list of duties and I am not allowed to deviate from them. No matter how idiotic they are.

and some of them are... they really are.

Fine.

I woke up this morning angrier than I have been in a long time.
I can't even change things.
I was made into a liar and no one will listen to me.

And I didn't even get an appology.
asshole.

I thought I had friends.
I, apparently, was mistaken on all accounts.

...

Well, I was.
Now, I'm one step away from getting fired.

I am going to kick some serious ass.

Feet to the Fire

There's a meeting at work in a couple of days.
I'm dreading it.
There's been drama and this meeting is supposed to clear up everything.
It makes me nervous.
You know the feeling you get when someone important says 'Hey, we need to talk'. It's almost never good. This feels like that.
It's going to be one of those meetings where everyone gets to have their chance to talk without interruption. Good right? yeah... I hope so. I always have bad feelings about these meetings. Bad memories maybe? They always seem to cause more problems than they help. At least that's been the case in my memory.
This feels especially complicated since this meeting is with my boss and the managers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to end up in tears. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in front of the person who made me want to cry. I don't like giving them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Bastards.
I like this job. But things haven't been anywhere near smooth in the barn since the old barn manager left and my boss moved up. Especially since he hasn't been doing anything boss like. And this is what this meeting is supposed to address. But it terrifies me. I think part of it is that I know (or at least, think) that most of the tension is my fault. If only I could be just an employee who only does what's asked and then go home.
But I'm not wired like that. I'm wired to be an overachiever. When I work, I work whole-heartedly. I've always said I wouldn't have a job I didn't like. And when I do have a job that I like, I always want to make it better.
I like working. It gives me purpose, I guess.
I've been told I'm a natural leader. I don't know about that. But I do know that I suck at following. I never mean to undercut anyone (unless their being a dumb-ass and as such deserve it). I just have lots of ideas to help things run smoother and I want the approval of those around me. (seriously though, doesn't everybody?)
I don't really have to be right. But I do have to be given good enough reason that I'm wrong. Don't tell me 'no' and not give me a good reason for it.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I can't handle a boss telling me 'no' just because they said so. It's stupid.
I know it's their purogative, being boss and all. But it's dumb.
Why can't I know the reason behind your decision?

This passion I have, I don't even know what it is or where it comes from. But it does get me in a lot of trouble. And that is why I'm slightly terrified of this meeting.
I just wish I could handle it. But I don't know how.
I'm sure all my worrying is over nothing and this meeting is going to be fine. Everything will work out fine.

But I certainly feel like my feet are being put into the fire.

New Job: Week 2

It's getting better. Boss Lady acknowledges my presence a bit more. English Lass and I have become friends. i'm still not ok with the roomate situation at the moment however. I haven't had much time away from her. i need some time alone.

The tears that have been building over the last two weeks finally broke the dam today. I didn't get to ride and that triggered it. It seems a bit childish but it was just everything that was bothering me coming to a head. Luckily the barn was empty and I could just bury my head in the horse's side and sob while Boss Lady and English Lass were showing horses to prosepective buyers. I need a friend outside of work around here but with these hours its not like I have time to get away from the barn or camper to socialize. Even if I had time, I probably wouldn't have the energy.

On the brightside the horses have monday off. Which means I have a day off. Kind of. I still have to feed and such but at least I can relax a bit more.

It is getting better.

I have a our legged friend who follows me around and sleep in my bed with me.

I bought him a ball. He's addicted to the thing.

Venting: Week 1 of New Job

I'm not enjoying Florida so much. I'm just not feeling welcome really. It's not that Boss Lady and English Lass aren't nice. They are. I just feel like a neglected dog that gets the occasional hello and pats on the shoulder when they notice I'm there.
Don't mind me. I'm just working my ass off for you. That's all.
They both love to talk. A lot. and it really doesn't matter if anyone is actually listening. But I do listen. And when I say something, it usually gets shot down for like ten minutes when a simple 'no' would do.
I know it's because I'm new and I'm under a lot of stress but I really just want to go home. I want a hug.
I've been fighting tears all day for no good reason. I cant wait until I get paid. Maybe then I'll feel some validation and satifaction. I think I would even be content to be back in Georgia. I miss my own space. This sharing a camper deal isn't nice. Especially since the couch/futon bed I'm in is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever been on. And now I'm expected to fold it up every morning... sigh...
English Lass can't even get to the barn on time ANYTIME. It's so frustrating. So I do most of the work just because I want to be done before five. These ten hour days are going to kill me. I would rather get the work done early all at once and then taking a break the rest of the evening.
...

Heavy

I'm so exhausted from working ten hour days nonstop for the last four days.

I can't wait until my body gets used to this life.

I've reached the point of exhaustion where everything threatens to make me cry. All my limbs feels about ten pounds heavier than they should be. And yet, I can't relax enough to fall asleep when I do get a break. And we're leaving for a show tomorrow.

God save me.

A Big Girl Now

So I've been way behind on keeping this thing up. I'm going to try to be better but you know me... I always promise then end up giving up and starting all anew when I feel the ridiculous urge to write.

I'm a grown up now. I've officially graduated college. I even got that pretty little peice of paper in the mail yesterday to prove it. It's got my name on it and everything. I've been picked up by my collar and thrown out of a comfortable daily schedule of life into the real world when I have to figure out what to actually do with the rest of my life. College degree notwithstanding.

I've even landed a job. In Georgia. I leave in less than a month.

I get my own appartment and everything.

*booty shake*

I'm wearing the big girl panties now.

Trying for another home away from home

I'm away with people I don't know typing away on a keyboard unfamiliar with its stiff keys and uncomfortable sound. It's so different. I miss my terabithia desparately. My only consilation is that it's not gone forever. Or at least so they tell me. My greatest fear is that it is and no one will know the love I found for that place as I do.

As much as I try, this place doesn't hold its arms out waiting for me to once again surround myself by the wind in the trees, the hoofbeats in a dusty corral in the afternoon heat, and the cries of girls I've watched grow from daisy to caddette.

I mourn at its almost loss that I fear will disappear before my eyes.