How do you tell someone that you love them and yet not love them at the same time?
My heart hurts that I even write this because I wish it wasn't true.
He says I am the one.
But I am not so confident.
He asks me.
I say yes, but don't know why.
I wish I knew what love felt like. I thought I knew, but it wasn't this, not exactly. I guess it's different. I am too young. Too inexperienced to know what I hold is precious.
And worst of all, I yearn for something different and I don't know why. I feel trapped. I haven't had time to see it all yet. I haven't had my heart broken... I don't even know if it can be broken. I feel so calloused to things sometimes. I do know that I have the power to break his and I desparately don't want to.
But I need some freedom. Freedom to do what? I don't know.
Let my hair down.
Be a fool.
He lets me be who I need to be. He trusts me. He depends on me.
How much more do I need?
He loves me.
Maybe too much.
Is that possible? To be loved too much?
I keep ignoring myself when I think about this. I wish there was someone to tell me if I was just being crazy or not. It takes a lot out of me just to admit this much.
Why can't I be happy with a ruby instead of a diamond? I never cared much for diamonds anyway.
I know what I have is precious. I know that I shouldn't want to give it up. I know it will kill him if I do and I don't want that.
God, I don't want that.
I do love him.
I just don't know about the rest.