My Christmas

I haven't been feeling much in the Christmas spirit this year.
Been too busy I suppose.
Or just too wrapped up in my own self.
But today, I decided I wanted to decorate the house.
Now, I live with four boys. Four nerd boys.
OCD and man-periods abound. (seriously, and I thought girl scout camp was bad?)

So I didn't get a tree.
One didn't want the mess.
One vetoed because of possible insects in the tree.
Yeah... sometimes they are more female than I am.

Instead I decided to get creative. This is my Christmas.
Yup. I strung lights and ribbon and bulbs on the bulletin board. :)
Very festive I think.

The Birthday Bucket List

go back to Whiskey Wild
Because there are always good times to be had at that Bar. Dancing and drinking, flirting with the boy all gives a confidence boost guaranteed.

get a massage from the boy
Because I never get a proper one that leads to.. well, you know... and I want to. And what else should you do in your birthday suit?

see all my friends from home
I miss them and they know just exactly what to do to make me laugh.

Go to a country concert
duh. I love country. duh.

Ride a horse
because I never get to anymore.

Just what I needed... from a tree.

My favorite book as a child was The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. I still love the concept. If I had a magic tree in my back yard I would want it to not giving me anything I wanted but just exactly what I needed.

This tree just hands out the just the thing I need at the exact time I need it. Think of the sorting hat at the end Harry Potter Order of the Pheonix. Maybe I should call it just-in-the-nick-of-time tree. I could ask for money which is the most popular answer by far. But money only gets you so far. My tree can dole out answers to my fears just by the pure driving need. Getting what you want every time isn't always best but if you can get what you need you'll always be fine.

I could use a little tree insight for my life.

Stonecold Confession.

Last night I was innocently playing WoW to my little nerd heart's content when one of my housemates said good night. I turned to get up and say goodnight and much to my surprise and embarrassment to see he had quite the hard-on going on that was peaking through his boxers. He was stoned and probably had no idea. But I slyly turned my head to hide my blush and said goodnight and slumped back into my chair and back to my computer. He stumbled off to bed. I promptly left the area to scrub my eyes with bleach.
Yipes...

Images.

As you may have noticed, the few of you that may frequent here, I have been playing around with the look of my blog. I'm still not really a fan of the title and the photo looks cool but doesn't really pander to the image I want to create. Heck, I don't even really know what the image is I'm trying to present.
I want to be kick ass and it still be me (because as much as I connect with those kick ass heroines of my books, I'm really not that kick ass. I'm really just a wuss with a big mouth.) I have yet to find something that suits my purpose. Something a little sexy yet not porn.
So yeah... if you have any ideas toss them out. Also, if you've just stopped in, read further in. I'm pretty sure you'll find something more interesting that this.

Also... Why suddenly in all things related to internet is 'doesn't' not a word? Has anyone else noticed that little red line just randomly appearing under the word mocking you like your second grade teacher?
No?
Maybe that last part's just me.

And a voice like honey...

I answered the phone this morning at work and I almost swooned at the soft voice laced with honey that answered back. One of my coworkers just calling in to check the schedule. But blaDOW, did his voice make me weak in the knees.


It's a good thing no one actually knows I'm that easy.

What's a girl got to do to get some action?

It wasn't what I had hoped.
It was a back rub.
Just a back rub.
But nothing I had been craving.
He had been putting it off so long I had thought there would be more to it.
I guess that's what they mean when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Fantasies and dreams take flight while waiting anxiously for the prize to come.
It was nice. I guess beggars can't be choosers.
But I had hoped it would lead to something a little more.
I mean, come on, isn't that what guys are supposed to think back rubs are for?
But no, of course not. Not this time, not the next time either probably.
What's a girl got to do to be seduced?

Tomorrow.

Image by margolove via Flickr

I've been thinking, dreaming, craving it for weeks now.
He promised me a massage.
His hands kneading the muscles loose from the cramped little knots that have been building for months. Fingers carassing my skin sending goosebumps out to my fingertips. His lips following, kissing up my neck to my hairline making me shiver.
Sigh.

Because it was Monday.

Image by paparutzi via Flickr

He bought me flowers.
For absolutely no reason.
Because it was Monday, he said.

Silly boy.
He bought me roses.
Twelves blood red roses and babies breath tucked away in its plastic wrapper.
He had been stuck at work and I had felt bad that he was going to be so tired when he did get home. And he stopped on the way home to get me flowers.
Sweet boy.

broken...

If I was honest with myself about how I felt about that place. I had fallen in love with the people and the land again. I felt a place where I could always belong again. I thought maybe, just maybe, I had found my Terabithia again. At least a close second.
And then that place turned its back on me. Threw me out to the wolves and broke my heart, shattered my confidence, and maybe even my dreams. It hurts to think about it now. I can't even look at pictures without feeling the ache in my chest where I thought I had found that feeling again.
I don't like it but I needed that place. I thought it could be a constant. That maybe, just maybe, I could settle there for a while. More than just a summer at a time. No more dreaming of the next time. I could be respected and treasured for who I was. I could be trusted to get the work done and be content.
Now all that has soured into feeling of grief, sorrow, and anger just wallowing in the base of my being. I'm afraid to try that hard again. I'm afraid to be rejected that hard right when I thought things were just turning around.
My dreams crushed for a second time. Why do I give people this power over me? Why do I lie myself on the block for them, torture myself for them? It's just a job. Isn't it?
I don't know that my dreams will ever be a job for me. It's just too bad that the job won't let me have my dreams anymore.
That place wrung me dry.

Being the hero

I know, I know... I haven't written in ages. forgive me.

I was talking to a coworker about books. I always get a little weird about the kind of books I read. I read fantasy. But there are tons of people that judge me just because of the book I read so I usually don't say much. I just shrug with tiny smile and gloss over the book with a generalistic name (witch book, werewolf book, whatever).

And as always, I always think of more to say after the conversation is over...

I love books with female heroines.
(I guess that's kind of a double negative-ish thingy since a heroine is already always female... (kind of like square is always a rectangle but a rectangle isn't always a square) )
...protagonist, then.
(ooo now I feel all smart and stuff pulling out a big five dollar word. anywho...)
It such an ego boost for me. Especially lately with my confidence so bruised in reality. I like the escape when I get to be the one saving the day no matter how awkwardly. (actually the more awkward the better, makes it seem believable that I could actually be the character). No one's perfect, heroines shouldn't be either. That's why all the great heros always had a fatal flaw (HELLO... acheilles heel, anyone?) . It makes for good drama.
And everyone knows a story without drama is... well... not a story. It's boring.

There's just something completely empowering in seriously kicking someone's ass and being able to strap on a set of sexy four inch heels all in one day and making the guy's mouth water just a little.

I like being the superhero instead of the damsel in distress.

Go for broke: Ramen

With my involuntary career change I'm going to have to make some cut backs. Things really haven't changed much from college. I'm still broke. Only this time, I have bills. Truck payment, school loans, etc.

And while there are something I don't plan to ever scrimp on, like toilet paper or ice cream (priorities people!), somethings can't be helped. Like food.

Luckily there are some super cheap meals in boxes (or bags, in my case, out there) like Ramen.

No Cash? No Problem. Caution!

Yum.

Chicken Ramen is the way to go. It's tasty and cheap. I've seen it as low as 2 cents (that's right, don't adjust your television sets, I said two pennies!) a package at walmart. (Ok, so that may have been five years ago, but still... times haven't changed THAT much.) and I know people who have lived nearly exclusively on it (with a bottle of vitamins).

And if you get tired of chicken, there's always pork or beef too! I think they even have varieties with freeze dried veggies in them now.

Even when I have cash to spare, I think I'll still eat ramen. It's that good.

Mac and cheese is pretty good too. Especially with tuna and peas all mixed up. But at nearly a dollar a box now it's hard to beat the top ramen noodle.

Just looking back.

I love going through and reading old blog entries. Especially since I feel my writing used to actually be good back then. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost my touch. Or maybe I'm just lacking some inspiration. But regardless...
Some fun moments from the past.
Being fabulous

I used to be pretty good at Stealing the boys too. Haven't been accused of that lately. But that may be because I was in the bumfuck of nowhere with no boys to 'steal'.

I guess I just need to remember how to pull myself back out of this dark dank hole I've found myself in by my bootstraps.

My confidence might actually return from its grave

I passed the test with flying colors and received rave reviews from just about every manager I've worked with already. My confidence is slowly climbing out of the thirty foot hole it buried itself in after being beaten down and fired. I even got a high five from Mr. Easy Smile.
Gah. I suck at monikers. Maybe I'll just stick with letters. Like M.
Maybe I'll just leave the cool anonymous monikers to the likes of Vix at OEN.
Oh well.
At least, I'm apparently rocking at certification tests.

Easy Smile

There was a boy. He reminds a lot of M.
I say that like I know him. It could be that he reminds me of him because he's built about the same and his smile seems to shine easier than most.

He stopped as I was taking the quiz carefully looking out over the dining room.
'Need any help with those questions?'
He sent me a sly smile as he readjusted his tab book.
I had reviewed pretty hard core before I had even started on the clock, even getting a chance to look at the answer key so I was fine.
'No, I think I've got it. but thanks... but I come around tomorrow then I could use your help.'
He looked at me then, his smile growing larger.
'Final certification, tomorrow?'
'Yup'
'Aw, it's not too hard, you'll do fine.' Smiling again, he wished me luck and went on his way to the kitchen.

I had to smile. He was too sweet.
Something about him seems to stick with me. Maybe its the resemblance to M but I learned his name first, even before my trainer's name who I met first. Maybe it's just that I love the romance behind almost strangers... remember this?

Behind these hazel eyes.

I can't tell him anything.
I can't tell anyone.
I'm broken.
I can't tell him because I can't tell myself. I don't know what to say.
Something inside me is broken. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when it happened.
But the life behind these hazel eyes of mine is dimmed. The spark is gone.
The smile which used to dance continually over these lips now sleeps the day away.
He knows something is wrong.
I want to tell him.
I want to cry on his shoulder and I don't want to feel bad for doing it. I want to wrapped in those warm arms until this goes away.
But instead, when he asks my lips fake a smile and say 'nothing is wrong'
'I'm fine'...
'don't worry'
While inside somewhere I'm screaming, crying to please do worry, force me to tell you, drag the words from my chest where they stay knotted. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. Make me feel better.
This burden is too hard for me to bear alone but I don't know how to share it.

This is my three...

So everyone says bad things happen in threes. Well, thanks to my truck getting broken into sometime last night by busting my passenger side window open and stealing my Ipod and transmitter, I have given fate my three.
First, a toothache from hell which needed a root canal immediately. (I only put this first because it started first)
Second, I was fired from my job for reasons I'm still unsure I totally understand.
And now this...

My truck was locked and alarm set (but apparently the alarm didn't go off, or maybe it did but no one heard it). I walked out to my truck 30 minutes before I was supposed to be at work (my first day.. first day, people!!) and saw the shattered glass. I'm not entirely sure what I did next but I'm sure it involved a few epithets of fame before walking back across the complex while dialing the number to my brand new job. It was my first day. And I had to show up late.
Sigh. They were cool about it though. Thank goodness.
Called the police who apparently aren't open on Monday's in this city. Since when does the whole flipping station get a day off?!?! I ended up having to fill out a report online. Called the insurance, and filed a claim. The boy was so very kind to wake up and drive my truck to the shop 30 minutes away to get it fixed as I went to work. It's fixed, but sadly I won't be getting my ipod or transmitter replaced or at least not until I pay off some of these other incidents of my run of bad luck.

I've paid my dues now, oh mother/father of the universe and dealer of destiny. Can't you leave me alone now?
At least for a little while, so I can finish picking up the pieces.

Burned...

So... I have a new job.
and I'm totally unexcited about it. It's not that I've gotten used to not working in the last two weeks. I just feel like I got burned so bad this last time. I'm wondering if it's worth the effort to give my all for a job again.
I've always been a bit of a work-a-holic. I've always loved my job. If I stopped loving it, I swore I would quit. And I did.
But I worked really hard at this one. Tried to make things better. And got continually put down and hurt for it. Any extra initiative I took was displayed as idiocy and I was yelled at and cut down. So much of me is tied to my job. My work ethic. If I'm told I'm not doing a good enough job, I take it that I am not good enough.
I hurt. This is worse than a bad breakup.
Maybe it's just safer to not love my job. I guess I know why people try not to fall in love with anything. It always hurts.

Post-It's

People leave notes to themselves all the time on post-its. Or at least they used to. Now they do things like this:



But I digress... Over at No Ordinary Rollarcoaster, there was a contest about what reminders you could put up for yourself on a post it.
One that seemed particularly good for me was:

"A job doesn't define you. especially when you no longer have one"
-Golublog

Though, I do have a job now. (just in time, too) and even a place to live (with the boy). It still seems like a good thing for me especially to keep in mind since so much of me is tied up to my work ethic.

Life's a bitch...

Sorry I fell off the edge of the world...

I was fired from my job.
I'm in recovery mode... Trying to get all my pieces back in order.

I lost my job and I find out I need a root canal like now all in the same two days.
Life's a real BITCH sometimes.

Stupid toothache

Hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend. I'm very jealous if you had the time off and got to spend it as you choose.
I have a ridiculous toothache that ruined a perfect prime rib dinner for me. All I could eat without flinching was the mashed potatoes... and those were lumpy (just the way I like them, sans toothache) making even that hard to enjoy.
I'm going to pop a pretty pink pill and go to bed and hope I don't need to find a dentist in this god-forsaken valley tomorrow.

Lack of inspiration

I'm doing a little work on the blog while the internet is still treating me well. I will write a post worth reading in the near future (hopefully!). Not that you all don't thoroughly enjoy my rambling on about how stupid work is (gag!). I don't even like writing about it. Why do I do it?
It has to come out somewhere.
As it is, feel free to sift through my older posts that are at least decent prose while I hunt up a bottle of wine and a good book:
Losing Control
Beautiful Stranger
Terabithia

Mutual feeling.

I didn't want to leave the boy yesterday and drive the three hours back to the ranch. I didn't want to go to work this morning.
Apparently work felt the same way. Nothing bad happened. It's just I wasn't useful, I was given busy work then dismissed. Out of sight, out of mind, I think.
Does wonders for my confidence, let me tell you. *rolls eyes*
Oh well. It's over now. Now I can go back to bed and try again tomorrow.

Trading bridges for those million parachutes

I had big plans for my day off today.

Then I saw something shiny and my productive day went downhill from there.
But at least, it was a good day off.

As I've mentioned, I've been feeling very homesick. Things haven't been going as smoothly as I would like at work. I seem to always be doing something wrong and getting in trouble, being made to cry. But you all have heard me vent enough, here, lately so I won't continue now.

In any case, a song came on my ipod while I was driving to town.
A Million Parchutes by Sixpence None the Richer. She seems to be in the very place I want very much to be in. And I seem to be exactly where she wants to be.

Like a million parachutes
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission

[Chorus]
I miss the warmth
And I miss the sun
I miss the ocean
I miss everyone
And I miss the bridges
That span across the bay
Tonight, it seems like ages ago

Like a million parachutes
the snow still falls
The dogs are asleep now
There's no one to call
I'll put on some records
And wait for the light
Under those million parachutes
Now a blanket of white.

I wonder if when I go back home, I will miss this place.
Will I miss the warmth?
Will I miss the sun?
Will I miss everyone?

It is beautiful where I am. The sun is shining, the weather's warm.
The ocean is so close and the sight leaves me speechless and peaceful with each visit.

But I miss everyone. I miss having friends to fall back on. I miss having a shoulder to cry on.
It does seem like ages ago I had that luxury.

First Kiss?

I was in my senior year of high school when I got my first kiss. Though, I'm not entirely sure you could even call it a kiss.
My first (and only) boyfriend. (that's right, this is the boy) Though we didn't define it as such. Come to think of it, we avoided all labels like that. We were 'going out' as the fashion was then. (gosh, I say that like I'm old or something.)
(I mean I certainly feel old with everyone I know getting married and having babies and such, but that's an entirely different post. And seriously, Fresh Prince on Nick at Night?? really?)
I'm not even sure if it was our first date or just one day he dropped me off at my house. But he had driven me home from somewhere and walked halfway to the door of my house. It was still daylight (that's really all I remember. I'm gettin' old, remember?).
He stopped me from going any further to give me a hug. It was a good long hug. I love hugs like that. As he pulled away, I heard a smooch and felt a brush on my cheek close to my lips but not quite close enough.
I was stunned.
Did I just get kissed? my head spun a little bit. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to say something?
He just kept walking back to his car. I was so confused as he got inside. I managed to walk dumbfounded to the front door where it sunk in that I had actually been given my first kiss.
I kind of smiled because I was still in shock over the whole thing. I never mentioned it because I was never quite sure if it was intentional. Or if it even was an actual kiss.
There were many more after this. Many much better kisses. Much more kiss like. I'm not sure why, but this time sticks with me so I consider it my first kiss.
We dated the reminder of my senior year. He had graduated two years before me but still went to church with me (that's how we got together) but we somehow just puttered out after that.
Two years later, it began again. With a kiss. A whole different kind of kiss. (but that's another story.)

It's something.

It's been nearly a month since I've seen the boy.
I miss him.
and missing him is making me grumpy and unsociable.
Nothing... No one makes me me like him.
Sigh.
I've been sleeping a lot more than usual. I've been crashing before dinner, missing dinner entirely. Sometimes I'm asleep by 5:30. And I keep sleeping. I can't think this is a good thing.
I should probably talk to someone about this but who?

I started drawing again today. I haven't even picked up a pencil to doodle in a months. It used to be something I enjoyed... not sure what happened there. But I'm happy I picked it up again tonight, even for a short time.

I'm babbling, guys. Forgive me.
But at least I'm writing something.
It's not viable, but it's something.

I want to go home.

I haven't been writing because the internet sucks and I've been exhausted. and I haven't been down south to see the boy (who has wonderful internet).
I'm feeling pretty down again. About work mostly, as usual...
It's getting to be where every night I'm wishing that I could go home. Somehow, this place that I've started to see the beauty around me has become so inhospitable to me. I used to call it home. Now it's just the ranch.
I want to go home.

I hate being homesick.

Question of the day:

Hybrid Prius or Escalade with gold rims?

So I choose the prius mainly because I already have my over-indulgent gas guzzler of a truck that I absolutely LOVE but it is a bit of a killer on the wallet. Gold rims aside, I don't need anything flashy just something classy. Besides, people might start thinking I have a vehicle worth stealing...

Need a giggle? Try 'Bloodsucking Fiends'

Laughter isn't something I've been coming by as often as it used to so any book that will make me giggle is a huge plus. Hysterical laughter? The more the merrier. At least, then I don't look so lame and people will stop avoiding the sad/angry-at-life girl...

Christopher is a ridiculously funny author to begin with and when you add an accidental vampire in there... well, it should cheer you up. And it's not even that long of a read. I think I finished it in two days.

Grow

It's kind of depressing when no one stops to read my blog. I do have a site meter which tells me how many people I've had since I put it on. I've had 8 visits. :( I think the main problem is that I don't allow this to show on my profile for fear that my mom will find it and will start to worry about me. My mom doesn't need to worry about me anymore than she already does.
Maybe I should just suck it up and let it show and hope my mom doesn't look. Oh well...
This blog is for me really, anyway, so I guess I shouldn't even complain. But it's really nice to get feedback sometimes. Like for someone to tell me I really am being that dumb or that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be...
People need that sometimes. At least I know I do.
It helps me to grow...
I'm convinced I'm going through a sort of depression right now. Being so far away from everyone I know and feeling like a bother to everyone I am near to. It's hard.
I never thought it would be this hard. Growing up. Moving away.
College was never this bad. But I guess I didn't ever have any time to get sad.
It's like camp. Downtime is when the kids get homesick. Downtime is when they start crying for their parents, for their own bed... etc. etc. I have too much downtime and not enough motivation to find something constructive to do with all that extra time.
I've lost all interest in drawing.
Nothing is ever good on TV.
No movie will keep my interest for long.
Sigh.
Wanna know a secret?
I don't even like riding all that much right now. (*gasp*)
I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this mode. I need some feedback.
If I'm ever going to grow, I need to push through the soil so I can finally see the sunlight again.
I miss the sun.

Frickin' Horse

On Friday, I was putting a little girl up on one of our (previously) best kid horses at work. His name is Max. He's a cremello quarter horse and the quietest gelding in the world. When he had to have surgery last summer, Old Boss had to keep telling the vet techs that he hadn't been sedated yet. After this particular surgery to relieve the tension in a hind leg tendons, Max was laid up for quite a while. He was lunged 5-6 days a week at walk then trot as per the vets instructions until he was finally allowed to be used for pony rides and then back out on the trails.
Since then, he has developed some very naughty habits. He no longer goes out with the herd because we are afraid he will reinjure himself so he stays in one of our larger paddocks. For a while he was by himself, but now he has a friend - another quarter horse who was laid up for a cough for a long time...
He decided in the time he was by himself that he was quite the horse and should be the big boss. So when he went out on the trails he found it very entertaining to trot up to the horse in front of him and biting him in the butt. This is very scary for some children (obviously) so we started making sure he was at least a little tired before putting kids on him. We would guide on him in the morning and then the child could ride him. So he was getting better. We even put some schooling rides on him to get him out of this habit.
So on Friday, I put this little girl on him. She was fearless and had lessons once a week. She could handle any mischief he tried. He tried to trot she would pull him back to a walk and chastise him thoroughly. Gotta love kids like that. I walked around the front of him like I usually do to change her off side stirrup. As I walked past his face, with no warning whatsoever - no pinned ears or grumpy face or anything - he bit me. He grabbed my arm up by the shoulder and bit me. Hard. and then let go looking like nothing unusual had happened.
Bastard.
I was stunned. I stood there for a second as I realized that he had, in fact, just bitten me and what I could do about it with a child on his back. I settled on a smack on the neck but it didn't faze him. But really there was nothing else I could do without risking the girl.
This horse is wonderfully calm. I wish I could know what was going through his brain that prompted him to just bite me like that. Whatever it was, it was not cool.
Luckily he did not break the skin... I was wearing several layers since it was pretty chilly out. But he did leave a pretty good bruise. Which given the way I sleep with my arms up against my chest, I tend to punch and wake myself up in the middle of the night when I roll over. Ouch.
Frickin' horse.

Life, at the moment

So I thought it would be nice if I updated you all on my life lately. I've joined a blogblock-stopper site that's hopefully going to help me keep writing. This of course, only helps if I can get online but I'm working on it. You'll see the posts with the light bulb at the bottom of it, those are my Plinky posts. They're all responses to prompts on the website which are usually in a question form. It's pretty cool.

Work seems to be leveling out. Working at a dude ranch is terribly fun when there are guests and kids running all the time. The only trouble happens it seems is when all the guests are gone and we are all left to bicker amongst ourselves. I swear there will never be a barn in exsistence in which there is no drama. Unless of course there is only one person there. Then, I suppose the only drama that would be there is the trouble between you and your horse.
Horse people are wonderful people but man, we can really be pigheaded most of the time...

Anyway, I did get my puppy. FINALLY! She's wonderful. She's beautiful and adorable.
And so well behaved. No one believes she's really only 4 months old. She doesn't leave my side most of the time, and when she does she usually doesn't leave my sight unless she's curled up asleep in the barn.
I've got her right now on a seven day trial to make sure she gets along with the ranch life, alright but already I think I might have a mutiny on my hands if I tried to give her back. Everyone loves her. The other dogs are a little indifferent but even Cannon has played with her when he thinks no one's watching. I'll post some pictures when I'm not at the ranch with bandwidth to worry about.
As it is, I'm writing this on my lunch hour. I should get back to the barn and finish up work for today. There's no guests so I just have to clean up and turn the horses out to pasture and feed everyone. Exciting. Exciting. :)

Seat me next to the quiet creepy guy, please

I've been on several trips lately. Although, most recently I've been lucky enough to be seated by my beau since we were travelling together. But if I had the choice to sit between a talkative person with a really irritating voice or a quiet person who kept staring at me, I believe I would sit next to the quiet starer.

Because I could just turn away from them and ignore them. Besides, if it was a cute guy, I could pretend that he thought I was stunningly beautiful and was at a loss for words. Call me optimistic.

Stressed? I'm not stressed! Now hand me that ice cream before anyone gets hurt.

chocolate ice cream by Kanko*

Chocolate is my passion at any point in my life. But when I'm stressed or depressed there had better be something chocolate around or someone's head will be taken off. (That or I'll collapse in tears of self-pity, but that's besides the point.)
Chocolate ice cream is that much better. Oooo with fudge swirls and brownie chunks... and chocolate chips?
And give me a Seagrams Wild Berry any day to take the edge off. Or a Margarita on the rocks. Or a shot of something with a bite. That'll do the trick.

Acting out?

I feel like I've worked my ass off at this job and have it all come to nothing.
Maybe my behavior the last month and a half hasn't been top notch but let's for a second consider that maybe I'm acting out a little bit.
Maybe I'm feeling just the tiniest bit

under appreciated.
When I started, I took on all the morning feeding chores. So much so that on one of my days off, neither Old Boss or Stuck-in-his-ways showed up to feed.
Not that I really blame them. I'm just trying to build my case.
I worked hard in the barn all day, never complaining. Tried to make everyone else smile. After work, I noticed that the ladies forgot to come get plates at dinner. Or the kitchen was in a rush
to get the food out. I would always pitch in a hand.
Need someone to get the cookies for lunch that someone forgot?
Heck, have a wedding? I'll help serve. I'll help do the dishes.
When Old Boss left I was left in charge of all the ordering and scheduling.
I did all of this in my own spare time. When everyone else was done in the barn, I went home to make the schedule (three or four times over, if need be) and order the supplies we needed. I made a lot of the paper work in the barn easier to read.
Now anyone can tell when a horse is due for shoeing if the paper has been filled out. All of this, I did in my spare time.
Need a babysitter? I'm here.
Need a temporary bartender? I'm here. I'll help.
I've never complained. I asked for an evaluation.
I was told I was doing a superior job (with a few nit picky spots of improvement).
I asked for a raise. I was told the money wasn't there. But I was told that I deserved one.
I got a pat on the back and sent on my way.

I was frustrated. I deserved a raise but there was nothing to give me. Nobody even offered anything instead.
I was given more side jobs. I did them and the barn job without complaint. I never asked for anything...
except for a dog.


'We'll see how the job works for you,' I was told when I took the job. 'But sure...'
After Old Boss left and I was asked to stay, I asked. 'Wait until after labor day'
So I waited, I looked at dogs when the time came but I was given all these conditions that the dog had to meet.
And then I was leaving for two weeks, I couldn't get a dog and then leave it while I went home in January.
So I waited, I get back to new management. 'You need a dog,' they said.
I started looking. I found one after thousands of false starts...
and it's now being dangled in front of me like a carrot on a string.
I don't get a yes or no. Just, 'let's wait and see'

And they wonder why I've stopped giving a crap about anything.
Why I've developed a bad attitude.
Maybe I'm being childish...
But I don't care.

Maybe I was just acting out.

Jealous

I keep stumbling on these horse blogs lately and I find myself becoming rather jealous. They all are having struggles with their horses that they are trying to overcome.
Here I am. I work with sixteen horses every day. I get paid to do it. And yet, I don't have the same feeling with those horses.
Maybe it's because they aren't mine. Even my favorite horse out of the bunch that I ride all the time isn't mine. When I say they aren't mine, I mean I am not their sore source for learning, for loving.It's just not the same. I'm not in charge of anything.
Not a damn thing.
Sigh.
Sorry, I'm in a really crappy mood. I was trying to write something worthwhile but it's not coming right now. I hope the rain we're supposed to get comes quickly and hard. It would suit my mood.

I want to be better

I want to grow up.
I want to be the more mature person. The bigger person.
I do.
I really, really do.

But I'm not. I'm only 24. I've still got a lot of learning to do.

Today at lunch, I was talking to the last coworker I have who still tries to make me smile, Mo. We were talking about another job I had been moonlighting at. Bartending.
My boss at the bar is kind of a nitpick. All the bottles in the cooler have to be lined up just right, everything has to be kept spotless and just so... Basically, he likes things a certain way and he has good reasons for what he asks people to do. I get that. I can do that. It's easy. Do it his way and everything's cool.

Did I just say that? Like out loud?

Am I really that dense?
How is that boss any different really than Stuck-in-his-ways Cowboy (I've just decided to call him)? He just wants things done his way.

Sure, they seem pointless.
A lot of them are time wasters, maybe.
But in all reality, work doesn't take that long anyway. At least when there aren't guests around.
And he is my boss.

No, he shouldn't has cussed me up and down the Mississippi River.
No, he shouldn't have called me names. Perhaps I have been a tiny bit childish.

But then, I should be better with authority.
I don't know where my problem with authority comes from. Even my parents when I was young made me look up the word 'condescending' in the dictionary so I would know how I was talking to them.

If I knew what my problem was, I could maybe fix it. But I don't, so I'm stuck.
Maybe it's the fact that I pride myself on being independent and work hard to stay that way. I don't know.
Anyone out there in blog world know what I'm talking about here?


I hate realizing I've been wrong this whole damn time.
When is it my turn to say 'I told you so.'?

Croak...

There are creatures living under the closed off eaves of my house. Those creatures tend to squeak and shuffle around this time of night. I'm not sure if they're mice or bats but they certainly are annoying when I want to sleep.
The frogs are no help either.
You see, my house is almost sandwiched between the barn and the pond. Closer to the barn - in fact my back porch (that I never use) looks out into the horse paddock but I'm really close to the pond. The frogs live around this lake and they really like to sing their hearts out.
Too bad they don't dance... they could totally make me millions... millions I say! And smoking cigars in front of a giant theatre in a full tux and a cape (I've always wanted a cape...)

So back to what I was saying... These frogs don't dance. And they don't actually sing either. They just croak.
All.
Night.
Long.
And my walls are paper thin - they barely keep the wind out. If the Big Bad Wolf came around, my cabin wouldn't stand a chance. Just sayin'
And the only way to get them to quiet down is to let off a loud noise.
Like a shotgun blast.
And then its blessedly quiet for a little while.
Until one frog, one frog gets brave enough to croak once. And then again.
Then a couple more join him.
Then a few more.
The the whole pond full of frogs is off again.

So those creatures crawling around and squeaking right above my head are really only just half of the symphony that goes on nightly at the ranch. Too bad most nights, it doesn't put me to sleep.
If only they could really sing. Maybe there's a green box hidden in the pond somewhere...

Hindsight always leaves me reaching for ice cream and alcohol.

So I just belatedly realized that I have been a college graduate for over a year already. Yipes!
It's crazy how fast time goes by sometimes.
It's a little depressing about how this time of years seems to be really bad for me in terms of work.
Last year, I started a job in January. Started to feel overworked and stressed in February. Got yelled at most of March and April. And left in May.
Now, here I am in February '09, getting in trouble and getting yelled at.
Am I really on a train to nowhere?
That's a scary thought.
How did I get so discontent?
It's been a year. Wow. I'm still in shock. It's not even that I feel like I'm getting old - I'm only 24. Though the mid-twenties is something I never though I'd reach. I feel like I should recap the year. I know this is something everyone normal does around new years, but I actually have the time NOW.
And it's my blog and I'll do what I want. So there.
Just Kidding. You don't have to read this. You can go ahead and click next blog if you want and find someone less crazy than me.
Go on.
Go on...
Still with me?
Are you sure?
Ok...

January:
I found a job as a groom for a grand prix rider. I moved all the way to Atlanta, Georgia. I got my very own apartment and everything. Though, I barely got to unpack since a week later I had to repack and learn to live in a camper with my English coworker (Otherwise known as English Lass) in Florida.

February:
I hadn't had a day off since I started working. I was getting tired. I found out that my English coworker was actually my English boss. Whoops. Got in trouble for that. (If someone had told me earlier, maybe I could have held my tongue a bit better) Oh well..

March:
Still super tired. Still haven't had a day off. I began wondering if that was illegal to work someone 14-16 hours a day without any time off. Yes, I said, no time off. Not even lunch. Living in such close quarters with my boss was getting pretty hard but the end was in sight. The big boss lady (Not to be confused with English Lass) started making fun of me for my college and my background. But by the end of the month I finally had a day off.

April:
We went home to Georgia. I finally got to explore the town. I got to take care of those awesome expensive show horses all on my own. I worked hard and tried to keep the barn looking clean and awesome. I got a haircut. But I kept getting in trouble for little stuff that I wasn't doing quite right.

May:
English Lass and Boss Lady came home after two weeks of being gone. I was sick at the time and so English Lass let me stay in my house while they brought the horses in. Then Boss Lady let loose. The stalls weren't clean enough. I heard her say every single curse word connected with my name imaginable. She called me down and screamed at me. Literally. That night, I packed my bags. The next morning, I cleaned the stalls that 'weren't clean enough'. And I packed my car and drove home.

So... my dates are a bit off as I found out as I was looking through some other older blog entries but you get the point. I did head home in May. The I drove across the nation to Northern California and started this job a week later.

May, June, July, August, September, October, November:
The honeymoon period. This job was wonderful. I had friends ready made. Everyone was so very nice. There were a few spats in there somewhere. And now here I am, just a little while later and almost ready to be fired. Is it me?
I've decided that yes, it probably is.

Sigh.
Sorry, this post isn't what I thought it was going to be. Maybe it'll work better next time. I'm going to go scarf down a bowl of ice cream and drink what's left of my wine.

Theme Song.

Wilted

I feel wilted.

Yesterday, I woke up ready to hold my head high and tell my asshole of a boss that he could not ever treat me the way he treated me again.
And I almost got myself fired.

I woke up early. I turned my Ipod on to the kick ass play list I made the night before. I straightened my hair. I put on makeup. I put on just enough jewelry for luck. I made sure my outfit was perfect. I did everthing except wear my man-eater heels.
I can't work in those. Not in the barn.
I worked my ass off all morning before the meeting. I tried to do everything exactly as I had been told. Show that I knew what to do(now), and I could do it right.

All for nothing.

No one backed me up.
No one told even told me that he was in the wrong.

It was all my fault he blew up at me, they told me.
I should have been following directions, they said.
He's still new. He's still learning how to communicate, they told me.

All my fault.
I would have been following directions, had I known what they were.
How come he gets a free ride for verbally abusing me
and I get threatened with getting fired?
Fine, I told them.
I will do what I am told exactly how I'm told.
I will be polite.

But, I turned to him.
I will not respect you unless you earn it back.
I left my last job for being verbally abused
and I will not tolerate it from you.
I leveled my eyes at him, burning on the inside.
You should have been reprimanded at the very least for treating me like shit.
I will not ever give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.

asshole.

(I did not actually call him an asshole, even though I was screaming every pofanity I could think of in my head. I would not stoop to his level.)

And then I was almost immediately fired on the spot.
All my extra things I had been doing to help people out were taken away from me. I was given a list of duties and I am not allowed to deviate from them. No matter how idiotic they are.

and some of them are... they really are.

Fine.

I woke up this morning angrier than I have been in a long time.
I can't even change things.
I was made into a liar and no one will listen to me.

And I didn't even get an appology.
asshole.

I thought I had friends.
I, apparently, was mistaken on all accounts.

...

Well, I was.
Now, I'm one step away from getting fired.

I am going to kick some serious ass.

I'm in trouble at work
again.
I screwed up. But not this time. I wasn't giving any attitude. I was just trying to do my job. I was trying to do what I was told. But I still somehow got it wrong.
My ideas are stupid. He doesn't want to hear them anymore. He doesn't want to hear any more of my fucking ideas.
I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't want to draw attention to the hurt I felt.
I was crying. I couldn't help it.
And that just pissed him off even more.
He called me a baby. A fucking baby. He cussed me up and down.
Didn't I want to learn? He was trying to teach me something and I wasn't even listening.

I did want to learn. I was listening. I just couldn't look at him and maintain any semblance of composure.

He cussed me again and told me he couldn't fucking stand to look at me. 'Go to the house.'

Why was he cussing at me? I was trying to do what he told me. He just didn't tell me exactly how he wanted me to do it. And I got in trouble for not doing it exactly the way he wanted it done.

I know I'm not making much sense. But somehow I'm feeling like my world is toppling around me. Is it me? I'm starting to think it is. Am I that hard to work with? What about me makes bosses scream and cuss at me? Will I ever find a job again that I can be appreciated and not torn down?
He threatened to fire me.
What should I do?

What happened?

I did something stupid at work. It was a small thing but it could have been a very big thing. The girl I was putting on her horse yesterday didn't have a helmet. I didn't even notice. I mean, eventually, her sister said something, and I got her down and had them get their helmets.
I feel really really dumb. Like I feel like I should get fired. I feel like I've done so many things wrong lately that I don't even want to show my face. I want to hide my head under a pillow and let the world forget about me for a little while.
I want to quit. Because that would be easier.
I'm not sure when that even became an option for me. Quitting was never an option for me. Ever.
Until recently. What's up with me? When did my confidence leave me?
Why did it leave me?
I want to be the strong girl I used to be. I want to be the girl that could face the music when she screwed up. I want to be the girl that could look people in the eye.

Feet to the Fire

There's a meeting at work in a couple of days.
I'm dreading it.
There's been drama and this meeting is supposed to clear up everything.
It makes me nervous.
You know the feeling you get when someone important says 'Hey, we need to talk'. It's almost never good. This feels like that.
It's going to be one of those meetings where everyone gets to have their chance to talk without interruption. Good right? yeah... I hope so. I always have bad feelings about these meetings. Bad memories maybe? They always seem to cause more problems than they help. At least that's been the case in my memory.
This feels especially complicated since this meeting is with my boss and the managers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to end up in tears. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in front of the person who made me want to cry. I don't like giving them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Bastards.
I like this job. But things haven't been anywhere near smooth in the barn since the old barn manager left and my boss moved up. Especially since he hasn't been doing anything boss like. And this is what this meeting is supposed to address. But it terrifies me. I think part of it is that I know (or at least, think) that most of the tension is my fault. If only I could be just an employee who only does what's asked and then go home.
But I'm not wired like that. I'm wired to be an overachiever. When I work, I work whole-heartedly. I've always said I wouldn't have a job I didn't like. And when I do have a job that I like, I always want to make it better.
I like working. It gives me purpose, I guess.
I've been told I'm a natural leader. I don't know about that. But I do know that I suck at following. I never mean to undercut anyone (unless their being a dumb-ass and as such deserve it). I just have lots of ideas to help things run smoother and I want the approval of those around me. (seriously though, doesn't everybody?)
I don't really have to be right. But I do have to be given good enough reason that I'm wrong. Don't tell me 'no' and not give me a good reason for it.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I can't handle a boss telling me 'no' just because they said so. It's stupid.
I know it's their purogative, being boss and all. But it's dumb.
Why can't I know the reason behind your decision?

This passion I have, I don't even know what it is or where it comes from. But it does get me in a lot of trouble. And that is why I'm slightly terrified of this meeting.
I just wish I could handle it. But I don't know how.
I'm sure all my worrying is over nothing and this meeting is going to be fine. Everything will work out fine.

But I certainly feel like my feet are being put into the fire.

Monikers?

So I've always been horrible about coming up with monikers or whatever you call them but I've decided on a couple after watching Smokey and the Bandit.
Yup, that's right. I said it. Smokey and the Bandit.
What is that? The epitome of hilbilly/redneck stunts? Hell yes. Do I actually know people like that in real life? Hell yes!
So...
Drum roll please...
Bandit is a show off and crazy just like his namesake. Come on, going into the college pond in a laundry basket..sledding?!?! Drives like him too. And chases after the girls too...
Snowman is really pretty intuitive but just as crazy as his friend. This boy has made me face more things about myself than I ever wanted to.

I need to come up with some more. Especially for the number one man in this blog. 'M' does not do justice to everything he does to me. And then there's the friends that will appear from time to time if I ever actually can get myself to write even semi regularly. Stay with me folks, I need all the support I can get.

Maybe...

"Fear thinks that I need to do something in order to make someone like me."

-The Quest for T

Maybe I need to just be. Maybe I need to just be me. I can't make people like me. I probably can't even help them to like me, because then it won't be me. It'll be someone I've made myself become for them. And what's the good in that. How is someone going to know me, if I don't let myself be known.
God help me maybe I can.

Where's my friend?

I'm so far away from everyone out here. Everyone who knows me, isn't here. I need someone I don't have to explain myself to but will listen when I need to explain myself anyway. I never thought it would be so hard.
I feel so socially inept. It's not that I have a hard time making friends. I'm likable (apparently). And yet, I feel nothing but awkward around people. I over-analyze. I'm super paranoid about annoying someone, about doing something that will make someone not like me. And I don't know why. It's so bad that I start to freeze up. I don't know what to do. And so, though I've made a connection - I can't keep it. It's like I'm cock-blocking myself (you know, if I had one.. or if I was talking about sex).
I made a friend. A good friend. It's a work friendship but he's cool. But now, I come back and I can't even talk to him. He's always with the new manager.
...and I'm jealous.
They have all these jokes. I'm not in on anything. I feel like a third wheel. I feel...
Replaced.
I know I'm overreacting. I know it's nothing. But he's my friend... my only friend out here within three hours. No one else hangs out with me. No one else tries to make me laugh. No one else lets me complain selfishly about my 'boss'.
Gah! Listen to me... I'm whining. What has happened to me? Why can't I be self sufficient? And if that is impossible, why can't I depend on anyone?
I just need a friend.
Where's my friend?

What happened to the person I wanted to be?

I've always felt that I could make myself be who I want to be simply by force of will. Simply by wanting it.

I want to be confident so I act confident and tell that little voice in my head to politely shut-the-hell-up. And it works.

Kind of.

I come across as more outgoing, more confident. My friends tell me they wish they could be like that. What they don't know is that it really is all just an act. It's just fake it til you make, baby.

I don't feel more confident. I'm still a self conscious little ball of scared timidity just like everyone else. Is it this way for everyone? Are people who seem confident just acting?

So this has been my life up to now. I've been deciding how I want people to see me and acting that out as I best see fit. When I was a kid, I used to always wonder what people would say about me when I was dead. Would anyone cry? Would anyone even come to my funeral? And if they did, would they because they wanted to or because they thought they had to? Apparently, I was a morbid child...

Reguardless... all this nonesense I seem to be spouting leads me to nothing. I do seem to be rambling.

Sorry. Let me start again.

The point is that while driving the utterly straight highway I was thinking that somehow I've changed without ever realizing it. And I'm still not the person I want to be. If anything, I feel like I've gone backwards. I passed a person on the highway and just stared at him as I drove passed. When I got back oaver in the right lane, I saw him wave at me in my rearview mirror. A couple of years ago, as I passed, I would smile really big and wave to see if I could brighten their day. And I did it to everyone. It totally made my day to have a trucker honk their horn and flash their lights at me after I waved. (Ok... so I like the attention... it's not like I flashed them or anything...seriously, I didn't.) But now, I've become one of those people who is so selfabsorbed in my own life, my own problems, that it doesn't even occur to me to try to smile at a stranger anymore.

When did I become that person?

One of my resolutions was to smile more. I must have seen it coming to make that a resolution. But somehow, it still slipped past me. How did I get so grumpy? I can't even pull myself up to act it anymore. I'll think about trying to smile at a passing driver but they pass before I ever work up the energy to pull up the corners of my mouth.

What happened to the person I wanted to be? Why is she not here yet?

and worse yet...

Why did I give up on trying to keep being her?

Don't ignore me.

PostSecret

So hopefully I can write honestly here. My mind is always thinking, pondering, wondering of the facts of my world. I know when I talk I sound disjointed. My thoughts never connect just right in my mouth.

And it always.

Always.

Sounds better in my head.

But somehow, on paper. It works better. Like my fingers understand better than my mouth does.

At least that's what I keep telling myself so I feel a little less like a dumbass when, once again,, someone laughs at something I say because it came out all wrong.

I like to think I write well. Though sporatically. And when I feel comfortable enough to write honestly that's when it comes out beautifully.

I don't just want to write about my days. I do that enough on my other blog. And there is nothing of value from just a catalog of my doings. My life just isn't that exciting. It just isn't. So I have to go a bit deeper. Dig a little further. Make my words count.

I've always wanted to be the kind of person that doesn't waste words. That when I talk, it means something and people listen. Though sadly, I don't believe that to be the case. I waste words all the time.

I'm easy to ignore.

I've missed the point somehow. My words just blend into that buzz, that white noise of everything no one cares about and is ignored.

What comes out of my mouth isn't deep.

Isn't meaningful.

Isn't even helpful most of the time.

And maybe what my fingers type isn't any better, but I like it.

And isn't that what art is anyway?

I'm not saying I'm exceptional. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels just like this.

Just...

I guess what I'm trying to get out is

Don't ignore me. Give me a chance.

I want to make a difference.

I want to change the world.

Introduction

So in case you're wondering... This blog has moved. (to here...not away from)I've missed having a place to write for myself. I have another blog where I update my family about my goings'-ons but I don't feel free enough to let myself write about what I want. Isn't that always the trouble with blogs. I don't care who reads this. I just don't want to know because that will hinder the whole process I think. It may not. It depends on the person I think. It's been a whole year since I've written as Silver on Unconquered Mountains so there is a lot missing like how I'm no longer in Georgia but in California. Closer to M. Farther away from my prissy ex-boss. Farther away from everything else familiar.

How I got away and so on might come up in another post. Who knows. I failed to make a new years resolution this year due to lots of things I'm not going to bring up now but I'm going to make one now. My new years resolution is to write in here when I feel like it and as often as possible. I need an outlet for some of my emotions. And writing works for me. So this is where I am. But my internet connection where I live leaves something grand to be desired so I can only post when that is available.

No one's real names will be used and you may think I am talking about you it may be possible but like as not I'm not.

But here's the truth. I need all the support I can get to keep this thing afloat. I know part of that is keeping myself writing. It's the only way to get people to read. But let me tell you, it's hard to write without an audience. At least for me.

Also... just to get this out of the way. Some of the pictures I use on this blog are my photos some are not. Those that aren't I've picked up from various sites and at deviantart. As I can I post the original artist but I may not always be successful since I have saved a lot of art on my computer sans names and have long since forgotten where I got them at. So forgive me if I use something I shouldn't and let me know and I will replace it. Consider my blog a work of art, for I am a bit of an artist. It's just, for this particular piece, I chose to use mixed media (think collage).

Wish me luck. I'm trying again.

So here goes nothing.

I submit this for approval to you, my audience.