Monday, April 30, 2007

Diamond Fool

How do you tell someone that you love them and yet not love them at the same time?

My heart hurts that I even write this because I wish it wasn't true.

He says I am the one.

But I am not so confident.

He asks me.

I say yes, but don't know why.

I wish I knew what love felt like. I thought I knew, but it wasn't this, not exactly. I guess it's different. I am too young. Too inexperienced to know what I hold is precious.

And worst of all, I yearn for something different and I don't know why. I feel trapped. I haven't had time to see it all yet. I haven't had my heart broken... I don't even know if it can be broken. I feel so calloused to things sometimes. I do know that I have the power to break his and I desparately don't want to.

But I need some freedom. Freedom to do what? I don't know.


Let my hair down.

Be a fool.

He lets me be who I need to be. He trusts me. He depends on me.

How much more do I need?

He loves me.

Maybe too much.

Is that possible? To be loved too much?

I keep ignoring myself when I think about this. I wish there was someone to tell me if I was just being crazy or not. It takes a lot out of me just to admit this much.
Why can't I be happy with a ruby instead of a diamond? I never cared much for diamonds anyway.

I know what I have is precious. I know that I shouldn't want to give it up. I know it will kill him if I do and I don't want that.
God, I don't want that.
I do love him.
I just don't know about the rest.


It's funny that yesterday, after all the excitement of friends laughter and a rowdy night, I was suddenly hit with a rush of being alone. The quiet wasn't soothing and I longed for someone to be there. I tried to console myself with a few phone calls but that didn't quite get it for I really had little to say. I was hoping for the person on the other end of the line to say that one thing I needed to hear, though I didn't quite know what it was. And now, this evening, quiet seems to be exactly what I need. Time to myself with just the sound of the wind blowing in my window, fluttering my curtains.

I have accomplished just about everything I need to for the rest of this semester. I should be at least a little satisfied with myself but, oddly, I am not. I feel a bit like a vacant hole that wishes to remain vacant. I feel that the silence is the most comforting things right now.

My terabithian dream didn't happen this summer. They closed my special place this year, quite possibly never to open again, though I refuse to believe it. Thus, I have a new adventure this summer that will hopefully grant me the same feeling my Terabithia has done for the past eleven years.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


"Terabithia was their secret, which was a good thing, for how could Jess have ever explained it to an outsider? Just walking down the hill toward the woods made something warm and liquid steal through his body. The closer he came to the dry creek bed and the crab apple tree rope the morehe could feel the beating of his heart. He grabbed the end of the rope and swung out toward the other bank with a kind of wild exhilaration and landed gently on his feet, taller and stronger and wiser in that mysterious land."

There is a place that weaves itself inside my dreams and imagination and threads its very essence into my every breath and being. And though I have a hard time trying to explain my passion for such a ransackle place, people understand that somehow I belong there. My heart gallops ahead of the rest of me when the summer nears. Life in between is just a waiting period until I can return there.
"You've missed it, haven't you?"
All I could do in answer was breath a quiet 'yes', my eyes taking in the wonder that I had been apart from for so many months.

Even now, far away my heart skips a beat when my thoughts turn to there. I thirst for it like I've never wanted for anything else in my life. My eyes go dry for want of tears that wish to roll down my cheeks. I find myself holding my breath on the slight chance that I may never be granted the gift of returning there again. I wish that I could sleep just so I could return there in my dreams.
It is my Terabithia.
It is my home.