I want to go home.

I haven't been writing because the internet sucks and I've been exhausted. and I haven't been down south to see the boy (who has wonderful internet).
I'm feeling pretty down again. About work mostly, as usual...
It's getting to be where every night I'm wishing that I could go home. Somehow, this place that I've started to see the beauty around me has become so inhospitable to me. I used to call it home. Now it's just the ranch.
I want to go home.

I hate being homesick.

Question of the day:

Hybrid Prius or Escalade with gold rims?

So I choose the prius mainly because I already have my over-indulgent gas guzzler of a truck that I absolutely LOVE but it is a bit of a killer on the wallet. Gold rims aside, I don't need anything flashy just something classy. Besides, people might start thinking I have a vehicle worth stealing...

Need a giggle? Try 'Bloodsucking Fiends'

Laughter isn't something I've been coming by as often as it used to so any book that will make me giggle is a huge plus. Hysterical laughter? The more the merrier. At least, then I don't look so lame and people will stop avoiding the sad/angry-at-life girl...

Christopher is a ridiculously funny author to begin with and when you add an accidental vampire in there... well, it should cheer you up. And it's not even that long of a read. I think I finished it in two days.

Grow

It's kind of depressing when no one stops to read my blog. I do have a site meter which tells me how many people I've had since I put it on. I've had 8 visits. :( I think the main problem is that I don't allow this to show on my profile for fear that my mom will find it and will start to worry about me. My mom doesn't need to worry about me anymore than she already does.
Maybe I should just suck it up and let it show and hope my mom doesn't look. Oh well...
This blog is for me really, anyway, so I guess I shouldn't even complain. But it's really nice to get feedback sometimes. Like for someone to tell me I really am being that dumb or that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be...
People need that sometimes. At least I know I do.
It helps me to grow...
I'm convinced I'm going through a sort of depression right now. Being so far away from everyone I know and feeling like a bother to everyone I am near to. It's hard.
I never thought it would be this hard. Growing up. Moving away.
College was never this bad. But I guess I didn't ever have any time to get sad.
It's like camp. Downtime is when the kids get homesick. Downtime is when they start crying for their parents, for their own bed... etc. etc. I have too much downtime and not enough motivation to find something constructive to do with all that extra time.
I've lost all interest in drawing.
Nothing is ever good on TV.
No movie will keep my interest for long.
Sigh.
Wanna know a secret?
I don't even like riding all that much right now. (*gasp*)
I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this mode. I need some feedback.
If I'm ever going to grow, I need to push through the soil so I can finally see the sunlight again.
I miss the sun.

Frickin' Horse

On Friday, I was putting a little girl up on one of our (previously) best kid horses at work. His name is Max. He's a cremello quarter horse and the quietest gelding in the world. When he had to have surgery last summer, Old Boss had to keep telling the vet techs that he hadn't been sedated yet. After this particular surgery to relieve the tension in a hind leg tendons, Max was laid up for quite a while. He was lunged 5-6 days a week at walk then trot as per the vets instructions until he was finally allowed to be used for pony rides and then back out on the trails.
Since then, he has developed some very naughty habits. He no longer goes out with the herd because we are afraid he will reinjure himself so he stays in one of our larger paddocks. For a while he was by himself, but now he has a friend - another quarter horse who was laid up for a cough for a long time...
He decided in the time he was by himself that he was quite the horse and should be the big boss. So when he went out on the trails he found it very entertaining to trot up to the horse in front of him and biting him in the butt. This is very scary for some children (obviously) so we started making sure he was at least a little tired before putting kids on him. We would guide on him in the morning and then the child could ride him. So he was getting better. We even put some schooling rides on him to get him out of this habit.
So on Friday, I put this little girl on him. She was fearless and had lessons once a week. She could handle any mischief he tried. He tried to trot she would pull him back to a walk and chastise him thoroughly. Gotta love kids like that. I walked around the front of him like I usually do to change her off side stirrup. As I walked past his face, with no warning whatsoever - no pinned ears or grumpy face or anything - he bit me. He grabbed my arm up by the shoulder and bit me. Hard. and then let go looking like nothing unusual had happened.
Bastard.
I was stunned. I stood there for a second as I realized that he had, in fact, just bitten me and what I could do about it with a child on his back. I settled on a smack on the neck but it didn't faze him. But really there was nothing else I could do without risking the girl.
This horse is wonderfully calm. I wish I could know what was going through his brain that prompted him to just bite me like that. Whatever it was, it was not cool.
Luckily he did not break the skin... I was wearing several layers since it was pretty chilly out. But he did leave a pretty good bruise. Which given the way I sleep with my arms up against my chest, I tend to punch and wake myself up in the middle of the night when I roll over. Ouch.
Frickin' horse.

Life, at the moment

So I thought it would be nice if I updated you all on my life lately. I've joined a blogblock-stopper site that's hopefully going to help me keep writing. This of course, only helps if I can get online but I'm working on it. You'll see the posts with the light bulb at the bottom of it, those are my Plinky posts. They're all responses to prompts on the website which are usually in a question form. It's pretty cool.

Work seems to be leveling out. Working at a dude ranch is terribly fun when there are guests and kids running all the time. The only trouble happens it seems is when all the guests are gone and we are all left to bicker amongst ourselves. I swear there will never be a barn in exsistence in which there is no drama. Unless of course there is only one person there. Then, I suppose the only drama that would be there is the trouble between you and your horse.
Horse people are wonderful people but man, we can really be pigheaded most of the time...

Anyway, I did get my puppy. FINALLY! She's wonderful. She's beautiful and adorable.
And so well behaved. No one believes she's really only 4 months old. She doesn't leave my side most of the time, and when she does she usually doesn't leave my sight unless she's curled up asleep in the barn.
I've got her right now on a seven day trial to make sure she gets along with the ranch life, alright but already I think I might have a mutiny on my hands if I tried to give her back. Everyone loves her. The other dogs are a little indifferent but even Cannon has played with her when he thinks no one's watching. I'll post some pictures when I'm not at the ranch with bandwidth to worry about.
As it is, I'm writing this on my lunch hour. I should get back to the barn and finish up work for today. There's no guests so I just have to clean up and turn the horses out to pasture and feed everyone. Exciting. Exciting. :)

Seat me next to the quiet creepy guy, please

I've been on several trips lately. Although, most recently I've been lucky enough to be seated by my beau since we were travelling together. But if I had the choice to sit between a talkative person with a really irritating voice or a quiet person who kept staring at me, I believe I would sit next to the quiet starer.

Because I could just turn away from them and ignore them. Besides, if it was a cute guy, I could pretend that he thought I was stunningly beautiful and was at a loss for words. Call me optimistic.

Stressed? I'm not stressed! Now hand me that ice cream before anyone gets hurt.

chocolate ice cream by Kanko*

Chocolate is my passion at any point in my life. But when I'm stressed or depressed there had better be something chocolate around or someone's head will be taken off. (That or I'll collapse in tears of self-pity, but that's besides the point.)
Chocolate ice cream is that much better. Oooo with fudge swirls and brownie chunks... and chocolate chips?
And give me a Seagrams Wild Berry any day to take the edge off. Or a Margarita on the rocks. Or a shot of something with a bite. That'll do the trick.

Acting out?

I feel like I've worked my ass off at this job and have it all come to nothing.
Maybe my behavior the last month and a half hasn't been top notch but let's for a second consider that maybe I'm acting out a little bit.
Maybe I'm feeling just the tiniest bit

under appreciated.
When I started, I took on all the morning feeding chores. So much so that on one of my days off, neither Old Boss or Stuck-in-his-ways showed up to feed.
Not that I really blame them. I'm just trying to build my case.
I worked hard in the barn all day, never complaining. Tried to make everyone else smile. After work, I noticed that the ladies forgot to come get plates at dinner. Or the kitchen was in a rush
to get the food out. I would always pitch in a hand.
Need someone to get the cookies for lunch that someone forgot?
Heck, have a wedding? I'll help serve. I'll help do the dishes.
When Old Boss left I was left in charge of all the ordering and scheduling.
I did all of this in my own spare time. When everyone else was done in the barn, I went home to make the schedule (three or four times over, if need be) and order the supplies we needed. I made a lot of the paper work in the barn easier to read.
Now anyone can tell when a horse is due for shoeing if the paper has been filled out. All of this, I did in my spare time.
Need a babysitter? I'm here.
Need a temporary bartender? I'm here. I'll help.
I've never complained. I asked for an evaluation.
I was told I was doing a superior job (with a few nit picky spots of improvement).
I asked for a raise. I was told the money wasn't there. But I was told that I deserved one.
I got a pat on the back and sent on my way.

I was frustrated. I deserved a raise but there was nothing to give me. Nobody even offered anything instead.
I was given more side jobs. I did them and the barn job without complaint. I never asked for anything...
except for a dog.


'We'll see how the job works for you,' I was told when I took the job. 'But sure...'
After Old Boss left and I was asked to stay, I asked. 'Wait until after labor day'
So I waited, I looked at dogs when the time came but I was given all these conditions that the dog had to meet.
And then I was leaving for two weeks, I couldn't get a dog and then leave it while I went home in January.
So I waited, I get back to new management. 'You need a dog,' they said.
I started looking. I found one after thousands of false starts...
and it's now being dangled in front of me like a carrot on a string.
I don't get a yes or no. Just, 'let's wait and see'

And they wonder why I've stopped giving a crap about anything.
Why I've developed a bad attitude.
Maybe I'm being childish...
But I don't care.

Maybe I was just acting out.