Loneliness

I wish I had a friend to call.
I'm not one to hate being alone. I love my alone time but sometimes (like tonight) I want a friend who I can call without feeling like I'm a bother. Someone not connected to the boy. Someone who is willing to put for the effort in a friendship. Someone who sees friendship as a two way street.

You have to be a friend to make a friend.


I thought I found one but instead I found a broken heart.
I'm almost ready to give up. This one was my last saving grace.

'You have to be a friend to make one', I told him when he asked why I had come.

'I need a friend,' I said when he asked me why I hang out with him.


I don't think he understood that he was exactly what I needed. Or maybe he did and he just doesn't care.



There are other people.
But with everyone else, talking feels awkward and forced. I don't think I know how to cross the bridge from acquaintance to friend anymore.

I'm trying to grow up.


Growing up is hard.

Trouble...

I promised myself I would write today about this thing that has been on my mind for the last few weeks since I had the house to myself for an hour or so this morning since M started his new job today and the roommates are scattered to the winds...
But alas, here I am thirty minutes before I have to go to work with nothing accomplished except the sink clean, the toilet plugged (don't get me started), and eating a ham and spaghetti sauce sandwich (not as good as it seems at the get go - hey don't judge, I was attempting to be adventurous.)
The main idea was that I was going to grow up. For no good reason I seem to have my heart set on getting my heart broken. I have this huge thing for Trouble. I just need to get over it. I don't think friends are going to work since we are apparently magnets that can't stay away from each other unless the atmosphere of professionalism is between us. It's trouble.
What can I say? I know trouble when I see it....
And yet...
I can't seem to keep my heart from lunging for it.
Why do girls always find that one guy who is just absolute trouble?

Shame shame

Not giving up yet. Just been trying to get my head around somethings before I write them down. And been failing miserably. Instead of actually thinking about them, I really just push them out my mind and make my hands busy.

So shame, shame on me.

Ah well, such is life, right?

Sleepless thoughts

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just wouldn't shut off. I keep going back and forth over stuff that really doesn't concern me. Instead I distracted myself with M. But now I have to go to work and work an exceptionally long shift on just over four hours of sleep. Someone save me.

I need to get over this hump and get back to being me.

Wishing it was simpler

So many changes...

They are all so little but it's just that extra little bit of stress that seems to cave me in.

I've been absolutely drained for the last three or fours days now and no matter when I go to bed I can't seem to catch up on any rest.

I start teaching riding lessons this next week. I'm super happy to be back in a place where I can work with horses again. The work is so obvious. So plain. There's no drama with horses. They just are. Horses don't lie. It makes life simpler.

Simple is welcome right now since I had to go and make life complicated.

I'm still trying to get my head on straight about all that. It's dragging me down pretty hard core at the moment. I'll try to be less vague in another post... I just can't seem to put what's in my heart or head down on paper yet.

And now I've chosen to be a trainer at work. It's hard. I mean, it's not that hard but it's uncomfortable for sure. I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself in restaurant; let alone someone else too - and doing everything (and I mean everything) up to standards (even the stupid ones).

So here I am just wishing it was all simpler.

Complicated

Sweet Infatuation by ahemjez

I get a big goofy grin anytime I think about our time together. He makes me smile and he's not even around. My breath catches when he touches me. I can't make my mouth say anything even resembling intelligence. My heart starts to pound when he watches me for too long. I can feel it in my ears. I get a pang of jealousy when I see him flirt with someone else. I never get jealous.

Worst of all...

He's not the boy.

Life just got terribly complicated.

Self censorship

I talk to myself on a regular basis. Things always sound better in my head than they do coming out of my mouth. Since apparently there is something broken in that connection I have to talk to myself to make sure I don't sound like a complete idiot.
When I leave a conversation, I have to repeat what I've said to myself in sort of an afterthought censorship. Sometimes I even have entire conversations with someone without them even being there.
It's terrible.
I'm pretty crazy.