Monday, January 19, 2009


"Fear thinks that I need to do something in order to make someone like me."

Maybe I need to just be. Maybe I need to just be me. I can't make people like me. I probably can't even help them to like me, because then it won't be me. It'll be someone I've made myself become for them. And what's the good in that. How is someone going to know me, if I don't let myself be known.
God help me maybe I can.

Where's my friend?

I'm so far away from everyone out here. Everyone who knows me, isn't here. I need someone I don't have to explain myself to but will listen when I need to explain myself anyway. I never thought it would be so hard.
I feel so socially inept. It's not that I have a hard time making friends. I'm likable (apparently). And yet, I feel nothing but awkward around people. I over-analyze. I'm super paranoid about annoying someone, about doing something that will make someone not like me. And I don't know why. It's so bad that I start to freeze up. I don't know what to do. And so, though I've made a connection - I can't keep it. It's like I'm cock-blocking myself (you know, if I had one.. or if I was talking about sex).
I made a friend. A good friend. It's a work friendship but he's cool. But now, I come back and I can't even talk to him. He's always with the new manager.
...and I'm jealous.
They have all these jokes. I'm not in on anything. I feel like a third wheel. I feel...
I know I'm overreacting. I know it's nothing. But he's my friend... my only friend out here within three hours. No one else hangs out with me. No one else tries to make me laugh. No one else lets me complain selfishly about my 'boss'.
Gah! Listen to me... I'm whining. What has happened to me? Why can't I be self sufficient? And if that is impossible, why can't I depend on anyone?
I just need a friend.
Where's my friend?

Monday, January 12, 2009

What happened to the person I wanted to be?

I've always felt that I could make myself be who I want to be simply by force of will. Simply by wanting it.

I want to be confident so I act confident and tell that little voice in my head to politely shut-the-hell-up. And it works.

Kind of.

I come across as more outgoing, more confident. My friends tell me they wish they could be like that. What they don't know is that it really is all just an act. It's just fake it til you make, baby.

I don't feel more confident. I'm still a self conscious little ball of scared timidity just like everyone else. Is it this way for everyone? Are people who seem confident just acting?

So this has been my life up to now. I've been deciding how I want people to see me and acting that out as I best see fit. When I was a kid, I used to always wonder what people would say about me when I was dead. Would anyone cry? Would anyone even come to my funeral? And if they did, would they because they wanted to or because they thought they had to? Apparently, I was a morbid child...

Reguardless... all this nonesense I seem to be spouting leads me to nothing. I do seem to be rambling.

Sorry. Let me start again.

The point is that while driving the utterly straight highway I was thinking that somehow I've changed without ever realizing it. And I'm still not the person I want to be. If anything, I feel like I've gone backwards. I passed a person on the highway and just stared at him as I drove passed. When I got back oaver in the right lane, I saw him wave at me in my rearview mirror. A couple of years ago, as I passed, I would smile really big and wave to see if I could brighten their day. And I did it to everyone. It totally made my day to have a trucker honk their horn and flash their lights at me after I waved. (Ok... so I like the attention... it's not like I flashed them or anything...seriously, I didn't.) But now, I've become one of those people who is so selfabsorbed in my own life, my own problems, that it doesn't even occur to me to try to smile at a stranger anymore.

When did I become that person?

One of my resolutions was to smile more. I must have seen it coming to make that a resolution. But somehow, it still slipped past me. How did I get so grumpy? I can't even pull myself up to act it anymore. I'll think about trying to smile at a passing driver but they pass before I ever work up the energy to pull up the corners of my mouth.

What happened to the person I wanted to be? Why is she not here yet?

and worse yet...

Why did I give up on trying to keep being her?

Friday, January 9, 2009

Don't ignore me.

So hopefully I can write honestly here. My mind is always thinking, pondering, wondering of the facts of my world. I know when I talk I sound disjointed. My thoughts never connect just right in my mouth.

And it always.


Sounds better in my head.

But somehow, on paper. It works better. Like my fingers understand better than my mouth does.

At least that's what I keep telling myself so I feel a little less like a dumbass when, once again,, someone laughs at something I say because it came out all wrong.

I like to think I write well. Though sporatically. And when I feel comfortable enough to write honestly that's when it comes out beautifully.

I don't just want to write about my days. I do that enough on my other blog. And there is nothing of value from just a catalog of my doings. My life just isn't that exciting. It just isn't. So I have to go a bit deeper. Dig a little further. Make my words count.

I've always wanted to be the kind of person that doesn't waste words. That when I talk, it means something and people listen. Though sadly, I don't believe that to be the case. I waste words all the time.

I'm easy to ignore.

I've missed the point somehow. My words just blend into that buzz, that white noise of everything no one cares about and is ignored.

What comes out of my mouth isn't deep.

Isn't meaningful.

Isn't even helpful most of the time.

And maybe what my fingers type isn't any better, but I like it.

And isn't that what art is anyway?

I'm not saying I'm exceptional. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels just like this.


I guess what I'm trying to get out is

Don't ignore me. Give me a chance.

I want to make a difference.

I want to change the world.


So in case you're wondering... This blog has moved. (to here...not away from)I've missed having a place to write for myself. I have another blog where I update my family about my goings'-ons but I don't feel free enough to let myself write about what I want. Isn't that always the trouble with blogs. I don't care who reads this. I just don't want to know because that will hinder the whole process I think. It may not. It depends on the person I think. It's been a whole year since I've written as Silver on Unconquered Mountains so there is a lot missing like how I'm no longer in Georgia but in California. Closer to M. Farther away from my prissy ex-boss. Farther away from everything else familiar.

How I got away and so on might come up in another post. Who knows. I failed to make a new years resolution this year due to lots of things I'm not going to bring up now but I'm going to make one now. My new years resolution is to write in here when I feel like it and as often as possible. I need an outlet for some of my emotions. And writing works for me. So this is where I am. But my internet connection where I live leaves something grand to be desired so I can only post when that is available.

No one's real names will be used and you may think I am talking about you it may be possible but like as not I'm not.

But here's the truth. I need all the support I can get to keep this thing afloat. I know part of that is keeping myself writing. It's the only way to get people to read. But let me tell you, it's hard to write without an audience. At least for me.

Also... just to get this out of the way. Some of the pictures I use on this blog are my photos some are not. Those that aren't I've picked up from various sites and at deviantart. As I can I post the original artist but I may not always be successful since I have saved a lot of art on my computer sans names and have long since forgotten where I got them at. So forgive me if I use something I shouldn't and let me know and I will replace it. Consider my blog a work of art, for I am a bit of an artist. It's just, for this particular piece, I chose to use mixed media (think collage).

Wish me luck. I'm trying again.

So here goes nothing.

I submit this for approval to you, my audience.