Monday, January 19, 2009

Where's my friend?


I'm so far away from everyone out here. Everyone who knows me, isn't here. I need someone I don't have to explain myself to but will listen when I need to explain myself anyway. I never thought it would be so hard.
I feel so socially inept. It's not that I have a hard time making friends. I'm likable (apparently). And yet, I feel nothing but awkward around people. I over-analyze. I'm super paranoid about annoying someone, about doing something that will make someone not like me. And I don't know why. It's so bad that I start to freeze up. I don't know what to do. And so, though I've made a connection - I can't keep it. It's like I'm cock-blocking myself (you know, if I had one.. or if I was talking about sex).
I made a friend. A good friend. It's a work friendship but he's cool. But now, I come back and I can't even talk to him. He's always with the new manager.
...and I'm jealous.
They have all these jokes. I'm not in on anything. I feel like a third wheel. I feel...
Replaced.
I know I'm overreacting. I know it's nothing. But he's my friend... my only friend out here within three hours. No one else hangs out with me. No one else tries to make me laugh. No one else lets me complain selfishly about my 'boss'.
Gah! Listen to me... I'm whining. What has happened to me? Why can't I be self sufficient? And if that is impossible, why can't I depend on anyone?
I just need a friend.
Where's my friend?

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