Resolved

So I'm spending the rest of my holidays with friends and the boy.

It's a new year soon and hopefully a new party in a new place and job.

In just over a week, I will be pulling out my roots and re potting myself in Georgia.

Because of such I'm breaking the tradition of not making resolutions.

In this new year, I want to...

Eat healthier.

I'm not a wanna be health nut. I still plan on eating ice cream every time I feel like it. I am still of the opinion that I can justify anything. Ice cream does have calcium after all. But I also realise that eating nothing all day except six oranges and half a bag of chips is not all that helpful.

Smile more.

I'm told I have a beautiful smile. Although I'm still doubtful that there is little about it that is all that special except that I tend to pull it out more than most. This past year has been kind of rough for multiple reasons and my smile hasn't been out as often as it use to. There's always a bright side. I believe in the power of a smile and a kind word. I can change the world with just that.

Keep in touch.

I have this horrible habit of letting good friends fall by the wayside. If they don't keep track of me, I don't find the time to keep track of them. The one promise I break the most is the one where I promise to keep in touch. Lost friendships because of lack of effort hurt the most. I'm not going to give up on people anymore.

Love more.

'Nuff Said.

Wrapped Up

I woke up this morning wrapped up in M's arms. I absolutely love that feeling.

Best.

Christmas.

Ever.

Nevermind several thousand awkward moments meeting his family for the first time. Yipes!

Hope you all got to spend Christmas with your loved ones.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Mistake?

It was just a kiss.

That's what I told him. It didn't mean anything.

But when does a kiss really mean nothing?

Never.

This kiss was about a missed opportunity. A crush that never quite made it through.

It was a promise that maybe someday.

It was a lie that I never wanted anything more.

The first was a gift.

The second...

well that one was a wish.

A Big Girl Now

So I've been way behind on keeping this thing up. I'm going to try to be better but you know me... I always promise then end up giving up and starting all anew when I feel the ridiculous urge to write.

I'm a grown up now. I've officially graduated college. I even got that pretty little peice of paper in the mail yesterday to prove it. It's got my name on it and everything. I've been picked up by my collar and thrown out of a comfortable daily schedule of life into the real world when I have to figure out what to actually do with the rest of my life. College degree notwithstanding.

I've even landed a job. In Georgia. I leave in less than a month.

I get my own appartment and everything.

*booty shake*

I'm wearing the big girl panties now.

Problem that every girl thinks they want

What do you do when you have several boys that say they are in love with you?

When you have two very different men saying they will follow you where ever you go... to the ends of the earth if they must.



What do you do when your heart aches to hurt one of them but by standing by doing nothing you know that somehow you are doing just that?



My heart hurts, my head is worried. What a problem to have! Having boys follow you around pining. I don't want to be pined after. Shouldn't I be the one pining? I am the girl. I guess it goes both ways.



My best friend wants to be that girl that a boy dreams of. that all he thinks about. that his heart aches for.



I guess I want that too. I just want it to be mutual. I wish I could love them both. But at this point, today I'm not sure I can love either of them. Not like they deserve. I'm just a girl. I'm not all that special. I mean, I'm unique. I'm powerful. I love. But... Surely I'm not what these men are looking for. I am not perfect. Far from it. But then... we all are.

I should talk it over with someone. I feel bad enough about the situation. How do I ask for advice when the problem I see I have just sounds conceited? That I'm full of myself.



*sigh* Perhaps I'm just not ready to be in love...

Being Female

Girls are spectacular creatures. I should know, I am one.

I've tried denying it for a long time. And I still do from time to time. I've always resisted all those qualities in women that drive me up the wall.

But...

I don't know. I rather feel like embracing it all. It seems like that is the only way I can be satisfied with myself. Why am I fighting what I am? I can manage those things I view as faults.

It's ok to cry, sometimes.

Troubles

So I'm single these days. Well for all intentional purposes for me. We have revised the break up to be just a break. I don't know what to do. I can't make just a clean break of it.

I still love him.

It's just not him I see myself spending the rest of my life with.

I wish I did because this would be a lot easier. I want something better. I want a diamond not a ruby - though both are precious. One is better for me.

I think.

I hope.

I just don't want to hurt anyone else.

I know I'm sounding very scatterbrained and vague. It's because I don't really know what is going on, what I want and what I don't want. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of everything.

Tonight, K put his hand on my back softly as he was passing. It seemed to stay there longer than it should have. I took comfort from it and wished for more. Not really from him of course. He's my boss and a cheating SOB to boot. I just miss that soft touch of someone caring.

I want a kiss. a fleeting simple soft kiss.

I want a hug. a long warm comforting hug.

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of the bar.

I'm tired of the drunk boys at the bar that just like to watch me shake my ass.

I'm tired of the drunk boys who want my number and then never use it.

I'm tired of people quitting.

I'm tired of people not following through with their promises.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm just tired.

I want to curl up in someone's arms and fall asleep before they do. I want someone to let me relax for just a minute. I want a hot bath and a back rub. I want someone to care enough to let me need them instead of the other way around for once. I need to cry in someone's presence and be comforted without them succumbing to tears as well.

Looking for Something More

He's near perfect.

But somehow its not enough.

He loves me.

I just wish my love could match his.

Because then I wouldn't break his heart.

I look at flowers in the store and wonder why he never brought me any.

It's probably the only thing he didn't do.

I reread the old texts he send me. Romantic in nature, I should be swooning. And indeed I do. But somehow its not enough. It's been going on two years and I feel like I'm wasting, and settling.

I've been thinking on it for months. It just took one conversation with a friend to tell me, I've been lying to myself. And, ultimately, to him.

It's all left me looking for...

something more.

It's just not right. For me.

I'm going to have to let him go.

It's going to break my heart to break his.

I love the sound the rain makes as it falls. Its is even so much better when you are out in it, feeling it hit your skin, hear it drop from dangling tree leaves, and tasting it on your lips. I makes me feel clean - its like crying but without the red eyes and runny nose - so refreshing and comforting. It fills my soul with peace.

The only thing to make it better would be either having my camp staff with me.
Or M...

Oh Lord, how I miss him so far away.

Trying for another home away from home

I'm away with people I don't know typing away on a keyboard unfamiliar with its stiff keys and uncomfortable sound. It's so different. I miss my terabithia desparately. My only consilation is that it's not gone forever. Or at least so they tell me. My greatest fear is that it is and no one will know the love I found for that place as I do.

As much as I try, this place doesn't hold its arms out waiting for me to once again surround myself by the wind in the trees, the hoofbeats in a dusty corral in the afternoon heat, and the cries of girls I've watched grow from daisy to caddette.

I mourn at its almost loss that I fear will disappear before my eyes.

So near...

It's almost over.

Just one more time to prove myself worthy of the grade and then I'm done until next time.

I'm almost there.

Then on to what?

That I cannot be exactly sure of, but that's ok. That's life. and that's exactly why I love life so much. For the mystery. For the adventure of simply not knowing.

But its not exactly easy, this not knowing thing. But I think I can do it.

Diamond Fool

How do you tell someone that you love them and yet not love them at the same time?

My heart hurts that I even write this because I wish it wasn't true.

He says I am the one.

But I am not so confident.

He asks me.

I say yes, but don't know why.

I wish I knew what love felt like. I thought I knew, but it wasn't this, not exactly. I guess it's different. I am too young. Too inexperienced to know what I hold is precious.

And worst of all, I yearn for something different and I don't know why. I feel trapped. I haven't had time to see it all yet. I haven't had my heart broken... I don't even know if it can be broken. I feel so calloused to things sometimes. I do know that I have the power to break his and I desparately don't want to.

But I need some freedom. Freedom to do what? I don't know.

Flirt.

Let my hair down.

Be a fool.

He lets me be who I need to be. He trusts me. He depends on me.

How much more do I need?

He loves me.

Maybe too much.

Is that possible? To be loved too much?

I keep ignoring myself when I think about this. I wish there was someone to tell me if I was just being crazy or not. It takes a lot out of me just to admit this much.

Why can't I be happy with a ruby instead of a diamond? I never cared much for diamonds anyway.

I know what I have is precious. I know that I shouldn't want to give it up. I know it will kill him if I do and I don't want that.

God, I don't want that.

I do love him.

I just don't know about the rest.

Silence

It's funny that yesterday, after all the excitement of friends laughter and a rowdy night, I was suddenly hit with a rush of being alone. The quiet wasn't soothing and I longed for someone to be there. I tried to console myself with a few phone calls but that didn't quite get it for I really had little to say. I was hoping for the person on the other end of the line to say that one thing I needed to hear, though I didn't quite know what it was. And now, this evening, quiet seems to be exactly what I need. Time to myself with just the sound of the wind blowing in my window, fluttering my curtains.

I have accomplished just about everything I need to for the rest of this semester. I should be at least a little satisfied with myself but, oddly, I am not. I feel a bit like a vacant hole that wishes to remain vacant. I feel that the silence is the most comforting things right now.

My terabithian dream didn't happen this summer. They closed my special place this year, quite possibly never to open again, though I refuse to believe it. Thus, I have a new adventure this summer that will hopefully grant me the same feeling my Terabithia has done for the past eleven years.

Terabithia

"Terabithia was their secret, which was a good thing, for how could Jess have ever explained it to an outsider? Just walking down the hill toward the woods made something warm and liquid steal through his body. The closer he came to the dry creek bed and the crab apple tree rope the morehe could feel the beating of his heart. He grabbed the end of the rope and swung out toward the other bank with a kind of wild exhilaration and landed gently on his feet, taller and stronger and wiser in that mysterious land."

There is a place that weaves itself inside my dreams and imagination and threads its very essence into my every breath and being. And though I have a hard time trying to explain my passion for such a ransackle place, people understand that somehow I belong there. My heart gallops ahead of the rest of me when the summer nears. Life in between is just a waiting period until I can return there.

"You've missed it, haven't you?"

All I could do in answer was breath a quiet 'yes', my eyes taking in the wonder that I had been apart from for so many months.

Even now, far away my heart skips a beat when my thoughts turn to there. I thirst for it like I've never wanted for anything else in my life. My eyes go dry for want of tears that wish to roll down my cheeks. I find myself holding my breath on the slight chance that I may never be granted the gift of returning there again. I wish that I could sleep just so I could return there in my dreams.

It is my Terabithia.

It is my home.

Lucky,,,

I went to see him after the baby shower.
I suppose, I should tell you I went to a baby shower in the first place. Stories tend to work better if started from the beginning. It was my first baby shower and to be perfectly honest, I went to see camp and to see MarriedMan not for the baby shower. I brought my present and said my good wishes, played some games and found all the excuses possible to leave the building for long stretches of time.
Baby showers, I've discovered, really aren't my thing.
Babies aren't really my thing. Now maybe this will change in time, I'm still twenty-something but I'm not a big baby fan. I love kids just not babies. I'll adopt, thankyouverymuch. I felt bad on ditching out on the shower as much as possible but the atmosphere was crushing me. I needed the wide open air of camp.

Ah, camp. I've missed it so. I can't even describe what it feels like. I feel like my heart beats anew when I come close to that place. I feel my spirit lifted and wonder replacing any aching sorrow that has buried itself in my heart like spring over coming winter in those very woods. Every fiber of my being is tied to that place.

Besides my mind was all a-tumble over Married Man. Married Man is exactly what he is. Married. And I am very... very... taken myself. And yet, if there was going to be a fling, it would more than likely be with him - not that either of us would ever stoop to that. (Don't tell M! hehehe) Come on now, don't look at me like that, I am not a homewrecker.

He took me around camp on the four-wheeler. Showing me what parts of camp had been wrecked by the loggers coming through the woods I hold so dear, mourning with me over the loss he knew I felt. Pointed out all the things he had saved and fixed, and the things he was still going to do.
My mind was full of discontent thoughts about him, me, my life, M, and what I really wanted. I was hurting for I felt my insides were turning inside out. But the long drive back with my best friend helped me untangle the mess a bit and going home to M was the cure for the rest.

I really am a very lucky girl.

A Rest

Its hard to write when there is always someone there that might look over my shoulder at the monitor. It's not even that I care if people read it. Well, maybe some people. but it's like doing homework with the very music you hate blaring in the background... it just isn't possible. It's distracting in the worst way.
What I wouldn't give for a laptop sometimes. Or, you know, a room to myself. Ah the life of a poor college student with a roomate with a boyfriend with several friends who like to party... in our room with beer. (Crazy country boys, gotta love 'em)
I'm just whining. I love it. Really I do. Sometimes you just need a rest.
A rest.
That's what this week has been about. Was supposed to be about. I suppose, though, that life has a way of changing your mind about what you think you need. Like how I stayed up until four in the morning with the boy. That's a different kind of rest altogether. Oh but, a hot tub and a foot massage. I mean, who can argue with that? That certainly is relaxing, even with the acrobatics that followed...
And now, I'm craving something entirely different...

Infallacies of Love

He asked me to marry him.

half drunk, on the dance floor;

he asked me to marry him,

He said this wasn't it. He was going to do it right.

He said he knew he was drunk but if he asked me tomorrow, what would my answer be?

I told him, "We'll see"

He never asked.

But today, I want to say "yes".

The Uglies

I just can't pull myself out of this slump. I feel awful and nothing is working to lift these frown lines that seem permanently etched onto my face.

I think I know what is the problem. I haven't had any time to myself for the last four days. There's always been someone in my room. I haven't been able to hide and bare the uglies. I have this block when someone else is in the room, I can't write, I can't think. I guess I'm just too much of a hostess. I let my guests run the show and I just accomadate them. I haven't had the time to release my emotions, and all this backed up baggage is really weighing me down.

And now that I have the time and space to let it loose, I can't. I have the sneaking fear that if I start unpacking that someone is going to walk in and I'll have to make a big rush to shove it all under the rug. And I might miss something, like a tear running down my cheek and then I'll never get rid of them.

*sigh*

I need a break from people. I need a three hour trail ride. I need some fresh air, wind blowing my hair. I need sunshine and a bubbling brook.

Most of all, I think I need to cry.

But then , why won't the tears some?

Winter Wonderland

I know, I know. I promised to write but suddenly our room has become the new cool place to party and I'm hardly finding enough time to sleep without interuption let alone write. But luckily class has been cancelled today and all our visitors are still asleep on the floor. At about 2 last night, after trying to fall asleep to the not-so-subtle background noise of screams of frustration, and cocky boasting, all brought on by mario kart which is situated within ten feet of where my head was snuggled on my bed, I finally complained and kicked them out of the room. Oh the joys of communal living.

Oh and then, I got a very cheery call from someone from Ambassadors at 8am this morning telling me that though classes had been cancelled and there was still ice everywhere I still had to give a tour of the campus and oh-by-the-way it been moved up four hours. Damn. I was not pleased. But I got up anyway and climbed over our guests to get to my closet for some clothes and went to breakfast.

I live a wonderful life.

Blissfully Boring

So no big revelations or heavy issues weighing down my heart this day. I've moved back to school and haven't looked back. I'm really comfortable here. There are things to keep me busy and breaks just long enough that I can actually relax and not feel like a total bum. Classes don't start until tomorrow but today was busy enough with the start of the Job Hunt; getting and filling out applications that I hate, then returning said applications to important people and flash an innocent smile that hopefully convinces them that I'm a good choice to hire.

I'm a hard worker. It doesn't even matter whether I like what I'm doing or not. I'm a work-a-holic so as long as I'm working, I'm in bliss. So hopefully someone will take pity on me and let me work myself to death.

I just want a job. I want a boss that I can respect. I want responsibilities. I want to be able to pay my bills with money I made. It's all part of that independance thing.

Roomate's Boy pestered me all night last night so I had to set him straight with a deck of cards. He's been pouting all day. Calling for a rematch that I'm going to win. Luck, my foot.

I'll be writing more over the next few months less class or natural disaster interfere...Or the campus network crashes for the umpteenth time (ah life of communal living!).
Nothing eloquent or special here today.
Just living and loving life.
My life.