Gone are the butterflies

I've been trying this growing up thing.
I'm not really succeeding.
Every time I look in his direction, my knees get a little weak.
"God, he's hot", I mutter to myself. And then thoroughly scold myself for getting distracted again.
"Your only going to get your heart broken," I scold.

I don't even understand where this attraction comes from.
The night I went to see him. I asked him mid kiss...
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you like me?"
He sighed as if disappointed with me and stated a variety of reasons.


I wasn't fishing for compliments. I don't even like compliments...
They make me uncomfortable in the moment. (More on that at a later date)
I didn't get it. I don't get my attraction to him. Or his to me.

I still don't get it.
I don't even know if he still likes me. Ever since I told him that I told M that I kissed him, he's left me be. Maybe to give me space. Maybe because he's not my dirty little secret anymore. I don't know. It frustrates me to no end this not knowing. Maybe it would be easier to get over this feeling, to grow up, if I knew that he'd lost interest.

As it is, I apparently can barely go a week without contacting him in some way shape or form. Fortunately or unfortunately with mine and his current work schedule, we work with each other constantly. We maintain professionalism. Him probably better than I - as much as we ever did anyway. Innuendos abound at the restaurant. I think it's how we stay sane.

I have conversations with him without him there in my head. Trying to work through this. Trying to justify everything I feel. Trying to just get my head on straight and move on. But for whatever reason, I feel like I'm being sucked in.

But at least the butterflies are gone.

I've never been like this. I don't pine.
Ever.

Until him, I guess.

Jerk.
Can't even appreciate it.