Thursday, December 21, 2006

Losing Control

I want him.

And I don't just want him sexually. Well there's definately that. But I just want him near me, holding my hand, stroking my shoulder/knee/arm, watching tv, reading, chatting to friends. There's a certain magnetic feeling between us. I desparately don't want to give him up even for a moment. I don't even know if I can put it into words anymore. It's all scrambled in my brain.

I try to maintain a certain decorum and be the queen of coolness. But when it comes to him, there is nothing cool about me. I want to be close to him but when I do get close, its like my body takes on a life of its own. It stops listening to what I try to say. Its a loss of control.

It's terrifying, frustrating, worrisome,

and completely and utterly addicting.


I bought this spectacular little black dress this morning. Spent money when I shouldn't have especially this close to Christmas. Waited in suspense all day long just to it home to prance around since the two minutes appraisal in the dressing room at Penneys.

I really can't afford this...

But it is fabulous.

I really can't be spending this money...

Its black, I would wear it more than once. Every girl should have a little black dress. It's a fashion thing.

It's a little snug...

It's sexy.

It shows my knees. I hate my knees...

Oh get off it, you love it. It is on sale...


This dress is so mine

I don't indulge in being female very often. I actually try to supress the impulse any time it tries to rear its ugly pink, fashion-consious head.

But this really is a fabulous dress. I'm so going to knock them dead.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

One Missed Call

Striped Shirt called me.
Nothing is going to come of this. But it just goes to show that you don't want to mess with me.
Oh and then, I had missed a call from one of the girls at the barn, I attempted to call her back.
"You have reached..."
Gah... voicemail... ok well maybe she'll get it in time.
"the voicemail box of... "
Man's voice says the name. Ok so maybe its her Dad's cell or something that she uses.
Then I register what name was said:
"Striped Shirt"
Crap!!! Disconnect! Disconnect!
He called me back and I about died from laughing while attempting to explain to him the situation without sounding like some nervouslittlemiddleschoolerwhouseslameexcusestocallandthenhangupbeforeanyoneanswers kinda girl.
Cause that's pretty much how I feel like I sounded.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Art of Guy Stealing

I love to dance.
Anyway to anything and with anyone
(...just about...)
definately not with the creepy guy who keep groaning everytime he sees me shake my ass.
That's so not cool.
not hot.
not sexy.
not anything.
When I go out, which is not usually all that often, I go to dance, not to drink.
Drinking just gets me into a groove a little faster. And more confidence to really let loose.
But I definately don't have to drink to have fun.
I feel one of the best things about going to a bar is that you can do just about what ever you want on the dance floor and if someone thinks you look like an idiot they'll probably just chalk it up to the fact that you are more than likely drunk. That's just my philosophy.
I managed to get myself into some mischief last night when we went out. A couple guys from out of town were looking for a good time. They were pretty well drunk by the time we even got to the bar. The girls and I were getting drinks at the bar and just hanging out. As the better songs came on, my boogie came out just a little bit more. I kept getting nudged toward the dance floor, but I wasn't quite ready. Y, my suitemate, had her boy there with us. The new guys were sitting next to her. Somehow they get to talking about wanting to dance She asked them who they wanted to dance with and and They had pointed to me and said "that one" so Y calls me over.
"You (pointing to me) and You(pointing to striped shirt) go dance."
Me: "Well, alright.."
And the song ends as soon as we hit the dance floor. Striped Shirt bows out and we head back to the bar. It's about here where I should introduce the creepy guy with glasses standing behind me who was staring rather obviously at my ass and groaned audibly anytime I dance in the near vicinity. Such a buzz kill. And I was even buzzed. I hadn't had a drink yet.
K bought me a rum and coke and we discussed said creepy guy. I'm trying to save my money. I blew a lot at some random trips to walmart the past couple of days but I digress...
a local boy, Moose, came up and asked me to dance.
Now, here's my philosophy on that. I'll dance with just about anybody who asks me because it takes a pretty big set of cajones to ask any random girl to dance. Except the creepy old guy, nuf said. We don't want to encourage that one.
Throughout the night I danced a lot. A lot with friends, several by myself, a couple with random guys who said they couldn't dance. (I have this thing with people who believe they can't dance, I don't care if they actually can or can't keep a rhythm, the point is to just have some fun.) And several with Striped Shirt. I made him salsa dance with me because I didn't know of anyone else who would since Roomate wasn't out with us. Apparently, one of my girls had her eye on Striped shirt and I was causeing some trouble with her pulling out the moves.
At this point, I feel I should say that I don't care who who goes after and usually I'll stay out of the way, but I was there to have a good time and Striped Shirt was too. We just wanted to dance and have fun. Besides, I have my own boy who I love. I don't need anyone else.
Too bad SS wasn't interested in her.
Now, I had no idea she was even trying to go after him until her and a KDub ambushed us on the dance floor. I let C take him and KDub gave me a look with her hands on her hips said, "Don't you have a boyfriend?!?"
"Yes I do." And I walked off the dance floor.
She can have him. I didn't care.
He was cute and nice and not trying to pick me up (well at least not obviously until the end of the night.) so I was ok with dancing with him more than once. As the night wore on, C kept cornering the poor boy. I had to come to his rescue a few times but he was polite and didn't just ignore her.
He came over to talk to me at the end of the night asked me about my boyfriend, ah... so they told him... not that I was trying to keep it a secret, I just don't feel the need to tell everyone I dance with my entire life story.
"Our heat doesn't work in our room we're staying in, so I keep trying to get my buddy to sleep with me. Hey get over here and keep me warm and he tells me 'hell no'." I laughed and told him I could think of another solution to keep him warm at night. He kinda coked his head and looked at me.
He threw back his head and laughed. He shook his head. "Well, what if I said I'd rather have you keep me warm."
So much for not trying to pick me up.
This time it was my turn to shake my head. "Nope, I'm taken. Sorry. I'm very happily taken."
But the end of the night, I was sick of the drama that I had apparently caused by stealing this boy. Cause, you know, that's exactly what I was trying to do by turning him down.
I borrowed a pen from a friend and wrote my number down on a scrap of a receipt that was left in my wallet from some bygone era where I used to try to keep track of where my money had gotten off to. Just a simple, call if you're ever in town again.
I handed it to him.
Just to piss her off.
Maybe I was in the wrong in the first place, but man, if you know me, you know I'm not going to cheat. I'm not going to take some boy from anyone else. I may save them from you but that's as far as it goes. And it goes both ways... I'll save you from them if its needed.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Up by my Bootstraps

I've had a terrible time keeping myself together lately. Little things set me off on tirades that last ten minutes or more. I need some time. Still.
I took a day away and drove four hours to go see the boy just to drive four hours back the same night to get back in time for turnout. I went to my old church and took my best friend out to eat but the reason I went down there was to see him. Just him.
The more time goes by the harder it is for me to ignore the feeling I get when he's not around me. I can't drive thoughts of him from my mind. It's surreal that I no longer have that control over my mind (and body) that every bit of me craves him when he's not here with me. I just want the shelter of his arms. The way that all my worries melt away when I look in his eyes. When I watch him smile, worries aren't the only thing that melts.
I know. I'm easy.
and... I'm gushing.
He has started calling me every night. It's odd.
Used to be, I did the calling. Used to be, I initiated most of the conversations.
Not anymore.
So strange.
But even my day away hasn't gotten my thoughts in order enough for me to function as well as I should. I've been sunk in this horrible mood almost all week.
Finally today, I was able to decide that I had had enough and drug myself out of the dark crevice in my mind I'd been hiding in for whatever reason. I'm trying to get back to my rubber band mode where even if things go wrong I can still smile and go on with life.
Pulling myself up by my bootstraps.
I will do it.
I can do it.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Beautiful Stanger

Did you ever become completely fascinated with an absolute stranger?

There's this guy I see all the time, that I have never said more than hello to and don't even know his name. But I'm absolutely enthralled with everything about him, almost to the point of obsession. This is not to say I'm going to start stalking him, that's ridiculous.
There really is something to this beautiful stranger. I just wonder about him and where his intrests lie.
I never saw him before this year. We've locked eyes more than is necessary of two strangers coming across one another on normal occasions. There some recognition in both of us and I swear I see some irony in his eyes as well in the moment before I realise I'm coming close to the point of staring and drop my gaze.
Maybe its just my imagination.
He draws extremely well. He has a sketch that I could just get lost in amazement for hours at a time.
He latin dances like a pro. I'm excrutiating jealous.

One day, I'm just going to walk up to him and introduce myself.
One day when I'm not self conscious ...
... when I'm courageous ...
... when I look damn good and not like I just left the barn, for once ...
... when I'm feeling a little spunky ...
... when I've convinced myself that this is not

a crush ...

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Don't Want to be that girl

"So... are you and M gunna get married?"

When he asked that, I just had to smile to myself. Shivers went down my spine and I closed my eyes to think about how I would answer. I don't like explaining my feelings to the boy, let alone this one. I know his thougthts on the matter but mine aren't nearly that clear. It was such a random question and completely out of left field.

Of course, I was relieved of explaining my answer since he then perceded to criticism my word choice. He wanted something simple yes, no, maybe so. I thought much to hard about it. But 'maybe' just seems far too inconsequential. We talk - rather, he talks like its inevitable. Me, I just go along with it. I don't know how else to respond. So I chose not to respond at all.
It's not something I've really thought that much about. I've always been much too independant to even consider it all that much.
I don't think it's a fear of commitment, but I don't know how else to label it. I just never felt like a girl to settle down. It sounds nice but I don't know if its for me.
The worst of all is that I don't have anyone to confer with on this thing. I'm afraid that speaking it along with confirm my doubts. That, maybe, I don't really love him, but I'm desparate not to hurt him. He's had enough girl troubles. I don't want to be that girl to break his heart again.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


He just lights me up. He can make me melt with just a few simple words.
Leave me speechless with even less.
A simple touch of his hand leaves me aching for more.
When thoughts of our time together, even in the purest forms, intrude on my day, I have to physically shake my head to stop myself from getting lost in the moment.
I crave his kiss night and day.
I kiss my fingertips to comfort myself when he's not here.
I swoon at certain slower songs that remind me of him.
He makes me want to dance more than anything.
I can't sleep with him but I don't sleep well without him.

And I still don't know for sure if this is truly love.